Posted in Self Love

Practicing Positivity

Does being positive and happy come naturally?

Do you think being positive equates to being happy?

Are joy and happiness one and the same?

I’ve been thinking about all of the above lately.

And, I will answer my own questions.

No, No, and No.

I have been focusing on the positive, consciously devoting time to myself and my happiness, and trusting God’s joy is within me. It is constant work, and I am nonetheless a work in progress.

But, I feel like most of us could say the same. I don’t think people genuinely are full of positive energy and happiness ALL the time. Many would like us to believe that, but they are probably lying to us and themselves.

We don’t live in a perfect world, and we all have to make our lives manageable. Life is hard, and I’m not sure where we got the idea that it was anything more.

Life has always been hard.

We all have problems, insecurities, fears, worries, battles inside our own heads, struggles no one knows we are dealing with.

We all sin. We all make mistakes. We all get angry or upset.

And, guess what? It’s okay. We are all imperfect, and we are all human. We all have faults, and we all live behind closed doors.

The best we can hope for, the best we can do is to continue to work on our own flaws and weaknesses.

Each day I wake up and choose happiness. Choose positivity. Choose joy. And, choose to live life with my own instruction book. It’s the only one that makes sense. It’s time to realize that.

Live life to the best of your ability. No one else really matters

Here are some tips to consider when looking for positivity, peace and happiness in YOUR life:

  1. Focus on the positive side of every situation.

It may not always be easy, but remember something good comes out of everything, even the bad. We may not realize it at the time, but there is always something to be grateful for.

2. Don’t compare your life to others.

We may think everyone else is living the good life. No worries, no financial struggles, no illness, no insecurities, or relationship problems, but do we really believe their life is made in a bed of roses. We all have “stuff” we are dealing with, even if we can’t always see it.

3. Don’t believe everything you see or read.

Social media can take you on a fast track in a downward spiral if you are scrolling social media looking for happiness. It’s not there so limit the screen time.

4. Distance yourself from people who steal your peace.

This is a BIG one for me because every week I’m feeling the need to cut someone out of my life, or limit my conversations with them. This is why I don’t call people too often. I can’t stand the negativity, the complaining, the bad moods. And, did I mention the negativity? Solitude and loneliness can sometimes be a blessing, and I mean that. I can’t focus on getting through the storms in my life when someone else is always breathing those negative vibes in my ear.

5. Read positive, inspiring, and self-love quotes every day.

Every day I post quotes on my instagram (@gracelovebiscuits) story to not only remind myself but also help others to remind themselves as well. We all need to encourage one another in a positive way and push negativity out of our minds. No joy or happiness comes from being in a bad or sad mood.

6. Worry about yourself and mind your business.

Choose to focus on your own life and make it better. Keep your business to yourself and respect others’ privacy. Sometimes we don’t have to know everything about everyone, and it’s really not our business anyway. The less you involve yourself in other’s concerns the happier you will be. Focus on life in your household, not someone else’s.

Peace and Love everyone….xo.

Posted in children

I See It!

Do you see it?

I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we are dealing with we forget to stop and think about the joy amongst us.

Lately, I have been super busy with my children, and what’s going on in their worlds. It’s a busy time with the school year ending, graduation, summer, birthdays. It has all been a whirlwind, and it has been a distraction from many other parts of my life.

But, it has also made me aware of how my children ARE my life.

I will never struggle one single day wondering what I have to be grateful for, because I have them.

Even while wandering down a difficult path or rushing through a busy life, we can all take a minute to think about that.

My attention immediately goes to those thoughts in the back of my mind. The ones I keep hidden away, the ones I try not to remind myself of too often, but the ones that are constantly there. Sometimes haunting me, but a reminder to have hope for some things and count my blessings for others.

I see one mother fighting alongside her son. Battling for his life with every ounce of strength and faith she has. Searching for a treatment or cure, praying for a miracle. Never giving up, not knowing what “No” is.

I think to myself she is a warrior, fighting what must be the most unimaginable crusade of her life. Against a fury that will not let loose or give up.

I see another mother begging God to let her son come back to her. To wake up and be that little boy she so desperately needs to hear call out her name.

I know she must think she is living in hell. Her son’s life spared, her being able to hold him, but wondering if he really knows who she is.

I see it.

There’s the mother who lost her daughter on her wedding day. Lost her son to addiction. Lost her baby at birth.

I see it.

There’s the mother who sat beside her son’s hospital bed after a terrible accident. The one who prayed beside him for his pain to subside. The one who knows he was lucky.

I feel that.

And, I see it.

Today, I said I will never regret the time I have spent on my children. The time spent worrying for them, praying for them, hurting for them.

The time spent playing rather than cleaning the kitchen, helping them with homework rather than going to bed early, eating their cotton candy ice cream because they liked my mint chip.

I see it.

And, I have no regrets about it.


I have realized it’s ridiculous to sweat the small stuff.

Or, to worry about a perfect house. Perfect kids. Perfect grades. Perfect social status. Perfect life.

Even if we pretend it to be that way, we know in our mind it’s not true. And, at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter anyway.

The only thing that really matters is if WE are happy, and if there’s love and kindness in the hearts we raised.

That’s JOY. And, that is what matters most.

And yes, I see it!

Posted in Self Love

The Message

Do you ever feel like everywhere you turn you are being sent a sign or message?

Lately, I feel surrounded by a message. Of course my normal first reaction is to ask that million dollar question.


Why now?

Do I need to prepare for something?

I think the why in many situations helps us understand. It helps us justify. It helps us come to terms with the unknown.

And, I always find myself wondering about the unknown.

I know everyone on this planet has probably at one time or another caught themselves wondering. I guess it’s human nature, and even more true for some of us compared to others.

For me, trust is somewhat of a struggle in general. I don’t know why, but I suspect it has to do with something deeply embedded within me. I tend to be guided by my heart, and sometimes I feel that’s not a good thing because it puts it out there in a wide open space to get broken.

And, it has been.

I always want people to know where I’m coming from, speak my mind in the sense that I’m being honest even when it’s something that someone doesn’t want to hear. The best friends in my world are the ones who are going to get the raw truth from me. If I didn’t care about them I would lie and tell them what they want to hear. In my opinion, that’s not being a good friend.

In return, I want that from my close friends.

But, I will clarify one point. I don’t need that or want that from everyone. If you aren’t there for me on all the bad days, through all the tears, checking on me weekly…that’s not really your place. We all have our people. And, mine know who they are. Our people don’t have the same boundaries as others. Our tribe operates in the same circle as we do. Everyone else is just an outside observer.

Not everyone deserves our trust and not everyone needs it. Certainly, not everyone has it.

I am a work in progress, and I imagine some of you are, too.

I struggle knowing I trust a few select people, and I stumble at times when it comes to trusting the Lord. It’s a battle inside my head, and I wrestle with it. But, probably not in ways you imagine.

I know that trust is what has kept me afloat in this storm I am in. I know it is what wakes me up every morning and what keeps me strong.

I know. But, when it comes to my fate, my future, my security, I grapple with what I cannot see. The darkness is a hard place to reside, especially when there’s not sense to what the lightness will bring.

I want so desperately to have that trust and faith all the time, and I am working towards that goal.

I want that hope.

I want that security.

Making myself happier, more confident, and more aware of the good in my life will get me there. I trust that with all my heart.

Meanwhile, I will be a work in progress, reminding myself each day that I have so much in life to be grateful for, in spite of all the roadblocks. So many blessings to appreciate, and so many reasons to keeping trusting it will all work out.

Trusting in the unknown.



The greater good.

There may not be an answer to the why in that, but there is a how.

And, there’s a message in that.

Posted in Self Help, Self Love

Finding Peace

Do you have peace in your life?

I mean real peace.

People have asked me before if I am at peace with my husband having cancer. I don’t think I will necessarily ever be at peace with that. Not in my forseeable future. But, I’m sure one day, one I cannot imagine, it will come.

It’s difficult to be at peace with a hard-pressed life. It’s hard to accept truths I don’t want to think about. I will say, I am at peace with not being at peace with that. If that’s hard to understand, then you’ve probably never been in my shoes. I don’t think I have a way of explaining it. I just feel like being at peace with it would mean I accept it. And, I’m not ready to do that just yet. I still have hope, and maybe a wish for a miracle.

I feel like I walk through life, day after day, and there’s constantly something happening, something daring me to go and search for my solitude. It can be exhausting at times, overloading my brain with intricate tasks, and adding inessential weight to my already strained shoulders.

I know a healthy person doesn’t live like that. A praying truth seeker doesn’t either.

My goal is to be both.

I am on my way.

During yesterday’s church service I recognized how guilty I am of eluding faith. I am skeptical to trust people often, and I’m regretful of not trusting God all the time. I realize I want things to turn out how I want them to be, but in God’s world I know I don’t get something just because I want it. I have to trust that is how He means for it to be. My mind struggles to let go, but I am a work in progress.

Aren’t we all?

I have discovered finding peace, remaining at peace, takes constant, committed intellect. It is simply quieting my mind in all the chaos. A place where I am silent, my mind relaxed, and I can just simply be.

It is minding my own business, it is avoiding distractions, it is not letting silly incidents upset me. It is not worrying what other people think, it is loving myself, it is accepting, it is letting myself be free. Immune to stress and worry, and insecurites, and most of all the unknown.

Finding peace can be such a simple chore, but only when I take down the walls, trust, and allow myself to let go of all my burdens. Meditate, clear the mind, and just let it happen. But, I know that’s easier said than done.

For me, I try to make a conscious effort to clear the air. With my friends and family, I say what I’m feeling. I have realized I have two choices. I either speak my mind and make peace with it, or I remain silent and make peace with it.

What’s the difference?

The choice is mine. I get to decide what lives in my head.

And, my aim is to not let people or things that don’t belong take up space anymore. I say what’s on my mind, I don’t hold my thoughts and feelings prisoner in my own head. I say it, I pray about it, and I give it to the Lord. It is simply the way it needs to be.

It is my coping mechanism. And, sometimes I fall. But, I remind myself, and then I get back up.

Lose the things, lose the places, lose the people, and lose the noise. Distance myself from all that forges chaos in my life.

Control my thoughts. Tame my mind. Don’t let anyone or anything that threatens my peace have access.

At this moment I am in the midst of a storm in my life. Some days I feel it spinning recklessly, but I know I am stronger. Somewhere within the center of my own peace there is the calmness inside my heart, and I simply just have to take ahold of it and breathe.

Posted in Self Help, Self Love


How are you feeling today?

It’s a question we should be asking ourselves daily. Especially if we are going through some difficult episodes in life. And, I think over the last year we probably would all qualify on that account.

I’ve been on a month long or more hiatus, taking care of my family, and taking care of myself. People say it all the time that we need to take care of ourselves first, but rarely do we do it. Some times our body let’s us know when we’ve reached a critical point though, and we all need to heed the warning.

I felt myself slipping back into a a place I sat for a long while not that long ago, and I knew I couldn’t go back there. I’ve been eating healthy, exercising, and taking time for myself more often. At times I feel selfish for spending time on myself, but if I don’t, who will? It’s a serious question to ask yourself.

It’s easy to feel ourselves slipping when we are aware of the symptoms so make a mental note of the warning signs. Stress really can kill us, and at the very least it can alter our health before we recognize it.

For me, I knew I was struggling, but before I realized it I was sick. And, it’s not a sickness like you may be thinking. It’s a sickness that affects your overall mental and physical health. There are many warning signs:

  • high blood pressure
  • headaches
  • digestive or stomach problems
  • weight loss or gain
  • depression or anxiety
  • sleep problems
  • chronic fatigue
  • chest pain or heart palpitations

And, how do I know?

Because I suffered from all of the signs at one point or another. And, they are all signs of an over-stressed body. Mentally exhausted to the extreme of where I could not cognitively recover on my own.

I am happy to say I still have bad days, but lately it’s no longer bad weeks. I call that a win. Positivity, finding the good in everything, staying focused, entertaining a very small circle, and being grateful are good habits to portray. We are not all going through the same storms, but we are all dealing with challenges in our lives.

Up until this point my path has been filled with darkness, fear, despair. But, as my mind gets stronger, I can see my strength brings light. It is not as if I still don’t have feelings of fear, but I know wherever my path takes me I am more prepared for whatever I may encounter.

