Posted in Devotional, Family


Are you thankful for the time you have with your family or do you take it for granted?

Sometimes it’s hard to see what’s right in front of us. We get so busy focusing on what makes us unhappy we abandon all the good staring us in the face.

It has been a demanding 96 hours. Each day I have hoped for sunshine, but there is forever a storm lurking. That black cloud constantly seems to be chasing me, and I always seem to be running.

It’s an arduous journey with me continuously looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But sadly, that is the way of my life.

Today, I had a long chat with a dear friend, who I can always trust to be honest with me, spare me the sugar-coating and admit the hard truth to me. I appreciate her, the knowledge she has of my situation, the compassion she expresses and even the words she needs to say despite they are hard for me to hear at times.

I value our friendship because I realize, no matter what, I can depend on her to be real with me. The medical advice and knowledge she shares, the personal trauma she has experienced and how she can relate to what my children are going through. Everything I get from her comes in the form of a blessing.

She is sort of a soul sister to me, one I feel a connection with that I cannot explain. She gets me, and sometimes shares her thoughts and feelings that are already entertaining my mind.

And, on the days I feel like constantly crying, her honesty, her genuine heart is just what I need to make me feel better and acknowledge I have so much to be thankful for.

Today, it was no different.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

She gave up some of her precious family time this afternoon to console me. That’s a true friend. And, she made me realize, portions of my storm are blessings I will one day look back on and appreciate.

We are in the midst of the country being shut down, social distancing with limited interaction between people and staying home to avoid exposure.

On top of all that is the chemo treatments, the complications, the fevers, the fear of going to the hospital, the traveling, the worrying, the stress, the sick puppy, having to put my child on a plane…this week has been emotional and stressful and too much at times.

It’s a challenge, and I’m feeling weak even though I force a cheery smile. But, I’ve been thinking about it, and in the back of my mind and with a sweet reminder, I know this is a blessing in disguise.

Having my children home, eating dinner as a family every night, no rushing out the door to get somewhere, no worrying about leaving a child or a dog home alone while we are at the cancer center. Quality time with my children before they go off to college in the fall, sharing memories of the past and making new ones for the future.

All blessings.

in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18

It’s true how sad of a time it is for my senior and all the other seniors who don’t get the traditional graduation, but in hindsight we will appreciate all the memories we were able to make with just our family. All the quality time we shared and the togetherness we had.

Those are the times we will remember.

And, what if we never have another opportunity like this again? What if there’s not another season we are all together?

What if these memories are all we have?

Sometimes it’s hard to see the picture when you are in it. But, like my friend reminded me…what a blessing this quarantine is for us.

Another silver lining in the most unexpected place. No matter how hard life is count your blessings. In spite of everything, they are all around us.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28
Posted in Family

Head of the Household

Blaze Jenna Blake Roscoe aka TORNADO

We all need some Joy in our lives at the moment, right?

Well, several weeks ago we got a new head of the household.

For I don’t know how many months, years my youngest son has wanted a dog. It’s not like we haven’t had dogs his entire life. I guess they haven’t been the kind of dog he has wanted. Although, he has always been an animal lover.

When we have had to be away at the hospital he is the child who takes the dog to sleep with him and keeps him company, since his four-legged sister passed last year. I can always count on him to give the dog a little attention.

Hubby and I swore that after our two elderly dogs were gone that would be the end of our pet parenthood. With his illness and our travels, we just cannot handle “one more thing.”

Well, so we thought.

When it was certain my oldest son was going away to college, and my youngest son was still begging for a puppy, I sat hubby down for a serious talk.

Come fall we will be down to one child in the house. That is going to be very weird for me, and probably even weirder for our son. I’m sure it will take some adjusting for him to get used to being an only child.

I started thinking about it, worrying about it even more so.

What if we had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night?

What if we were away at the Cancer Center and had to stay over, and he is home alone?

What if treatments get more intense and we are away for a week or more?

The questions flooded my mind, and I started to wonder how I would handle any of those situations. Of course, he is old enough to stay alone, BUT would I want him to be home at night, all night, for multiple nights AND all alone?


Insert my idea and the reason for the serious talk with hubby.

In order for him to not interrupt with a quick retort, I asked him to hear me out and began with the obvious. Considering his poor health and the path life may take us down, I suggested we should “consider” getting our youngest a dog of his own. Someone to keep him company when his brother leaves for college, someone to stay with him if we have to go to the hospital, and someone who can offer just a dose of HAPPY we could all use right now.

Surprisingly, without much more effort than that we were all researching dogs, putting in our two cents and coming up with just what we needed. Of course, I wanted a non-shedder, not too big, a good family dog, and a protector. My son wanted a dog that he could take hunting and fishing and train to be his best friend.

I was thinking a dog by summer. School would be out, summer would be a perfect time for training and it would give us a little time to save.

However, with the discovery of a great breeder, Bingham Kennels, and a litter on the way due by mid-February, we were destined to become the new family for a German Wirehaired Pointer.

So about a month ago, we became the proud “grandparents” to a new pup.

Yeah, right! I’m her mommy, and we all know it. I put her to bed every night in my bathroom, and wake up with her many mornings unless of course hubby is feeling well, hears her awake and beats me to it.

She has been a “burst of joy” in our house. And, I do mean burst.

Some days, I think we are crazy for taking on this journey. Can’t afford this journey. Don’t have time for this journey.


When I see that sweet little puppy hopping around the yard like a bunny, pouncing on a squeaky toy, or whining to sit on my lap, she touches my heart. She has her moments, but she has brought so much pleasure to our house.

Sometimes she bites too hard, sneaks through the fence, chews my throw pillows, snatches my dish towels or won’t walk properly on her leash, but she is a great snuggler, furnishes several laughs a day and melts our hearts more often than we can count.

The best part of all is the one person who wanted a puppy the least is the one person who adores the puppy most. Hubby walks her down the driveway, sits out on the deck with her, plays tug of war and fetch and will even get up early to give her some exercise.

Puppies may not be miracle workers, but they sure can heal hearts that are hurting.

Welcome to our family Blaze Jenna…you are like a tornado at 8 in the morning, make our world more than a little crazy at times, but oh you bring many laughs and so much JOY! xo

Posted in Cancer, Family

Used to be…

Ever wonder how good life used to be?

Today, I was talking to a friend about how things are going for our families, and it made me realize how good life used to be. I don’t mean to be pessimistic, but seriously life has been forever changed.

For all of us!

We didn’t know how good we had it until a pandemic hit. And, I wonder all the time how life will go back to being normal.

Rather, what will our new normal be?

The last two winters my family has practiced a sort of social distancing to an extent, during flu season and during chemo treatments, just to be on the safe side and avoid having any sickness in the house. Now, we have learned a little more about social distancing and how we take life and our freedom for granted.

I wonder though how much socializing we will want to do after this?

I know for many people, you are in a rush to get back to your life. Get back to your social get togethers, weekend meet-ups on the island, boating, beaching and all the other fun times that go along with summer.

I am ready for that, too. But, in the back of my mind I know it won’t be happening.

It seems this situation has become a sort of political power struggle in a sense, and honestly, I don’t really care what your opinions are. I’ve never witnessed anyone changing political sides in the middle of a debate or discussion. I doubt anyone ever will. Just like most don’t want to hear opposing political views, I don’t really care at all what your views are.

We all have our own opinions, but I have no desire to discuss them with anyone outside of my family. I don’t really get into “discussions” about politics and religion. Mainly because I find they never end well.

Regardless, the what, why, when, where and how of all this is irrelevant to me. Bottom line is that it’s a real virus, and our family cannot afford to take a chance on someone in our house contracting it. Period. It doesn’t matter how or why it came about, the fact is it’s a real thing and with hubby’s health issues I don’t know if he could survive it.

That’s our situation.


So, whether or not life goes back to anything similar to what it was, our family will be cautious of what’s lurking in the background. We can’t risk it being any other way. We just can’t.

Life as we knew it is idle.

But, life as our family knew it was gone before this pandemic hit.

I think in uncertain times we learn life is not invincible, and neither are we. Bad things happen to good people, and maybe that’s essential to help someone else.

I tell my children all the time maybe their dad got sick for a reason that we cannot yet see. We don’t always know why certain things happen, but we know God has a plan for all of us.

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.”

1 Corinthians 13:12

It is essential that we go through trials and suffering. It is our opportunity to trust in God and prepare us for His glory.

 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

I am far from perfect, a bigger sinner than I want to confess, and I struggle daily more often than I care to admit. However, if I have learned anything in the last two years it has been to find hope and have faith. In turn, I have been graced with a sense of peace, patience, and humility.

Living takes a daily effort.

We were never promised an easy life, and I believe the longer we walk this Earth the more apparent that fact is to us. Life is a challenge, and we have to accept that. We must adapt to the situation, keep moving forward and trust in God.

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.”