I am on a mission. Watch and see.

Posted in Devotional, Family

Two Pairs

When our children leave the nest I believe we all think in the back of our minds, they will now realize how much they really need us. 

But, who needs who more? Is it really our children who will realize how much they need us, or rather is it us who will realize how much we need them?

For me, it is an easy answer. Indeed, my children need me, but I don’t think they realize how much I need them.

The Lord blessed me with two pairs (two girls and two boys), and I count my blessings daily. There are no words within me to describe how much they mean to me. They make up the four corners of my world. Not to say we don’t have frustrating moments, but they bring me more joy than anything I could ever imagine. 

When my husband got diagnosed with cancer three years ago, and my second daughter left for college shortly after, it was almost harder than when my first daughter left the nest. I know in part it was because she went 1200 miles away to school, and her dad had just been diagnosed with a horrible disease. I was uncertain how often I would see her, and I knew I was going to miss having a daughter in the house. I was now going to be living with three males, and that seemed like a heavy load of testosterone. 

She and I talked on the phone often, and my older daughter came home to visit every month. We managed that first year the best we could.

It started off with a multitude of challenges having to travel to the cancer center more than two hours away for several weeks. We were navigating an unwelcome addition to our lives with a cancer diagnosis, not knowing at times what it meant for our family’s fate. It was hard being away from my boys a week at a time, in order to be with their dad during treatments. I missed  having my girls by my side. My nest seemed to be falling apart, and the only comfort I felt was knowing my children, all four of them, had each other.

The holidays rolled around, the girls were back home and, there appeared to be some sense of normalcy in our home. But, their dad was fighting an infection, and I knew in a few short weeks I would relive the agony of them leaving for college again. When it was time for the girls to head back to school, I felt it in my heart. I love my boys more than any other momma, but girls and boys are divergent. We have different relationships. 

My husband, still battling cancer, took up much of my time. It wasn’t easy, and that was another adjustment. I fought off the depressed days, the anxiety, the stress…barely. I found myself mourning my old life, wishing for the days when the children were younger, praying for no illness. 

Summer soon came and once again life reverted back to some of what it used to be. The girls were home, and I had my two pairs. All my many blessings.
By the end of summer, it was time to return to school, and the cancer returned as well. That year was just as hard as the previous one, maybe harder.
We managed to get through it, and in some odd ways the adjustments became easier. I prayed to God daily for strength to get us through.

Fast forward two years until last summer, and my oldest son left for college. It has been the strangest of times, leaving another emptiness inside my heart. Raising four children has been my life, and now there is only one remaining in the house. My lifelong job, nearing its end, as I have always known it. And, there is nothing I can do about it except hide my helplessness.

Why do they grow up so fast? My most favorite job and fondest memories are ones that include being a mother. Why does this life, as I have always known it, have to mature so rapidly.

Not more than three weeks after my oldest son left for college, his younger brother suffered burns to his arms, hands, and face. The evening of the accident my son came home from college to stay, while my youngest spent a few days in the burn center a couple of hours away. 

It was a time that changed me. It was a moment I got on my knees and prayed over my son for comfort and healing. I didn’t understand why God was allowing this to happen. I couldn’t see past our pain or the trauma we suffered. It was mentally debilitating, and once again I was begging God to heal us all. 

Not long after, I understood how God uses people, situations and even grief to heal. One tragedy had suddenly healed another brokenness, and our family was closer and stronger than ever before.  

Another hurdle we managed to get through, all by the grace of God.

The last three years have been exhausting at times, unbearable in many situations, and life altering at others. 

The one constant in my life, the one anchor, the one lifeline has been my children. Despite the fact their dad is in the fight of his life, they have remained, for the most part, extremely resilient. 

Their strength has enabled me to face each new day, and they have encouraged me to seek support, given me the will to keep moving ahead and push on. They have been my constant beacon of hope. I cannot imagine my life without the four of them. They make me work harder, desire to be stronger, and refuse to give up. Along with the good Lord, they have been my saving grace!

I pray for them daily to get through the hurdles life has thrown at them. I pray for their safety, their strength and for their happiness. I have realized if God will give me that, along with the strength and wisdom I need to be their mother, then I can get through this life no matter the stage or what it throws at me.

I used to believe God never gives us more than we can handle, but I don’t believe that is true anymore. God has given me so much more than I ever imagined I could handle. But, he has also given me the courage I need to overcome my obstacles. My children have given me the will.

So often I find myself sad at the fact they are growing up, but regardless of how old they are, I will always be their mother. This is simply an interlude in the great play called life. 

And, who needs who more?

Perhaps, they don’t need me in the same ways as they once did, but I am certain I need them more than I ever have. And, I imagine that’s the way God intended for it to be.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13

Posted in Self Help

Curve Balls

Life has been throwing curve balls lately.

Everywhere I turn! They come at me out of nowhere, and honestly I find myself waiting for the next one.

At times life will appear to become somewhat normal, seemingly before it once again starts to unravel. I find myself dodging the stumbling blocks. Ducking to get out of the way.

I realze life is never going to be perfect, but for once can it just be a bit boring? No drama, No bad news. No forks in the road. No curve balls.

I catch my breath just long enough before the next strike. My children, their happiness and well being, scanxiety setting in. Can there just not be more moments of peace?

It’s an impossible question, with impossible answers, but I imagine it even though I know my life is full of challenges.

I cannot physically be two places at once, but why do I feel like I’m on a roller coaster one minute and a merry-go-round the next? It never stops.

I have been reminding myself all this is normal for someone in my place. I try to find a few minutes of silemce and quiet every single day. I attempt to turn off my brain, but in reality I know I’m not built that way. I think too much sometimes and always searching to solve the puzzle. I am working on it.

I may not be perfect. I may not be the way people think I should be, but I am me. And, what do they know about all this? They don’t know everything.

I have a good heart. I am strong. Even when I think I will break, I know in my mind that is not an option.

And, I won’t.

When life if overwhelming remember to take care of yourself:

1. refocus

Take at least 10 minutes every day and refocus your mind, meditate, or just think positive thoughts. Think about something good and happy.

2. eat. drink.

It’s amazing we can forget to eat or not feel like eating. Consuming plenty of water, drinking a smoothie or protein shake, and getting good nutrition can do wonders for the mind and body. Practice good gut health. We all know how stress can have your belly in knots.

3. Get physical

Go for a walk, do a seven minute workout, yoga, stretching, anything that gets you moving even if it’s running up and down the stairs.

4. take time out

Whether it’s taking a bubble bath or just curling up with a good book, do something that you want to do. Even if it means putting off that one load of laundry or leaving the dishes in the sink, take some time out for yourself, even if it’s 30 minutes to just sit in silence.

5. get plenty of rest

There’s nothing like being tired and cranky AND overwhelmed. Make sure you get to bed early, even if you spend a little time reading before you fall asleep. Being tired isn’t going to ease your stress level. (I need to work on the early bedtime.)

6. stay positive

No matter what’s going on in your life, find something positive out of each day. Some days it may take more effort than others, but look for the good in every situation. It is there. We just need to have the desire to find it.

Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Posted in Self Help

Urgent Answers

With so much uncertainty in the world do you ever just find yourself searching urgently for the answers?



What if?


I find it especially difficult these days to not let my mind veer off course, end up in a frantic tailspin, swirling out of control. It’s difficult not to prowl around searching for urgent answers to impossible questions. Questions I realize only a higher power could possibily answer, but yet, ones I am convinced I have a right to know.

Then on the flip side, there are the urgent, dreadful answers, once revealed, my heart cannot completely recover from no matter what I do.

It’s hard to be unseen or unheard.

It’s even harder to decipher what answers we really want. Or, the ones we really need.

Inquisitive mind?

Truth seeker?

Or, maybe a self-destructive soul who seeks out the truth to questions sometimes better off left unanswered. One with no compassion for the human heart.

Until it’s too late.

Shattered in a million pieces with answers I so urgently searched for in spite of knowing some things are better off left undisclosed.

Why did I imagine my fears were fooling me?

The story of a life. An inquiring mind that wishes a moment too late, I wouldn’t have asked the question, wouldn’t have read the test results, wouldn’t have put two and two together, wouldn’t have said no sugar coating.

That dire truth I feel in my gut, unknowingly eluding me with an imagination of silence and uncertainty. In my head, fear of the uncharted and darkness is much worse than the urgent answer I seek. That is until it’s delivered.

That’s me in a broken, cracked, and irreparable nutshell.

And, like anything broken…it hurts like heck.

Wanting to see into the future, wanting to be a realist, wanting to know the unknowns.

Patience is strength. And, I am learning this life requires both.

Sometimes, it is better to just live in the moment and relish it. What we don’t know can’t hurt us. Our paths are already planned.

In the end, the answers don’t change the path. Accept it and have faith love conquers all.

Five healthy habits to live in the moment:

distract yourself

If you find yourself with too much time on your hands, searching for answers, thinking too much or just worrying and wondering too often, find a hobby, consider a part time job or volunteer your time to a needy cause. Staying busy and creating distractions can be the best medicine when we are stressed and anxiety ridden. Find something to occupy your mind and fill the time. Don’t let your thoughts drive your mind down the wrong road.

write down your thoughts

Some days I find myself just wanting to be alone, not having to talk to anyone. On these days particularly, I know I do some of my best writing. It gives me a chance to write down what’s on my mind and work through it on my own. I don’t have anyone telling me what to do, how to think or feel, or giving me advice. I just have myself to listen to and work through my thoughts. Most often it’s the best feeling in the world because I got through the moment by myself. It gives me a sense of self satisfaction and control. At a time when we may feel we have no control over anything, I consider this a win.

enjoy one day at a time

This is a hard one for me. It’s easy to think we can simply just think about today, but when our thoughts escalate it can be a domino effect. One thought leads to another and before we know it, we are trying to analyze every possible move or scenario to predict the future.

When the mind starts reeling, take a step back, focus on the present and force yourself to stop the thought process. Bring your thoughts back to the present, take a few deep breaths and allow your thoughts to concentrate on the current moment.

find someone to talk to

Phone a friend, find a counselor, join a support group or just find anyone who will listen or can relate. The pandemic has socially challenged all of us, but having coffee with a friend, talking on the phone, facetiming or seeking therapy is a way to talk through any struggles and calm your anxiety regarding the uncertainty of tomorrow, no matter what that looks like for you.

refocus your mind

At night, when I’m ready to fall asleep, I try to listen to a meditation that redirects my thoughts to relaxation and unwinding. It helps focus my mind on my breathing, relaxing my body and training my brain to just let my thoughts wander in and out. It’s amazing how much more relaxed and less tense I become in just 10 minutes of this self reflection.

For many of us, I think we can agree nighttime is the worst for our minds to spiral out of control with thoughts of worry and what ifs. For me personally, I have realized if I can settle my mind before I try to fall asleep, I have a better chance of getting a good night’s sleep.

Above all else, cut yourself some slack, take a break, pray and give it to God. There is contentment to be found somewhere in our future.

Don’t seek urgent answers. Seek PEACE. Seek JOY!

Posted in Self Help

Unseen Signs

Ever feel like you were just sent a sign?

Something was revealed to you. You read a story, a quote or a message.

Ever feel like you discovered something and it just clicked in your head and resonated with everything you’ve been questioning in your mind?

Me, too.

I often feel my life is a BIG puzzle, and I am just scrambling around trying to find all the missing pieces. And, sometimes there’s a piece that looks exact but doesn’t fit quite right.

Sometimes I find myself staring, searching then realizing it’s all right there in front of me. I just didn’t see it.

And, I realize maybe, it wasn’t time.

I feel I have spent much of the last two and a half years being scared, worrying, grieving. After my son’s accident last fall I began this regression. I spent all my time worrying, stressing and taking care of my son and husband. I was stuck in this fear mode that began to consume me.

I found my heart battling with my brain, one bringing me down and the other fighting to keep me afloat. At the time I didn’t know it. I didn’t know what was happening, but the signs, the pieces…they were there.

Thanksgiving brought my three older children home from college and back to the nest. For the next two months I spent the most time with my youngest daughter. Almost daily, day after day, was filled with moments with her.

I’m not certain what happened during those days, but I do know my children comfort my soul. They enliven me, they motivate me, they encourage me, and they inspire me. They make me want to be better in so many ways. The strength I see in them makes me want to be in undiluted joy.