Matthew 6:10
Posted in Cancer, Family, Self Help

Optimism, Realism

Do you ever think about dying?

It’s a topic no one willingly likes to discuss, but yet it’s the end and the beginning to our life. This week I’ve been thinking about it more and more.

I don’t know why.

But, it’s on my mind often, and that scares me a little.

25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

John 11:25-26

Today, I was chatting with an old high school friend over text, and I asked about her dad. Her mom passed away two years ago, and I told her I hate to think our parents are at that age.

She said, “…it’s so hard to think about. We spend our whole childhood wishing time away and then wake up one day and wonder where it went.”

My grandmother lived until her late 90s. My Pawpaw until his mid 90s and my Granny until 90. That’s some longevity in my family, but there have been others who died young.

I wondered what is really “that age.”

Yesterday, on the way home from the Cancer Center, hubby and I had a consequential discussion. Normally, when I ask him to talk about his feelings he says, “What are feelings?” It’s his wittiness, but he doesn’t talk about feelings much unless I am upset, he’s talking about cancer or our family.

We discuss death. And, like I explored with him yesterday and my friend today, there is no such thing as “that age.” That age can be 5, 25, 55 or 95.

As hubby told me, he will die when it’s his time, when the good Lord decides, and there is no worry in that.

God takes us when He is ready to take us. Yes, there are miracles, but perhaps God only grants those once in a while and saves them for special circumstances?

I realized on our drive home, hubby believes in miracles, he just doesn’t believe there’s one for him.

Society looks at dying in regards to life expectancy, but that’s not how dying happens. We expect to live until 80. We are blessed to live into our 90s. And, if we die before “our time” we say it’s too soon.

No one wants to see a mother lose a child. A wife lose her husband. A child lose his parent.

We have no say in who gets cancer, has a fatal accident or loses someone they love. We all have an expiration date, and sadly, not all of them are as lengthy as others.

We are not born with a guarantee on life, or how long we will walk on Earth.

Rarely, do I have this conversation with others; however, hubby and I have these disconcerting talks often. These circumstance are not necessarily planned for, but in this situation they are inevitable. I don’t always understand how he is so at peace, but he is and for that I am grateful. For myself, there is still a lack of acceptance, a disquiet about my children where my heart is impaired.

I know it is hard for my friends and family to understand. As my daughter alluded to, there are times we sense something is coming and catch ourselves just waiting for the other shoe to drop. We take aim at positivity, but in the back of our mind we are searching for level headedness.

Being a realist and being optimistic are not always the same nor do the two invariably go together. I think it is hard for someone trying to encourage us to stay positive to comprehend how we walk a fine line within the two. I understand, my husband understands, my children understand, but to others they don’t always understand.

It is difficult for everyone to decipher the thought process and the task of protecting the heart. It’s hard to be positive, pray for a miracle and accept the facts, the odds, and the reality of a situation. Somewhere in that mix we have to find a happy medium where our heart can safely flourish. A place we can live comfortably, a place we can accept whatever is handed to us and be able to survive the outcome.

Maybe some of you don’t view this as a sense of positivity, but at some point we find ourselves seeking a survival mode. Just maybe, we weigh on the cautious side. We have to live in a sector where we can manuever our path, even in heart-rending times.

That means preparing for the worst, while hoping and praying for the best.

All we need from everyone else is to pray for us. xo

17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.18 Therefore encourage one another with these words.”

 1 Thessalonians 4:17-18

Posted in Family

Memories, Fear Not


Tonight, I lie in bed alone with my eyes fighting sleep, but my mind is racing. All sorts of thoughts running through my head, reminiscing about my life when I was a child. Why is this on my mind tonight?

I don’t know why I am reminded of running around barefoot in the cold blades of grass, out to the garden where my Pawpaw drove the tractor, where I ran behind it with the cold dirt sifting between my toes as I picked up potatoes. Why tonight do I remember that so clearly?

And why is it on my mind?

I look back at my life and the vision is just as if it were yesterday. But, for some reason today seems blurry, and I can hardly see right in front of me. I close my eyes and imagine I am right there outdoors at this moment. I never thought I would be here where I am now. It’s not the image I had embedded inside my memories, it’s not what it’s suppose to be.

This is not the way my story was supposed to go.

I close my eyes and try to focus on the moment, the present, but it’s hazy, hidden in the darkness.


I remember the nights I would sit on my bed and stare off into the blankness, focusing on the tiny blue flowers on my wallpapered wall, so deep in thought I didn’t know if I was real or not.

Maybe I was lost then, too.