After two months I dreaded the day she left, but what I don’t think she realized was what she gave me while she was here.

So many signs. So much resilience. So much peace.

I have sought strength daily and prayed for my children, because I didn’t know what else to do. At the same time, I have struggled, stumbled and grasped for something to hold onto, and I have fought for some kind of control within myself.

It has been like treading water, and I tired a long time ago. I kept fighting when there wasn’t a fight left. I believe in times of despair it is hard to see the signs, hard to find the pieces, hard to accept what is right in front of us.

Hard to trust what we cannot see.

But, never give up. It will present itself.

How does it happen?

For me, I got to the point of exhaustion. It’s a long, confusing and mentally draining road to take. My faith was the only place I could find strength, the only being who could get me through the darkness, the only power that could calm my heart. In the midst of my unknown, I was lost. I wasn’t strong enough by myself. I simply had to believe in what I could not see.


When we are struggling with things out of our control, struggling to change, struggling to be better or do better, or struggling with chaos or despair or heartbreak, we sometimes have to trust what we cannot see. We are on a path, unknowing to where it leads. Trust the journey.


Make peace in your heart. Take time out to rest and quiet the noise. In the silence, a higher power will speak to you and calm your soul. Simply finding some sort of peace, taking time out, quieting all the chaos and finding that solitude does the soul good.


Don’t lose patience. Have patience with yourself and in your faith. Things do not always come to us simply when we want them. We are not always on our own time. Simply, our path is set. Our journey will reveal itself to us when it is meant to happen. Be patient and have faith. Love yourself and give yourself the time you need.


Never lose hope. Hope is all we have at times, and it has more power than we will ever know. Hope has saved souls, been the guiding light, and restored peace. Hope is a feeling of trust. Never lose it.

Posted in Self Help

Happy People

Have you ever met anyone that just exudes happiness?

I think about the people I know who are always smiling, laughing, full of life, and I think to myself that is what happiness looks like.

Maybe it’s not a care in the world or such a thing as a bad day. Maybe it’s living life to the beat of my own drum. Maybe it’s about ridding life of stress or worry. Or just maybe, it’s a decision.

This year, I am determined to not get weighed down by all the obstacles and chaos. To smile, laugh, stress and worry less, and get some of the old me back. She is in there…and I’m dusting her off.

Perhaps, being happier is having less rather than more. Less of some things and more of what I already have. Maybe being happy is nothing more than a feeling and a state of mind. I do know happiness isn’t things or people or money or popularity or perhaps anything tangible. It’s not complex or demanding or cluttered.

Happiness is unpretentious.

I am convinced happiness is a choice.


A peaceful place.

A spot, somewhere in the mind, that tickles the soul and makes a consistent, conscious effort to push on without hesistation. Without worry or doubt. Without negativity or overthinking.

Peace, positivity, faith.

I’m fairly certain that’s happiness.

What happy people do…

1. they smile and laugh a lot

It’s hard to smile and laugh and not be happy. Even in times I feel like crying, there is something to be said about laughter. Laughter releases endorphins and reduces stress. It’s amazing how a little laughter can help show the positive side of any situation. I am convinced laughter will make us all live longer. Smile…someone may be watching!

2. they take care of themselves mentally and physically

I have always heard how can we take care of anyone else or make them happy if we don’t do the same for ourselves? There are no truer words. Since being a caregiver for my husband, I have realized if I’m not taking care of myself, it’s harder to take care of him.

Exercising, eating healthier, and sleeping is all a part of taking care of me. All of it affects my mental and physical health and how I feel in general.

People used to say to me sleep, take a nap, rest when you can. And, I do. At times, the best sleep I’ve gotten has been between 7 and 9 am, and I’m not ashamed of it. Doing a 7-minute workout, treating myself to a healthy protein shake, or taking a long trip to the grocery can all count for something.

3. they are not materialistic

We all know searching for happiness in “things” is a dead end road, but yet, we have all been guilty of it. Treat yourself to a new pair of shoes or buy the dress. Just don’t use it as a crutch to make yourself happy because we all know it won’t last. The closet will be overflowing with items never worn, and happiness will still be in limbo.

Repeat after me…Happiness is not found in things!

4. they spend time with people they love

I would say happiness IS found in times. Times we spend with family, times we spend with friends, intimate times, fun times, grateful times, unforgettable times.

The time I spend with my family and close friends are the most memorable and the times that give me the love and support I need. Monthly game night with friends produces a mountain of laughs that I would never take for granted. (Thanks Girl Gang) The mother-daughter visits with my mom I will cherish forever, and the ones with my own girls fill my heart. 💜 Family dinners, holidays, trips…I wouldn’t trade them for all the things in the world.

5. they practice kindness and gratitude

Happiness comes from within. I love for someone to do special things for me, but I love giving to others. Buying a coffee for the person behind me in the drive thru makes me feel good inside. I think about how it made me smile when someone did it for me, so I want to pass it on. Good deeds go a long way when seeking happiness.

Being grateful for what I do have rather than focusing on what I don’t has made a huge difference in dealing with everything going on in my life. Look at the glass as half full instead of half empty.

Perception! Everything is how you perceive it. Don’t let your mind lose sight of that.

6. they don’t compare their life to others

Happy people don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. They don’t compare themselves to anyone else. Their life resides in the mold they make, and they shape it to fit into what makes them feel good. If we worry about what everyone else is doing then we are surely missing out on what we ourselves want.

Don’t compare your life to others, that’s not where you live!

7. THey take time out for themselves

Happy people go off the grid when they need to recharge. They focus on their inner world and keeping their stars aligned.

And, that is not found in someone else’s universe.

Feeling burned out or overwhelmed means we need to detox. Spend Saturday night at home, off your phone, with some relaxing music and a bubble bath. Or stay in for an intimate dinner and go to bed early.

8. they keep their circle small

We can be kind to everyone whether or not they are part of our tribe. Some people won’t like us just because of the color of our hair, but that’s their problem. Everyone has that one or two or few friends they just connect with in life. Make that your crew. It’s much easier to fit in a small circle than it is a crowd. It doesn’t mean we can’t be social with everyone, it just means we don’t need to be surrounded by a flock to be happy.

Surround yourself with “a few good men,” who are positive, good people.

9. they are self-disciplined

I’m pretty certain the people I know who have their mind focused on the prize are the most cheerful. And, the prize is what they want out of life which transforms to their happiness. Whether it’s a job, a lifestyle or a hobby, I believe when we set goals for ourselves, strive for those goals, and ultimatley achieve them is when we realize we are happy doing exactly what it is WE want.

Don’t get distracted by shiny things. Don’t let others deter you from the path you set out on to achieve your goals.

10. they realize happiness comes from within

At no point in life should we ever rely on somone else to make us happy. People can contribute to our happiness, but they don’t make us happy. Only our soul knows what it needs. We do have priorities and responsibilities to our spouse, children, family, but we also have a responsibility to ourself.

We can’t do what makes everyone else content all the time and expect to have all of the happy we want or need. And, we can’t ask anyone else to do it either. Happiness isn’t found in that equation.

It is only when we search within our particular mind and soul that our path to our own happiness will reveal itself.

Posted in Self Help


How many people made resolutions for 2021?

No resolutions for this girl.

This is my first post of the new year, and one I’m writing after a long break. A much needed break!

I never make resolutions. I hate them, and honestly I’m not a big fan of celebrating the new year. I’m a night owl, and even I went to bed before midnight. I think it’s crazy to make a big deal about turning the calendar to a new month, a new day, or even a made up new year.

It’s tomorrow…and that’s all I’ll say about it.

I did use my hiatus for some much needed time with my kids and some searching. Searching for peace, positivity, good vibes, and whatever other blessings I can find.

Needless to say, that wasn’t on the TV, social media, or even in other people. It was simply where it has always been…inside my heart and soul.

It’s 2021 people. Nothing much has changed except my thought process.

Cheers to another year…

10 Ways to Find Inner Peace in the New Year

1. meditate

There are many types of meditation including focused mediation, spiritual meditation and movement meditation.

Depending on what your goals are will depend on what type of meditation you use. I use all three of these depending on my mood and what I want to accomplish. If I’m stressed I focus on my breathing, even if it’s just for two minutes, to try and calm my mind and relax.

For me, spiritual meditation is reading a devotion and spending some quiet time talking to God. I usually play some calming music and use some dōTERRA essential oils. (If you want to learn more about dōTERRA let me know.)

Movement meditation can be yoga, exercise or just a walk. I can always do a lot of thinking and clearing my mind just by walking around the loop.

2. turn off the outside world

Social media and cell phones have made it so easy to get caught up in what everybody else is doing. Take a break and spend less time with your nose buried in an electronic device. Limit your time texting or scrolling and choose to have a conversation with your spouse or kids. Read a book, find a hobby and turn off the news.

Trust me. The less you know about what’s going on with the world and everyone else, the happier you will be.

3. leave the past behind

It’s sometimes hard to do, but the more time you spend in the present the better. Forgive those that have hurt you, get rid of the negativity it created and look to the future. Learn from mistakes, try harder next time and move on. As much as we would like a “do over” sometimes, it’s not always possible. Don’t focus on what you cannot control, or what is said and done.

Sometimes this is hard for me, but I have found it’s not always me who needs the help. I have learned it’s not about letting someone off the hook, but rather letting myself find peace in the situation. I’m not forgetting what happened, but I am using it in order to not let it happen again. Forgive and hand it over to God.

4. disconnect with anything or anyone that makes you unhappy. tighten your circle

We cannot choose our family, but we can decide who and what we surround ourselves with. Choose friends and family that support you, make you feel good, and bring positivity to your life. Distance yourself from everything else. If someone or something makes you unhappy, unhealthy, or brings negativity to your life, rid yourself now.

Tighten your circle! Contrary to the beliefs of those with thousands of followers, not everyone is meant to be your friend. And, when it comes down to it, most of them really aren’t. In times of crisis you will find out soon enough who is there for you and who is meant to be.

If life starts to overwhelm you press pause.

5. do what you want

As my youngest daughter always says, “I do what I want.” It’s kind of a joke, but the more I think about it, the more I say good for her. Do what makes YOU happy. We are all adults, and we don’t need anyone’s approval. Be nice, be considerate and do good, but don’t do something just because of someone else. Other people’s opinions are just that…opinions. We are all entitled to our own. Just because someone says it doesn’t make it true. Focus on the positive and stay true to yourself.

6. live in the moment

Since my husband’s illness, people are always telling me to take it one day at a time. I get sick of hearing it sometimes because that is much easier said than done; however, I do believe we need to enjoy life today and not ALWAYS worry about tomorrow. It may never come.

Be conscious of today’s consequences, but don’t forget to stop and smell the roses every now and then. Some days we just need to do what makes us happy, even if that’s not possible every day.

7. count your blessings

I have learned no matter what we are going through, someone else is going through something worse. In the midst of storms in our life, we sometimes forget to stop and think about all the blessings we have. No matter how big or small, they are there if we simply choose to look for them. Our children, our loved ones, a roof over our head, food on the table, a warm bed, a trip to the beach, a phone call from a friend…we take for granted many of the simple blessings we have every day. Even in hard times make peace with the path you are on.

8. Simplify your life

If there’s one thing COVID has done for us, it’s forced us to slow down and spend more time at home and with our families. In the midst of it all, I’ve realized how much I crave a simple life. I don’t care if I get invited to the party or if people think I’m unsocialable or if I’ve got a new house or a trip planned to the tropics. And, I don’t care what people think I have or don’t have. I’m thankful for my family, and I get to spend time with them. All the materialism in the world, all the friends, all the stuff won’t make me happy, and it surely won’t make life simple.

9. spend more time with yourself

I value time with myself when I get it, but I’m not one to choose to be alone. I wouldn’t choose to go out to lunch by myself or on a vacation or be single; however, there is something said about a person who is comfortable always spending time with their own self.

Get to know yourself, build your confidence, seek your inner soul to find what it is you truly want out of life. We are responsible for our own happiness, our own success, our own doing. When you can be comfortable with who you are, find exactly what you want out of life, it is then you can be happy. Don’t seek that from someone else or you will spend the rest of your days on an endless search.

Don’t be afraid of being alone, be afraid of doing the wrong things and spending time with the wrong people.