10 Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

That was another one of my sleepless nights, and I don’t know why I was thinking about my childhood. It’s ironic how we are reminded of particular moments when we have certain situations going on in our life.

I guess most of us don’t really end up living the life we envisioned in our childlike mind. I’m not exactly sure how I expected my life to be, but I know I didn’t expect what it is right now.

I find it interesting, sometimes funny, the memories my mind chooses to pick out and remind me of at specifc times in my life. I often wonder if I suppress individual memories, saving them for another time, or maybe not at all.

Perhaps, I am protected from some, or maybe they are just savored for another day.

I frequently stare at the family picture above the fireplace, when my children were young, and wonder what filled their minds. All the smiles, the cuteness, the innocence. I speculate they have memories of that day like I do, but different ones stick out in their mind.

Sometimes I think about what their dreams were, what they thought their life was like and would become. I know for me I thought many situations would be something other than what they are. I didn’t think I would worry so much about them, have some of the conflicts we have, or even the wounds as a result.

Many variables have made today what it is. Numerous situations that life has dealt have affected us all in a way that will go unchanged. Many conversations, good and bad, never forgotten. Many situations lodged forever in our mind.

I gaze at that picture hanging, and I pray they will all find their peace within this life. They will all keep those smiles they donned that day, the glimmer in their eyes will never fade and they will manuever their way through the roadblocks they encounter. I pray they will find a state of happiness that will endure and overcome the hurdles that may haunt their dreams.

Whether or not they thank me or blame me for problems they have endured, situations they have faced, or the life they have been dealt, I hope they will know I am their mother who offers unconditional love and support that only comes with the price of respect.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”

Ephesians 6:1-3

Being a mother, although not always the best one, has been my greatest joy and reward of my life. Being a family, being one another’s best friend, and knowing we have each other’s back ALWAYS has been a wonderful bonus.

In spite of roadblocks and twists and turns ahead, I hope my two pair, my four corners of my world, know that I will always be their mother no matter where their journey takes them. A part of me that is woven into my soul, they will forever be in my heart, even at times when it may be broken. xo

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

Posted in Family, Self Help

Family Blessings

The days seem to run together for us lately. It’s like we are just living one day to get to the next, not thinking about what we are doing or what our purpose is other than to just get from one moment to the next.

I asked my dad if he ever thought he would live through a time like this. He said he never thought he would.

I think about the events my grandparents lived through, depressions and wars. They didn’t know much if anything about computers, and my grandmother was amazed with FaceTime not long before she died. She lived through so much, yet our lives hardly touched when it came to ways of living. She grew up and lived in a world I barely know, and my world outgrew her long before she died.

It almost makes me sad. When my grandmother died we all gathered at her home, and my children loved listening to my dad and uncle talk about when they were kids. It was hours of rehashed memories, listening to them talk about the fun they had growing up, and their unpretentious life.

It makes me yearn for simpler times. I’m so thankful my boys knew their great grandparents. Their knowledge of living is something you cannot just learn in a history book. And, it’s a tale never to be forgotten.

I relish the times I have with my family. I am thankful for my dad and my uncle and the relationships I have with them as well as the ones they have with my kids. Family bestows all the joys in life.

I will never take the memories I have for granted, nor will I ever regret the close relationships I have kept. I will welcome time spent reminiscing, and I just pray my children will do the same. I will continuously be thankful for all the family who I have been blessed with in my life.

More than ever I want my children to spend time with grandparents and uncles and aunts and their dad and me making those precious moments that will later become the highlights of their life. One day, that is all there will be.

This week, more setbacks were thrown at our feet, and tonight, I find myself more sentimental than yesterday. I can’t help it, things always seem to weigh on my mind.

It’s difficult not to focus on the truths lurking around you. It’s hard to constantly be positive when there’s so much negative flooding your life. I have learned it takes mental strength and an abundance of willpower. Some days I simply don’t have enough of either.

It’s two in the morning, and my mind is heavy. The effort of sorting through my thoughts helps clear my head. Despite being overtired, I haven’t been able to find sleep tonight. There’s more in my mind that needs digesting.

I may not have solved the world’s problems, or totally found the peace I need, but I have reminded myself of all my blessings and those I am most thankful for tonight.

In this time of uncertainty we should take the time for ourselves. Search our souls for our inner peace and find all that is good in our lives. In times of despair we are so vulnerable and quick to focus on the negative. Stop and pray, focus on our own being and don’t let the pandemonium of the world steal our inner peace.

Radiate humility, meditate, and count the many blessings every minute of the day.