10. write it down

If I have learned nothing else, I have learned that words make me feel better. I write down my thoughts. I journal. I blog. I take notes. Simply by writing things down, it helps me work through my mind, my worries, my troubles, my fears, my journey. I won’t say I always find a solution, but I will say more often than not I feel better. And, if nothing else, I can say I did it on my own, with myself.

Posted in Devotional


Has anyone ever thought about making a list of all your worries?

I feel like many times I worry and stress over all the things in life that causes concern rather than turning it all around and searching for what I have to be grateful for because of it.

I am truly working hard and striving to be conscious of everything in my life, even the bad stuff, that I need to thank God for everyday. I feel like it’s easy to get caught up in a busy life and only turn to the Lord when I am struggling. In reality, I need to be thanking him when life is good even more so.

In spite of all my worries, I do have some happy moments in my life. I have some good days even though many times they are clouded with the storm that is brewing in the back of my mind. It is hard to forget how much my heart aches everyday, but there is some joy regardless of all the pain.

I simply have to search for it.

It is there as clear as day, although sometimes I don’t immediately realize it.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,”

James 1:2

As I was reminded while listening to the sermon I watched yesterday with my daughter and hubby, we are simply on a path to get to where we are going. All the materialism, money, popularity, and all “things” we may desire on Earth will not matter, nor will there be a place for them. What will matter is if we followed the Lord on our way, or if we lived by our own rules.

The sermon, my family’s situation, my worries, my prayers, the holidays….they all have me thinking lately. Thinking about life, about being grateful, about what brings me joy. It’s nice to have shiny new things, but at the end of the day that is all they are.


We seek more and more in search of finding happiness. Joy.

In the end we realize they are simply distractions. Objects. Just things.

No feelings. No heart. Lifeless. Cold.

Most of us would give away everything we have to save ourselves and those we love. For our health. Our family. For love.

God got that right the first time. However, we are still learning.

Today, I wrote out a list of some of my worries, and I turned those worries into gratefulness. Because at the end of the day, I know there will always be something to be thankful for.

A couple of weeks ago I was traveling back home from out of town and stopped for a coffee for the road. As I ordered and waited in the drive thru I noticed a young man behind me and felt an urge to pay for his coffee. Not because I had extra money to spend, but because my heart led me to do it. Someone had done the same for me a few months earlier.

Had that person sensed I was having a bad day? Maybe.

Regardless, the gesture warmed my heart and made my day thinking a stranger had been so kind. I paid the deed forward in hopes it would make someone else feel the same.

No matter how broken I feel inside I want to remain steadfast on my path. I don’t want to let the bad stuff make me bitter. I don’t want to get distracted by all the shiny things.

I want grace, and I want love. I want it all around me. Even in the midst of all my worries, I know it is there.

It is a promise.

Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

James 1:12

Posted in Devotional, Family

Be Thankful

What do you have to be thankful for this Thanksgiving?

It has been a challenging year to say the least. One that has put us to many tests, questioned every ideology we believe in, and divided our society more than we care to discuss.

Yet, through this ever changing crisis in our world, I am fighting harder than ever to remain hopeful in every aspect of my life. To say it has been a difficult task is an understatement.

I am awake at 1:30 in the morning going through the thoughts weighing my mind down. It seems almost a bittersweet day, trying hard to focus on the good in order to battle the demons I wrestle with inside my head.

Twenty-four hours from now my heart will be brimming with love, my house will be full, and the four beds upstairs will be filled with my blessings. It is an instance I have been anticipating, and one that brings joy to my soul.

Everyone will be home from college, and the holidays will begin.

It is a time of year to reflect on all I have to be thankful for, all I’m blessed with, and how grateful I am for my family. This year has been filled with ups and downs, and it has produced a time like no other.

In spite of all the chaos, there are many reasons to feel blessed. And, my list is long.

On another note, there is also a sense of sadness, heartbreak and hurdles that have plagued me, one after another. It is hard not to recall those moments no matter how hard I push them back in my mind.

I have had an uneasiness in my heart. One I know is fueled by anticipation, waiting and what-ifs. At times it overwhelms me to the point where I feel like I am suffocating. The anxiousness takes over at those moments, and I remind myself to just breathe. There are moments I feel like I’m going to explode and the anxiety will consume every inch of me.

Distractions. They are my saviors for the moment.

I wrestle with what this week should look like and all it is. It bounces back and forth in my mind as I try to grasp hold of it to get it under control.

Peace. It is near. I feel it just out of my reach.

I simply must stop the noise I have let inside, take the leap and grasp it.

In the midst of all the storms in my life the only peace I can cling to is having hope, trusting the Lord will see me through and remembering there is much to be grateful for.

Other than being thankful for the obvious blessings in life, I am grateful for the hope I have found. The prayers, the Lord, and all the things not seen. They are there and the only sense of comfort that brings any peace in my life.

My children are my salvation. Without them I would not be able to weather the pain I feel in my heart. They give me strength to get up each day, knowing I have moments with them to look forward to, their hugs, their I love yous, their voice calling out to me. They fill my heart with a joy I have no where else in my life. They create the four corners of my world. They are my biggest blessing.

My family, my friends, the wonderful doctors, my parents, my aunt and uncle, my brother, the crazy dog who brings so much laughter to these rooms and all the others I fail to mention. The battles hubby fights so hard without complaints, providing for our family in spite of his illness, and all the times he has been the one comforting me.

All of you have been a solace in the storm. All I am blessed with. All the good in spite of the bad.

It is in the midst of turmoil that sometimes we find the many blessings bestowed upon us. Without the bad, how would we see the good?

Perhaps, we should remember we need to have the negative in order to see the positive. The bad in order to appreciate the good. And, the storms in order to enjoy the sunshine. No matter what we endure, the glass is always half full if that is how we choose to see it.

On this Thanksgiving open your heart to the joys in your life, the blessings, the gratefulness. Find hope in the uncertainty, seek grace from the favors of the Lord, and appreciate what you do have. We all have something to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34
Posted in Cancer, Family

National Family Caregivers Month

Do you know anyone who serves as a caregiver for a family member?

November is a time to recognize and support family caregivers so if you know one thank them for their dedication to humanity.

I’m certain being a medical worker is a rewarding career. I have many family members and friends who work and serve in the medical community. I never thought about the challenges of it though until I became my hubby’s caregiver.

Obviously, I am a wife and mom first, but since my hubby’s cancer diagnosis and my son’s burn accident I have become a little more to both of them.

In the process of becoming a caregiver, I have learned so much about advocating for my family members, being a nurse and wound care specialist, and the mental and physical needs of someone who cannot always care for themselves. I have learned to stand up and push for what they need or do not need, ask questions, understand medical lingo, fight for what’s right, and not be scared to be their advocate.

According to, more than 40 million people in the United States serve as unpaid caregivers.

Posted in Family, Self Help


Do you ever feel better after a good laugh?

Through all the tears, all the pain, all the bad news, we still manage to laugh as much as possible in our house. And, when there’s no cure for what’s ailing you it’s hard to deny laughter makes it somewhat better, even if it is just for a short while.

Hubby always says one minute of laughter a day is all we need, but lately I’ve been feeling I could use a little more.

With everything going on in the world this year, I think everyone needs some laughter and some joy.

It’s amazing how much better I feel when I get out of my familiar surroundings for just a short while, spend some time with friends who are like family, and just LAUGH. I may need a second, or even a third dose throughout the day, but hey I know it’s good for the soul.

It’s a known fact laughing can reduce stress, ease tension, and just improve your mood. Even a little bit. Even for a short while.

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

Proverbs 17:22

Hubby has always been sort of a funny man. He’s kind of a smarty pants most would agree, and he can make anyone in our family laugh. Sometimes, he can make them mad as well. LOL

We have this crazy sense of humor we share, sarcastic in a way, poking fun in the other’s direction, laughing at silly memories. When I think back, I can remember so many things, so many times.

Sometimes I wonder, where does he come up with this stuff? But, I think in a way we feed off each other, knowing how to push each other’s buttons.

I love when we have those meaningless conversations, the ones that lead to laughing or reminiscing, and I end up smiling just thinking about them. So many memories, vacations with family, trips with friends, and holidays or occasions that include laughing.

If I lost him it’s what I would miss the most. His sarcastic comments, the way a family conversation is always full of chuckles and crazy comments, and how everyone plays off each other’s words. My children and their dad, telling stories, laughing, making jokes. It all makes me smile.

I would miss all of that. And, who else would ever put up with me?

Even in the midst of laughter, there’s always those thoughts in the back of my mind. And, I know what people will say, but it’s hard to distract the mind from going there. So, don’t say it to me please. I know I shouldn’t think about it, but tell my mind that at 2 am.

After everything we have been through it is hard to forget. As someone once said, it’s not about what might happen, it’s about what did happen. It’s not so much about worrying, but about remembering.

And, it’s hard to not remember all of the doctor visits, all the appointments, all the scans, all the complications, the infection, the cancer, the treatments, the effects, the wounds, the pain, the battle, the fight. It’s too much to forget, and the daily reminders are always there, in the morning and at night.


Every. Single. Day.

The laughter is a temporary distraction, and one that is always welcomed.

Needed. Craved.

Every day we tell ourselves, Laughter is the best medicine.

As the bible says there is a time for everything. I know God is telling me to enjoy life as I have it right now, because time is precious and we never know when we will come to the end of our path.

I remind myself it is out of my control, and I know I should not fret.

In spite of the division we have all around us, I am going to choose Joy, choose Laughter, choose to spend time with my family and closest friends because I know that is something I do have a choice in.

And, amongst the laughter that will be something to remember.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Posted in Devotional

Peace in the Silence

Do you ever just sit and think about quiet time?

I think about it every day.

My soul craves it like a sun-drenched skin thirsts for the shade. All the time I am imagining I require it to keep me in a homeostatic state.

I have made a conscious effort to cut out all the static and noise. When hubby first got sick, my mind tirelessly went to thoughts and worry and what-ifs. It was like I had no control of my mind, running rampant making no sense out of anything. There is no immediate way to stop all the racket in your head when your world has been turned upside down.

People can say what they want. They can judge, voice their opinion on what I should say, do, feel. Unless they have been in my shoes, they have no say in how I should feel. My spouse is in the battle of his life, and I am helpless.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”


How can you just sit back and watch that without a glimpse of worry?

It is almost too much to deal with on some days. I have went back and forth from managing to bad to worse. It’s like a miserable fair ride that won’t stop.

And, that reminds me. Do you ever just remember a similar instance of something happening that occurred in your childhood?

I feel like as a child I was on a ride, screaming to get off, for it to stop, but it just kept moving despite my mother yelling, STOP! I wonder if it’s real, just a figment of my imagination, or if maybe it’s me grasping for some sense of security and understanding. Maybe it’s my mother or some sort of thought transference, or maybe it’s just made up in my head.

The mind is powerful, turbulent at times, and a vessel of danger when we don’t practice discipline and use our authority to manage it. It can become our master and control us if we give it the power to do so.

And, not always in a happy or positive way.

I have learned silence is fuel. It repairs what is fatigued. A cure for the broken-hearted. It is only in the quietness I can embrace inner peace. It is where God is with me, where I sense I have some sort of protection for my heart.

I believe I have feared loneliness for so long that I didn’t realize being lonely and being alone are two different things. I have learned to appreciate my alone time, using it to talk to God and find the peace concealed inside me. I still wrestle with the loneliness at times, but now it is different, even though I have to restrain it from time to time.

I have regressed, back and forth, to this place. It’s as if I’m digging myself out of a pit, and on the other end someone is digging it deeper. I’m fighting being buried, fighting to survive, fighting my own mind.

If I can simply stop the chaos, stop the noise, stop the race, I realize the battle is over.

All it takes is a few minutes of quietness.



The more I practice it, the more solitude I find.

There’s no desire for validation or acceptance. No need for words.

The peace comes from the silence within my heart, where I know only God can calm the storm.

Posted in Devotional, Self Help

Approval Not Needed

We all have moments we struggle, right?

I struggle, I falter, I sometimes think I can’t get through today. Some thing, some person, some distraction takes my mind where I don’t need to go, don’t want to focus, or just outside my realm. There are just some places I don’t belong.

And, there are other places I just don’t want to be.

I am learning to reduce the noise in my life, surround myself with solitude, peace, and silence. It is amazing how close I can become with God when I turn off the sound. It is a sort of exercise I wish I would have kept up with a long time ago.

Nonetheless, I realize lessons are something I will always learn in life no matter how old I am.

Being more spiritual, believing in a higher power has brought me peace at those uncertain instances when anxiety sets in, I can’t breathe, and I feel as if I am being buried. At times, I feel lost in my life, tormented by the unknown, alone in the darkness, deafened by the silence. Ironically, the same silence that when I talk to God brings me a sense of calm.

My close family members and friends know me. They know the place I am in my life, respect my struggles and sympathize with my pain. They listen, they empathize, they supoort. They may not know how I feel, but they acknowledge my strength, my resilience.

They also know I am human.

“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;”

Romans 3:23

And, that just validates the reality some know me better than others, and some don’t know me at all.

Everyone in my life has a role, and some roles last longer than others. Some don’t make it through one chapter, but everyone serves their purpose.

As the saying goes, some people are a blessing, others are a lesson.

I am thankful for both.

When hubby got cancer I was a mess. It was like a levee broke, and I was flooded with fears and questions and worry. It consumed me, and it put me in a state of shock.

I have always felt I could handle anything thrown my way as long as I was prepared. A cancer diagnosis doesn’t fall into that category. Most of us believe those are the kinds of things that happen to other people.

It in fact has been a hard year for many people. A pandemic is not for the weak. I know so many fighting cancer, along with numerous other battles. It has been a tumultuous year for us all, and some of us have fought battles this year that no one knows about.

Yes, even in my family.

This whole year has been hell, really. Simply one struggle after another.

Then September rolled around and my upside down world began to tumble.



On my knees.

And, I knew then it was time to shut down the outside world.


Simply because it was the only way I could get through my son’s accident.

I will never get used to my husband having cancer. In one way or another, I am faced with multiple reminders on a daily basis. The rest of the world is not living those moments, but I live them over and over every day as they stare me in the face. No matter how much Jesus I have in my life I am human, I waver. Time and again.

Perhaps nothing can prepare me, or maybe it’s just an adaption I cannot make.

Either way, I have realized it is OK.

It is OK to not be OK. It’s OK to have a bad day, or a bad week, or even two.

It is OK. It just has to be because there’s really no choice.

I will never forget the day of my son’s accident. I will never forget how helpless I felt, how defenseless I was. I will not forget the fear, the pain, the trauma, the sleeplessness, the nightmares, or any of it.

I am so thankful the Lord looked out for him that day, and each time I replay the moments over in my head I realize how blessed we are.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Psalm 46:1

There are plenty of tears to be soaked up, but cherishing the silence in my life is helping me manuever my way through a difficult course. It has helped me see where I’ve been and how far I have come.

Writing helps me sort through my thoughts and digest the ones I can tolerate. Those left are simply there to remind me of work to be done, fears I am facing, and a momento of how this is part of a bigger plan.

I know there is a purpose on my path, and slowly, I am fumbling through all the pages to find the bigger picture. This blog has become part of my journey. It is mine, and there are no right or wrong answers. It is my haven, my survival tool, my place to sort it all out and find peace, encourage others, and even follow my dreams.

It is simply a part of my journey I have chosen to share.

I come here, to this place of words and quotes and thoughts, seeking what’s hidden in the quiteness. A refuge for us all to find comfort and harmony. My courage in sharing my emotions and searching for a sense of healing may seem like a vulnerability; however, make no mistake, it is in no way a search for approval.

Posted in Devotional, Self Help

Hard to Handle

Have you ever had a critical realization that impacted your whole way of thinking?

I have an abundance of thoughts and a lack of discernments that could go into making the list complete, and this could quite possibly be why I always need to know the unknown. And, why I try terribly hard to be a realist.

Let’s face it! I have said it before…we spend our whole life planning for the future only to hit the brakes when something tragic happens and then be expected to live life one day at a time. I dont know about you, but I have never been able to shift gears that quickly, nor do I instantly accept change at a moment’s notice.

Maybe when it comes to being a mom or having to think faster than four little ones, but not in a situation that involves every life expectancy I ever dreamed about.

Last week, I listened to a podcast from a lovely woman who has suffered her own heartaches similar to my own. One of the discussions during her segment touched on some mistruths and how she searched the Bible unsuccessfully to find where it says God will not give us anymore than we can handle.

I have thought about this more and more since last week, but more importantly, I thought about this long before I heard that discussion.

For a long, long time I have felt overloaded, over exhausted, and most importantly mistaken. Mistaken for a strong woman who surely was made of steel.

My point being there’s no way I could be as heavily built as God must think.

Not only do I not feel strong, but I don’t want to have to always be. And, why don’t I have any choice in this?

Why was I chosen to be so tough?

As the saying goes, when it rains it pours?

How much can one person, one family take?

By no means am I the only one struggling. I know several people who have the weight crushing their shoulders. I am not alone. And honestly, I don’t want to be here.

People tell me all the time how strong I am, but honestly do I have a choice?

Ever since my son’s accident I have wondered how much more is going to come at us? I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And, since hubby’s illness, I have had this urge to fight the panic that plagues me, to protect my children, and pray they stay safe.

That September afternoon, and the days that followed at the Burn Center, stole every ounce of peace I had built up and robbed me of any hope that my children are invincible in harm’s way.

Fear does not discriminate and a few days ago it tormented me as a feeling of panic consumed me. A quick shower, a missed phone call, and a simple reminder of my daughter traveling back to school flooded my mind with a disquiet. I had this uncontrollable feeling that something bad was happening, and I was deemed helpless.

The fear was unwarranted, unnecessary, but yet it hounded me nonetheless. These are the moments that rob me without warning, devouring any solitude I have found and creating hysteria within my mind.

I feel helpless, beaten, and the anxiety sets in.

I used to find comfort in thinking nothing else will happen because God knows I can’t take anymore.

However, one thing I have learned and know for certain is there are no guarantees.

To finish the story, the point in the podcast was…God will not give us anymore than we can handle without His help.

The lesson is to put your trust in God.

I will admit I have an uneasiness about it. I have this misconception I am letting go of control of the reins. In the back of my mind when I am thinking sensibly and my fear is not controlling my mind, I know realistically I don’t actually have control of any of this.

Life is hard and without Him it is impossible to get through the darkness. The most difficult challenge is letting go and trusting what is not seen to get you through to the light.

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

John 15:5
Posted in Cancer

Anticipatory Grief

Ever wonder why you just can’t shake a feeling?

I will admit since my son’s accident I just can’t rid myself of the aura that keeps plaguing me.

Some days I feel so consumed and overwhelmed that I just lose track of the day. It’s like I have no sense of time or my locality. I lock myself up from the outside world, unknowingly detached from what’s surrounding me, finding myself almost oblivious to any sense of time.

The days have gone by, the weeks, and I am still unaware of what a normal day should entail. I have no recollection of what normal is anymore, and my reality reminds me I never will.

I sit in my daughter’s apartment tonight, staring at a photograph of me holding her, just a few months old, and I long for those joyous days and the happiness I took for granted.

We have this false sense that happiness, once achieved, will be forever more.

There’s no greater joy for me than being a mom, a wife, and having a family. A secure sense of being I feel slipping away week after week. It’s as if I cannot stop the unraveling or the rate of speed I see it happening. I simply cannot go back or stop time.

The uncontrollable thoughts presented to my mind create anxiety and frustration, and I fight to stop the turmoil in my head. The tears that come without any sense of warning, the disquiet I can feel building up in a moment’s notice, and the reasoning behind it all.

We are seven months into a ridiculous pandemic. I wish I could physically start a fist fight with this invasion. Blame it for stealing my peace, my precious time.

However, the emptiness there eludes the liability.

In the rear of my mind, I recognize cancer has stolen much of what is irretrievable; however, there’s no palpable being to blame. I am in a whirlwind, spinning out of control, with no notion of how to make it all stop.

I have tried over and over to make sense of the jumbled thoughts and feelings that torment my heart and mind. I long for one person who can imagine the emptiness, the oblivion that burdens my soul.

No one in my realm shares the hollowness in my heart.

How can I mourn something not yet totally lost?

How do I mend a broken heart?

And, how do I accept the guilt for feeling grief before it’s time?

I never knew anticipatory grief was a real thing.

I know cancer introduced it into my life. An unfair loss of freedom has created a lingering sense that more is yet to come. And, what will earn the credit of the final nail?

Many of us are greiving an old life robbed by a pandemic, but I was grieving loss long before that.

We spend our whole life planning for the future, until we get cheated out of our destiny only to live life one day at a time.

Anticipation, loneliness, fear, anxiety, emotional numbness. None of those are made up nor are they understood. There aren’t enough distractions in a day to balance out the emotions that chase my mind.

I am feeling my way through the darkness, grasping for something in the blackness to steady me, take my hand and lead me into the light. I pray for some sense of peace, belonging, and a place to rest my thoughts.

I pray for strength.

I have read the stories of so many strangers, grappling to provide comfort to those of us lost in a storm. Those who know all too well what anticipatory grief is, the emotions of being a caregiver for someone with a long-term illness, and the anticipation of how it will all play out.

One thing I have learned, one thing that I have lived. One thing that has stuck in my mind. We are simply “not good,” and our response that we are OK does not mean we are. It is simply a false hope, and I’m sorry, but most cannot handle that truth.

No one is ever comfortable with grief or loss. Not the one living it, and not the one watching from the outside, looking in.

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30
Posted in Self Help

On this Road

Is anyone else happy to see October?

I will admit I’m a summer girl, and I hate nothing more than saying goodbye to the season.

BUT, this year (as if it could get any worse…no, I did not just say that) September was about to do me in. It was about to do the whole family in.

Definitely, not a month I want to include in the best memories.

I have been spending so much time making sure everyone else is OK that I’ve neglected myself. The last month and a half I knew I was slipping back into that hole I spent so much time dragging myself out of earlier this year. I have known I needed to step up, stop the process, and do something about it before I was consumed with that darkness.

Some days I would find myself in a daze, wondering where the hours went, looking back in search of the time that had escaped. At times, I felt as if I was in a dream, unable to speak or comprehend what was happening around me. Wathcing in slow motion as my days disappeared without much recollection.

My mind couldn’t focus on anything because it was too crowded with “stuff.”

Worry. Guilt. Sorrow. Pain. Heartache. Confusion.

The judging, the thinking, the feeligs just go on and on.

I have been thinking…get a real job (but who even wants to hire me), find a new hobby (but what this time), come up with something to do that makes me happy (but what is happy).

The truth is I don’t know where to start, where to continue, or when to give it up. Read that sentence again.

Yeah, I know. It makes no sense. Imagine that inside your head?

Today, while reading my devotional, it dawned on me I’m not really ready for some things. I know I’m too fragile minded to handle some situations or tasks. Maybe it’s not my turn, and maybe that’s OK.

As I told my aunt today, I realize God really does know what he’s doing when things don’t transpire in the time you want them to happen. I’ve been at home, with my son, and that’s where I’ve needed to be. Sometimes things just happen for a reason. Sometimes they happen the way they are suppose to happen.

A part of me has this tug at my soul. As I’m navigating my way through the twists and turns of this path I’m on, I’m feeling my way through the darkness. At times, I feel the light shining down on me, and at those seconds I can see clearly. Other moments I find myself in the dark, lost, disoriented, not realizing if I’m moving forward or backwards.

I know two years ago God put me on this track. I sensed it then, and I know it now. My life took that turn for a purpose.

To do good. To make a difference. To make an impact.

I have grown inpatient trying to decipher the reasoning while attempting the navigation of my route. I know I am close, because I can feel it in my heart, yet, I cannot interpret the nebulous message.

I find myself struggling to see clearly and concentrate, like awakening from a vague dream. I sense it buried somewhere within me, one day divulging itself like a melodramatic revelation.

I can close my eyes and feel the anxiety climb from the pit in my stomach. The anticipation high, my patience scattered, and my quest near.

One deep breath after another and all in due time.

Plenty can happen on this road we’re on.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Psalm 23:2-3
Posted in Devotional, Family

All Too Real

Do you ever feel like it’s just one thing after another?

Much of the last two weeks have been a blur to me. I woke up a week ago and was dazed and confused, trying to grasp what day it was and where time had gone. I almost questioned whether the several days prior had even happened.

But, I remembered all too clearly I was not imagining anything.

It was all real.

Several moments and events from the previous five days were all too vivid in my mind. Imagining the flames that overtook my son, the smell of his burnt hair, the blisters and burns on his arms, his face, his hand, layers of his skin missing, the ambulance, the pain, the tears, and the fear buried in the back of my mind since the day his dad was diagnosed with cancer.

It was all TOO real.

When hubby got sick I had no control over it, no say. Faced with reality, heartbreak, and the realization I cannot save him, I got this feeling of panic that overwhelmed me. It’s as if my life took a plunge, and drowning in reality I was trying to grab and hold onto everything, everyone. I was clutching to my children with fear in my heart.

Fear of losing control, fear of losing them, fear of losing everything.

And, on that Wednesday afternoon, with one simple phone call, that fear was my reality. When something bad happens I know how easily my mind begins to wander and imagines the worst. This time was no different.

I was worried about that sweet face. There was concern about my other children, and how they were going to handle something else.

Every doctor said he was lucky, said he could have been on a ventilator.

In spite of that, I wanted to know, Why?

Why did this have to happen and how much more can we take?

More doctor visits, more medical bills, more stress, more anxiety, more, more, more!

I felt numb. Beaten.

There was guilt. Pain.

But, I knew the Lord was looking out for him that day. He was lucky.

Then, 14 hours after his accident, at 5 in the morning, I sat next to his bedside at the burn center in Chapel Hill, inches from his face, and watched while he endured more pain than I suffered with him coming into this world. As a mother, it was the most horrible thing to watch my child go through, and it is forever embedded in my memory.

I wanted to hold his hand, but I couldn’t. I wanted to place my hand on his shoulder, but he couldn’t tolerate my touch. So, I just closed my eyes and prayed for him that morning to withstand the pain and get through the torture.

And, he did.

In the days after, I held back my tears, only allowing myself to cry with the recovery room nurse as she listened to my sorrows. I sat in his room for six hours after surgery waiting for him to wake up. I walked around tired and drained, napping when exhaustion took over.

When we came home I was restless, plagued with sleeplessness, nightmares that forced me upright and wide awake with an uneasiness in my heart.

There is no pain in the world like a mother’s ailing heart. The helpless feeling eating at me, not wanting him out of my sight, the protectiveness I want to wrap him in forever. I could have prevented the whole mishap. Maybe.

If only we could change all the “maybes” and “what ifs.” How would life be different?

The days are getting better and so is he, but this distraction is losing its focus. If nothing else my son has preoccupied my mind from the uncertainty of the quickly approaching visit to the cancer center. A costly silver lining, but one nonetheless.

God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes it’s best we have our eyes wide shut.

Lose sight and just have faith.

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Posted in Journal

In My Darkness

Lights flicker, the world goes dark.

And, I feel like I just left the top of that slope on a gargantuan roller coaster, racing downward, gasping for air, and praying my stomach will settle back down in my belly.

WHY is life like this?

Why do we have quintessential days where we imagine we can take on anything the world throws at us, and seconds later we are falling?

It’s similar to a dream, and I have to stop and ask myself if it really happened.

At times someone is talking to me. I hear their voice. Yet, seconds later I can’t recall what they said. I sit and stare as if the world is starless.

Just a reverie?

Sometimes, I have to think about it. Sometimes it makes no sense.

I talk in my sleep, I have mysterious dreams, I remember bits and pieces, and try to put the puzzle together. I have vague impressions in my mind, and I try to decipher if they are real or made up within the night.

I know it sounds crazy. Maybe I am?

I sleep way less than I used to. Some nights I’m awake til two or three in the morning. Some mornings, I wake at five or six or seven, and I’m up. Other times I doze back off and suddenly awake out of a deep sleep and wonder how I slept so long. Ironically, that intense sleep for a couple of hours after sunrise, after others have started their day is my best rest.

Maybe it’s exhaustion. Or maybe, it’s my subconscious trying to heal.

I don’t know why, but I suspect I dream an awful lot at night. Unpleasant bits that weigh on my mind. Some of them I struggle to interpret, others I just ask myself why. The bits and pieces clutter my mind, and I stumble while trying to make out their message.

I used to believe dreams consisted of my fears, but now I wonder if in my dreams it’s my fears I’m running from.

My mind does not shut off easily. It virtually has to run out of the fuel that feeds it in order to go idle, to rest, or calm my soul.

Yesterday was such a good day, but today, yesterday seems so far away. So many thoughts of positivity and strength and hope.


Faded into the darkness, in a blink.

It’s ironic how one day can make a difference.

Change your whole outlook.

Switch off the light.

And, turn your world dark.

How did this anxiety find me?

In my darkness, the reminders are EVERYWHERE.

Posted in Self Help

Pass it on…

Is it really almost September?

I look back and think the last eight months have been pretty much a blur. Kids had an extended break from school, were back and forth from college, and at times cancer even took a back seat in my mind thanks to a much needed break from dealing with it.

So many people have said they just want this year to be over with, but I tend to not lean in that direction thinking it could be precious time I’m giving up. None of us are promised tomorrow, so what if that meant we were wishing our last days away?

I imagine that’s not something any of us are ready to think about.

I’ll be the first to admit I want life to be more like it used to be, back to normal (whatever that is), and a little less stressed and uncertain. But, like I’ve said before, cancer took all that away from our family long before this virus did.

Cancer has taught me a lot, and this virus is teaching me even more.

I’m tired of wearing a mask, tired of social distancing, tired of not being able to get out as much. However, I’m not tired of being with my family, having the kids at home more often, or focusing on being together more than being on the go. I’m sure part of me will look back on this year and find there’s much about it to love.

Time is something we cannot get back, and our kids will never be as young as they were this summer. They aren’t getting younger, and our time with them is precious.

I hope people haven’t forgotten to stop and smell the roses. Too busy arguing or debating or disagreeing about whether or not the pandemic is valid. Not enough time looking for a silver lining.

We are all dealing with something.

If you believe in fate, or everything happens for a reason, or the way it’s suppose to happen, then maybe, just maybe all this is part of a bigger picture. Maybe this is a wake up call for us to get it together.

Maybe we should just be nice or build each other up or throw out a compliment here and there and maybe, just maybe, respect other opinions even if they aren’t our own. Maybe we should be thinking of this “break” from life as something that is much needed.

I know I will never regret the extra days, extra moments, extra memories my children got to share with their dad this summer. In the back of my mind, I know it is golden.

I do realize enough is enough though.

Summer is coming to an end. Kids are attempting to get back to class.

Our mental health is at stake in many cases. More often than not life is a challenge, and it takes a conscious effort to stay positive and upbeat.

We cannot let what is happening in our society divide us or keep us down. We can’t afford that.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts.

Winston Churchill

I know depression and anxiety are mounding, people are struggling, and no one can take much more. People are grappling with this restricted way of life. They don’t get up, get dressed, put on makeup. They don’t leave the house, or get out, or have much social interaction. They’ve let themselves go.

Physically and mentally.

And, that’s not a good thing.

I made a new friend on social media last week, because I felt the need to help someone who needed some encouragement. It reminded me of the chaos my life has been in for the last two years, the times I felt I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it, and it also reminded me of how much better I am because of it. So, I decided I needed to pass that on.

It’s not an everyday thing we wake up with. Strength that is. I pray for it all the time, sometimes multiple times in a day.

Especially in a world where there is so much commotion, we have to learn to quiet the noise in our head. It is our hope. And, I don’t want anyone to lose hope.


If you’re going through hell keep going.

Winston Churchill

If you ever feel yourself losing hope, losing your positive edge, keep going. Some days hope is all we have, and we can never lose sight of it.

We are better than that.

We are strong, beautiful souls.

So I say, lift each other up. Give a compliment a day, say hello to a stranger at the grocery, smile, check on a friend. It simply takes a minute to say a kind word, to brighten someone’s day, give them a boost, to pray for them. Pass on your positivity.

And, we just may be the one person who brightens someone’s day, who makes a person realize how valuable they are, or gives a ray of hope to someone who has lost it.

Positive thoughts. Positive vibes.

They can be contagious. Pass them on.

In a couple of weeks I may be a hot mess, but today, I know I am strong and focused and in the right mindset.

Today, that’s all I need to think about.

One day at a time. Pass it on.

I know where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. And, I know where I want to go. I may not always know how to get there, but the Lord is leading me on my path, and I know I can trust the journey.

Today, it’s a good day. Pass it on…

Posted in Devotional

The New Normal

Can you define normal?

The normal most of us have been accustomed to for much of our lives is out there in limbo somewhere scuffling to survive. And, I hate to be the one to break it to everyone, but I don’t think it’s coming back anytime soon.

At times, I have tried desperately to stop the noise. The talk of the pandemic, the political strategies, the negativity, the debate on schools, the opening of the country. It is an abundance of information to process. And, most of it is negative.

It is entirely too much.

And, I don’t have the answers.

Much of the time I don’t know what the questions are.

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Galatians 3:28

I do know we are in this together, although we may not all agree on the situation, we are one.

If you have ever read about the end of times and some of what the Bible says it can be a little intimidating. Scary almost. The Antichrist, the beast, a war waged on Christians.

Before I go off in another direction, my point is simply this. We cannot flip a switch and make this go away. We cannot sit and wait for normal to return. We cannot put our lives on hold.

We cannot live under a rock, in fear, in anger, in oblivion. We must keep moving and trust in the Lord.

We are all grieving right now. We are mourning the way our lives used to be and our freedom. We have unknowingly taken so much for granted, and just presumed living would always be just the way we imagined.

The pandemic has affected most everyone’s mental health. It has been difficult on us as adults and especially as parents. We grieve for our old lives, we grieve for our children losing out on school and sports and socialization. We mourn for what we have always had and always known.

It is a difficult state to be in. Depressing.

It has created an incompetency that our mentality cannot digest.

However, our children are more resilient than we think. We need to give them credit, give them support but keep moving forward, out of this darkness, this fog that is hindering everything good within us.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

John 14:27

Everytime I think about what has been taken from me and my family I relate it to cancer.

This pandemic hasn’t caused any grieving that cancer hasn’t already caused us; however, at times, it has exemplified the pain and the alienation and the anxiety.

But, it didn’t cause it, and I’m not going to let it reside over my life.

Another example of what cancer has taught me.

I have been grieving for two years now. I have been a mental mess for most of it, and I find it is sometimes a daily struggle.


Before the pandemic hit there were times I had to social distance, stay home, sit in a hospital, and wear a mask. Being a caregiver for my hubby, a wound care nurse, giving daily shots, administering IV antibiotics, keeping up with pain meds, prescriptions, doctor’s appointments, scans, and symptoms is more than overwhelming at times.

I never thought I had the strength I have found in myself, and for that I am so thankful. It’s amazing what you can do when you don’t have a choice.

And sadly, we don’t have a choice in many situations right now, but we do have a choice in how we deal with them.

I have sat alone at night while everyone was sleeping and cried and begged and pleaded for my husband, my children to not have to go through this cancer fight. I have asked God why, I have made myself sick, and I have fought to comprehend what is happening. I have stayed in my nightgown all day, not hardly gotten off the couch, cried in the shower so no one would know, and mislead my friends and family in believing I am OK.

At times, I have lived in fear, struggled to trust in the Lord, and wondered if I had enough strength and hope to get through the day. There have been moments my children were the ONLY focus I had that could drag me out of the darkness. Having the four of them has been my saving grace.

Many of you feel the pandemic has stolen your normal, but cancer stole that from my family awhile ago.

Even on bad days, even in times I fight to stay afloat, I refuse to give in.

I cannot.

I will stay positive for my children’s sake. I will make the most of this situation. It may not be normal, and it may not be what I imagined, but it is what it is. How I handle it is what matters.

It is up to us to make the new normal our normal.

We can let it take us down like quicksand, or we can embrace the change and keep moving forward. The choice is simply ours.

My Refuge and My Fortress

1Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 2I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” 3Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. 4He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. 5You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. 7A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. 8You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. 9If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”and you make the Most High your dwelling, 10no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. 11For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; 12they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. 13You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. 14“Because he That is, probably the king loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. 15He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. 16With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

Psalm 91

Posted in Family

My 2 Pair

You were not suppose to grow up this fast.

It seems just a few years ago we took the family picture hanging above the fireplace that I sit and stare at every morning and night. I think in reality it’s going on 14. Life just happens so quickly, and I don’t understand why.

The four of you were just babies last time I checked, and now, you’re all grown up going off to college and counting down the last days of high school.

Am I really old enough to have college kids with only one left in high school? That can’t be right, can it?

I have spent most of the time I want to remember of my life being a mother. It has by far been the best job, best time, most rewarding, most difficult, and my all around favorite period of my life. I am so thankful for and proud of each one of you.

We have some great memories, and I cherish the times we sit around together and reminisce about what you all remember most in your childhoods. No matter what happens or where you go those will remain in your heart and in mine.

I have too many favorite ones to list, but I loved how the big sisters always took care of the little brothers. I love how one of you adored babies so much, how one had a baby shower when I was pregnant with number four. One of you always wore dresses and refused to wear pull-ups to bed because you were a big girl. How your baby brother got to ride in your baby doll stroller.

The boys always looked out for each other. Played sports together, had birthday parties together, shared friends, shared rooms, shared everything. Even though one of you left for college this weekend, I hope you will always look out for each other and be the best of friends.

You all are so lucky to have a brother and a sister. I couldn’t have planned it more perfect if I tried. My two pair. My twins, my triplets, and whatever else people have mistaken you to be, you have each other. I envy each of you for what you have between you. It is a bond many have never experienced.

I love to sit and listen to you all laugh together, make plans with one another. It makes me smile that you stick together. Even when you harass each other, pick on one another, it is a time in your life you will never forget.

It is the first time you all have lived in four separate cities, constantly apart, going to different schools. It’s the first time at least two of you won’t share the first day of school together. It is the first time I will have four separate first day of school pictures. (Don’t forget to take those.)

It’s the first of many firsts for me, and I feel the job of being a mom, the way I have known my purpose to be, slipping away from me. I simply want you to know, it has been the best years, even during the hard stages. I wouldn’t want to change them.

Part of me is so sad today I have moved my third child into college, but most of me is so grateful I got to raise you and be your mom. It’s not the end by any means, but simply the beginning for the next phase of our lives. I know each of you are excited for your journey, for individual reasons, and each of you will make your mark.

The only request I have is to always remember family and each other, cherish your siblings, call one another, talk, be best friends, and look out for the others.

For my three oldest children, I am so happy for you. I’m so glad I raised you to go out and be independent and chase your dreams. I am always here for you, a phone call away so don’t forget to call your mom.

For my baby boy left at home, I’m looking forward to our time together, you being the only child at home. I’m thankful I have you with me, for your hugs, and your comfort when I’m sad, and just to be here so my job is not done.

Always remember how much I love each of you and how blessed I am to be your mom. Work your hardest in school, reach for the stars, do what makes you happy, and I will be watching from the sidelines cheering you on. Make me proud.

Even though I wish I could stop time, go back to your younger years, you are where you are suppose to be and these are the moments you have waited for. I realize my job is just transforming into a less active role in your life, and I will embrace it because I have faith in you.

Remember your manners, remember your life lessons, and remember to be gracious. Go to chapel, go to church, believe in something. But most of all believe in yourself.

I love you all to the moon and back, and I cannot wait to see the places you will go.

You all have a special place in my heart. xo MOM

Posted in Devotional

Action Required

Do you ever feel like the world is crumbling around you, and you need to take action?

I swear I look around and wonder what’s happening to us. I’ve been trying to stay off social media, but last night I just blew it up. I don’t know what came over me…other than I’m sick and tired of everything.




Consumed with the chaos.

I keep telling myself to just step back away from it all. It’s better to be out of the loop.

In some cases, yes.

I don’t know what’s going on in the world half the time, and the other half I know more than I care to know. Some days I think I can’t keep up with the local news if I don’t scroll Facebook. It’s like an addiction. I know it’s bad for me, and I’m going to come away with a headache, but I get sucked in by everyone else doing it.

I hate that so much.

I’m out of my routine, and that’s a bad thing. It leaves too much space for my mind to wander. Too much free time, wasted.

I love summer with the kids, but as soon as this crazy virus hit it sent my self-discipline out the window. And, my routine with it.

This may sound crazy, but it seems to me everything is a distraction from what really matters. I cannot focus enough to write my blog, stay mentally healthy or have a normal schedule. Before this hit I felt tuned in to everything that was good and positive.

I was on track, on the right road. Healthy. Not faking it.

Now, I just feel disoriented.

Lost in the chaos and looking for some sort of order. I need structure back in my life. I’m hoping to find that in the coming weeks as the kids settle back into school, and I attempt to settle back into my own focus of staying positive and healthy.

I was thinking the other day…the devil is at work. Tearing me away, putting doubt in my mind.

I’m not proud to admit I falter in my faith. I have good intentions, but I seem to stumble lately. I stumble a lot. I search for my sanity…getting back on track, and then it’s like I hit a road block and every intention flies out the window.

I’m flustered, but I’m also determined to get my mind right. After all, half the battle is our mindset.


Today, it’s the beginning of a new day.

Some action is required!

Just as Peter used his fear to put his faith in God, we too, should remember to use each opportunity as a stepping stone to become closer to Him. We just have to make a conscious effort to do it and trust in the Lord.

28 And Peter answered him, ‘Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.’ 29 He said, ‘Come.’ So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, ‘Lord, save me.’ 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, ‘O you of little faith, why did you doubt?’ 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, ‘Truly you are the Son of God’.” 

Matthew 14:28-33

We cannot lose hope. Ever.

Everything in my life revolves around my family, my children, and hubby’s cancer. It’s sad in a sense of what drives me, but on the other hand it gives me the opportunity to strengthen my faith that God’s plan is already laid out, and He will take action to lead us on our journey. When I remind myself of that, I do what I’m suppose to do.

Trust rather than worry.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Matthew 6:34

Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but in the end I believe in my soul there is a reasoning for it all. All the time I spend worrying about situations I cannot control takes away from living my life to the fullest. I cannot cure the virus or calm the fears, nor can I stop the cancer.

Faith calms my heart in times of anxiousness and fear and eases my mind. It provides the peace I need, the strength to get through the tough days, and the hope I cannot live without.

It is simply our action to believe that’s required. And, in a world where we are living with only the essentials, faith is a prerequisite. xo

Posted in Self Help

Stop the Noise

Stressful days seem to be a dime a dozen these days, don’t they?

I slipped away from my family tonight to take a short walk, talk to my daughter on the phone, and hit reset in my mind. It’s just one of those days where life is hitting below the belt and weighing on my mind.

There’s nothing new, it’s just I need some idle time.

Some days I can’t explain why I’m feeling more anxious or overwhelmed or stressed. I just am not myself. There are moments I can’t remember what “my old self” is even like. I don’t think I can find my way back there, and if I did I think I wouldn’t be surprised to find the old me doesn’t exist.

There are times I feel like my mind is in a traffic jam, horns and noise all around me, and I cannot figure out where to go. I’m not lost, I just don’t know where I am. And, I’m struggling to find my course.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep I’ve been getting. The traveling. Maybe it’s the sleepless nights that plagued me over the last few weeks. Maybe it’s just the pandemonium among us.

It’s possibly the thought in the back of my mind that I know of three people who have died in the last six weeks of cancer. That alone is hitting close to home, and it’s hitting me hard.

Perhaps it’s hearing everyone talk about their future plans, and me pushing those thoughts to the back of my mind.

Last night, I read something that really got my mind reeling. Something that has been on my subconscious, but didn’t really settle in until I saw it written out.

I immediately had a response regarding the commotion that surrounds me.

I’m tired of all the noise.

I’m tired of hearing all the static. All the whining. All the self pity. All the dead end debates.

I’m tired of it.

Tired of all the racket.

Tired of the negativity. Tired of the complaining.

I’m tired. Tired of it all.

Tired of social media. Tired of people. Tired of opinions. Tired of quarantine debates.

Tired of it all.

Actually, I’m sick of it.

Sick of people. Sick of opinions of what I should and should not do. Sick of the school debate. Sick of hearing about unjust.

I’m tired of online or in person. I’m tired of mask or no mask.

I’m tired of the debates. The this vs. that.

I’m tired people.

I’m sick and tired!

I don’t mean to offend anyone. I don’t mean to hurt feelings. Really, I don’t.

I just cannot take one more minute of it.

We are all struggling to some degree.

And, I don’t want to hear the noise. I don’t want to listen to it.

I imagine no one else does either.

So, if you’re causing any noise?

STOP! Please, just stop.

Stop the noise.

Posted in Self Help

Disconnect to Connect

Know what it means to Disconnect to Connect?

I read that yesterday at the end of a mentally tough day, and it dawned on me I knew exactly what it meant. Well, what I think it means for me.

In a world where so many people are struggling I feel the urge to pick up and run.

Just. Run.

Not away or any place in particular. Just run. The only stumbling block would be getting away from my own mind.

I can close my eyes and see myself. There’s nothing in front of me. Nothing within my peripheral vision.

In the rear, I sense there is something hoovering over me. All around me is a lightly wooded area headed into nowhere. It’s cloudy and gray, surrounded by nature. There’s simply nothing in sight.

What does all that mean?

I really have no sense of curiosity because in my muddled sanity I know it’s nothing good. I want to say there’s a sense of hopelessness, but I don’t dare think that way.

There is always HOPE. I won’t forget that even on my darkest days. Survival depends on HOPE.


Another person lost a loved one to cancer, another person cried for help, and so many I know are mourning a life we lost months ago, within a matter of days. In a split second it seems our mere existence flashed in front of us, and we are living in a divergent world.

Life can be such a desolate spot at times, but I remind myself life is harsh. We need to remind ourselves of that daily, especially in these times. Everyone around us is struggling.

Everywhere there is a sense of unknown.

We spend our entire childhood wanting to grow up, thinking at that point we can do what we want, we will be happy, and life will go along perfectly as planned.

We start to live as if life owes us. We have such unrealistic expectations of what living is, what defines success, what brings us happiness, and what our whole existence is made up of that we cannot decipher what’s real and what’s not.

Or maybe it’s not until we have all those things and realize somethig is still missing.

Maybe we just don’t know how to measure life?

Or maybe we all need to Disconnect from what we expect life to be and Connect to what life actually is.

It’s hard.

An uphill battle.

Full of hardships, tears, tragedy, and heartache. Overflowing with challenges, hard choices, and disappointment. If we stop having such high expectations and focusing on “things,” it’s possible we could actually appreciate the little treasures life has to offer.

They are there. We just have to look for them and stop imagining a life filled with fireworks and bliss.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Appreciate moments, not things, because you can never go back in time.

I have caught myself a few times this week wishing I could go back. Go back to the way life used to be, when it seemed much simpler, my children were small, and we laughed more than we cried. Living in the past is a hard way to live though, and it hinders our ability to grow and learn and adapt.

Sometimes we just have to disconnect from the idea of what we thought our lives should look like, and connect to the reality of what it really is. It’s not the end of the world, it’s just a bend in the road. Adjust, and keep moving forward.

Posted in Self Help


Do you ever find yourself not being able to keep up with time?

I feel like I am always wishing the days away or begging them to slow down. It’s never easy enough to simply enjoy the moment because the moments constantly have me holding my breath or fretting over what’s to come.

Speed up.

Slow down.

It’s from one extreme to the next.

And, it’s always one or the other, but never just in between.

There’s a part of me who always wants both.

With cancer, test after test and treatment after treatment, days are spent living in between what’s next. Part of me wants this break from treatment to be over because I’m worried about progression, but another part of me wants it to never end.

Can’t we just live like this forever, never having to deal with the “WHAT IFs?”

It’s a nice thought, and one that serenades my mind all the time. What if we could just stop cancer in its tracks by forgetting about it? We just live in the moment without a second thought of ever having to deal with it again.

No more treatments, no more scans, no more cancer.

If only it worked that way. If only we could get rid of the agony of time.

Hurry up and wait. That’s what life is like much of the time. But, most of the time I just want to know.

I want to know what’s going on. What to prepare for next. What are the next steps. The next plan of attack. I just want to know.

Being in the dark is a scary thing. I know God sheds light on my darkness, but sometimes no knowing is worse than knowing.

Not knowing is an agonizing chore. The anxiety builds, the mind spirals out of control, and there’s not a clear, rational thought in sight.

It’s confusing to the point I don’t know which is worse.

I think of my children, and I want time to slow down. Then, the wait doesn’t seem so bad.

Be careful wishing for time to pass quickly. It will pass quickly on its own, and we will wake up one day and wonder where we are.

Kind of like I did with this week. I’ve been thinking…I have all month with the kids, and now I look around and think it’s half over, already.

And I wonder, where did the time go? Wasn’t it just Monday?

They will all be back to college soon, and then we are one away from being empty nesters. And, what will I do then?

More time to think about time?

I think time is simply an illusion that consumes us, yet, it takes so much from us. Our thoughts, our actions, our mind. Is it even real?

But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.”

2 Peter 3:8

Every second goes by, every minute, hour, day, night.

Gone forever. Never seen or heard. Just there in our head, but nonexistent.

In my mind I know time is simply how we measure a week, a month, a year. The truth is we never really know how much “time” we have on Earth. I tell myself “one day at a time,” but that is much harder to live than to say.

The reality is living any other way than a day at a time is simply a “waste of time.” What if we lived our last day worrying about a tomorrow that never came?

yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”

Posted in Self Help

Out of Touch

Can we be honest?

I’m not going to lie! Lately, I’ve been a little out of touch because I have been wrestling with staying upbeat. I mean I’ve been super busy with family and kids and life, but who can’t say that?

Hubby mentioned the other day he hadn’t seen a blog post in awhile. Yeah, it’s true. I have been off the grid a little more than normal, but actually, I kind of like it. It’s hard to be social and happy while grappling with the weights on your shoulders.

Not that cancer isn’t enough of a nasty curve ball, but this crazy pandemic, a country divided, all the hate and evil amongst us.

What happened to us?

What happened to the free and the brave?

What happened to our America the Beautiful?

It’s shameful the only unity we have is we take life for granted. Think about that for a minute.

Well, unless of course you’re dying or terminally ill.

Do you realize ALL the people who are dying of cancer?

I bet those people don’t abuse the life they were given, wasting it away on fighting with their neighbors.

Life is much easier in a bubble.

I’ve never thought of myself as socially shy. I don’t have a problem talking to people, but I do have a problem pretending. And, I do get social anxiety. It takes a lot of effort to put on a smile and pretend I am mentally strong. It takes energy to make everyone believe I am OK when I’m not.

I AM mentally strong. Some days I just don’t want to be.

Living with cancer in your household is emotional. It’s a roller coaster, ups and downs, twists and turns. Even when it’s not front and center, it’s there lurking. Just a thought away, a reminder somewhere you turn.

You live with it, without a choice.




I am learning to manuever that obstacle. For myself, to support my children, my hubby. I’ve learned if I don’t take care of ME, there won’t be enough to go around.

Family is priority so I hope no one takes it personally when I decline an invite, or seem disengaged, or silent. Sometimes our schedule doesn’t allow for socializing, and other times we would love to hang out. And sometimes, we just aren’t up for company.

It has been a hard few months. Cancer just took one dear soul from us. I know people who recently got diagnosed. I know lots of people who are fighting. And, it all hits too close to home.

There’s a daughter taking a last minute trip to see her dad who is fighting for his life. There’s a mother counting down the debilitating chemo treatments she takes her terminally ill son to every couple of weeks. There’s a wife in the cancer center who is puzzled about how her husband got mesothelioma but was never exposed to the contaminants. There’s the husband grieving for his wife, the children who lost their mother, the women who lost their best friend.

None of them have a choice.

I look at my children, my husband and then in the mirror at myself.

It’s difficult to cope some days, and I can sense the world wanting to crumble around me. All the suffering and pain just floods my head to the point I feel like I’m drowning in it. My head hurts. I’m tired. No energy. No will to do anything.

Some days it’s too much. But, that’s not every day. I’m not going to set up camp there.

Some days are good. Some days I’m motivated and have the drive to conquer the world.

Some people tell me not to focus on all those situations or not to be a part of those cancer groups because it just makes me upset. What they don’t realize is what else it does to me.

It helps me NOT feel so alone.

Summer has been good for me in the sense I can just focus on my family and stay out of any kind of scene. It’s a good distraction to be able to listen to the ocean, sit out and soak up the sun, hang out with my family. It’s been good to make the most out of a bad time in our country by us all just being together.

Some days I’m happy to not share anything or feel vulnerable. I don’t mind sharing when I have my head on straight and the energy to help others; however, when a battle is going on inside my head, it’s hard to help myself much less anyone else.

Sometimes it’s just easier to cope when you stay out of touch.

“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”

Matthew 7:13-14
Posted in Cancer

JULY – Sarcoma Awareness Month

Do you know what sarcoma is?

When hubby was first diagnosed with cancer it was sort of a shock to hear the long technical name for what he had.

I was like what? What is that?

Then, the doctor began to explain sarcoma is a soft tissue cancer. It was hard for me to wrap my brain around it. My mind was trying to process what I was being told, but I couldn’t quite grasp that the cancer was in his soft tissue, not in his lungs, or liver, or pancreas or something of that sort.

Soft tissue? In my mind, I was thinking, that’s everywhere!

And, literally it can be.

Sarcoma tends to be found in the extremities, but it can be found anywhere in your body. It can be hidden in your abdomen, growing to watermelon size and go unnoticed. It can be in your bones, your blood vessels, your fat cells or any soft tissue.

And, it can literally be anywhere!

For me, the thought of that is a little mind-blowing.

Sarcoma doesn’t discriminate. Not against anyone or in any place.

Young children, teenagers, and elderly people can get it.

And, when they do most of them are in a fight for their life. I am not saying there aren’t survivors of this savage beast, but I feel most would agree it is a war.

There are many factors that contribute to prognosis and another hurdle lies in the fact there are so many subtypes of this disease. Subtype, location of the tumor, and whether the cancer has spread to distant places are all factored in when it comes to treatment and the plan of attack. And, sarcoma isn’t like other carcinoma cancers in the sense that it doesn’t usually respond well to traditional treatments such as chemotherapy.

For me, hubby’s cancer diagnosis was the scariest thing I’ve ever faced. It was like my life flashed in front of me, over and over, without a pause. On one hand I couldn’t believe it was real, couldn’t decipher my feelings, or think about it without stress, worry, tears.

Two years later, I have learned to lean on HOPE, trust that I am on the path I am supposed to be on, and accept some things that I don’t want to admit are reality. I am not going to lie and say it gets easier, that I don’t struggle sometimes daily, or my mind doesn’t wander to that question of Why?

I am not going to say I don’t worry, or stress, or wonder about the future. And, for anyone who believes that’s 100 percent achievable, well, I will let you get back to me about that. If I could shut my mind off, I would. If things could be different, they would be.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. Neither does cancer. It plays by its own set of rules. It may have ahold on hubby’s body, but it doesn’t have a hold on our minds. Unless, we let it.

For me, family, laughter, the ocean, and enjoying the simple things money can’t buy are about as good as it gets. Doing for my family and myself is priority. And, I’ve realized there’s not a lot of precious time for much else, especially when time may not be on your side. xo

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

To learn more about sarcoma cancer, research, or to donate click on the links below:

Posted in Cancer, Family

What Cancer Has Taught Me…

Do you ever feel like you’re going in a million directions?

People used to say they didn’t know how I managed four young children. HA! I find that humorous nowadays.

Four teenaged/almost adult kids, now, that’s a challenge.

Unlike toddlers, their minds are developed. They’ve been exposed to the outside world. They have opinions and real attitudes. They eat more. They are young adults. They still need their mom, but they won’t always admit it.

And, we thought a toddler tantrum had convictions. (Insert laughing/crying emoji.)

Honestly, I love having them all home for the summer. I know those days are far and few between.

June 2018


Some days I feel like I CANNOT get anything accomplished. My routine is out the window. Earlier this week, I spent the better part of the day helping everyone else. I cooked breakfast, I cleaned, I helped with some summer homework, I cooked dinner, and did a multitude of other things, mostly for everyone else. That pretty much took up the rest of the day according to my vague memory .

My weeks have been busy, but like today I cannot figure out what they have been consumed with. Many of my waking hours I feel like I am going through the motions.

And, not consistently in the most productive way.

I think I need a job, but honestly I wonder if it really is what I need. It’s not like I’ve been lying around on the couch all day eating bonbons or sunning on the beach.

I haven’t had an alone minute in I don’t know when.

Until today.

And, I’m behind.

On everything!

But, I’ve found myself fumbling to figure out what it is that needs to be done, first.

I realized a long time ago I thrive in chaos. That’s the reason I consistently volunteered for more than I should have, never learned how to say NO, and most likely why I had four children.

I like to be busy. Too busy!

But, CANCER has taught me a thing or two about all that.

When hubby got sick two years ago all my volunteering halted. I stopped all of it, immediately.

Part of me still wanted to do it, but most of me didn’t.

I wanted to do it for the kids involved, I wanted to do it to help my friends, but I didn’t want to do it for myself anymore.

For once I just wanted to do what I wanted to do, and was best for me.

If cancer has taught me anything it’s that life is too short. It’s too short to worry about all the petty things. It has taught me you can have everything you think you want and still not be happy. It has taught me who my real friends are, and to tighten my circle.

Cancer has taught me to never lose hope, believe in something, and ALWAYS just trust in the Lord because that’s all I really can do.

Cancer has taught me life is hard, an uphill battle, so get used to it. It has taught me to find JOY in every situation and look for the silver lining. It has taught me FAMILY is EVERYTHING, and we always stick together, no matter what.

Cancer has made me realize what’s important and what and who doesn’t matter at all. It has taught me who I can rely on and who I cannot. It has taught me what other people think, say or do doesn’t really matter to me. It has taught me I don’t need anyone’s approval or opinion. It has taught me some people don’t have a place in my world, and I’m OK with that. I’m sorry!

Cancer has taught me so much, but most importantly, cancer has made me realize how thankful I am for my children. I know the Lord knew what he was doing when He gave me four healthy babies.

I will protect them, fight for them, and support them. Always!

Against anything and anyone!

They may not always be perfect, but I love them.

And, they are mine. xo

“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.’”

Proverbs 31:28-29
Posted in Cancer

A Time to Mourn

The life of being married to a cancer patient has taken me down a path that has humbled me, exemplified my faith, strengthened me in more ways than I knew existed, and introduced me to people I would never have known otherwise.

Being a regular at the cancer center has acquainted me with the same familiar faces week after week, month after month. I have had some people touch my life who are gone now, but not forgotten. I have made friends I stay in touch with and wondered about others I never see. This illness has impacted my life in more ways than I can explain, but also, it has taught me there is more to life than what’s on the surface.

Much more.

I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone, but knowing the people who are facing the same difficult obstacles brings a sort of comfort to the situation. It makes me realize none of us are fighting alone. We are all cheering each other on, and we are in this together.

When another cancer patient has a setback, we all experience the punch. We can relate. We feel it in the gut. It hurts.

We are rooting for the same results. Clear margins, remission, NED, a miracle. We are supporting each other, begging for success, hoping for clear scans, praying for a cure.

And sometimes, we don’t get it. Sometimes we lose, and all that’s left is grief.

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;”

Ecclesiastes 3:4

Grief is a funny thing. In all the sadness we look for sunshine. We search for the good and the happy and all the ways possible to figure out how to make our hearts not ache.

There are moments we feel we cannot breathe, or muster up enough strength to push forward. The minutes become hours and the hours run together with the days into a blur, living in the midst of a broken heart. There’s no glue that can fix that, or so we think.

Sometimes it is hard to see what is right in front of us. The people surrounding us that love us, grieve with us. Our precious children, our friends, our family. They all weep with us and for us when we lose someone we love.

It is hard to recognize in that instant we have moments and memories to fill the void. Sometimes we just need a minute to process it all, to mourn, to find peace, to be sad. Just for awhile we need to grieve for what we have lost.

I believe in all my heart grief has a silver lining. In my mind, in the very center of it there is a bright light. I imagine it to be the brightest light ever, one that isn’t blinding, that brings a sense of comfort and peace. One that warms my heart, brings a smile to my face, one that offers contentment and eases my mind, calms my heart and soul.

I imagine serenity will come in time. The sorrow will subside. The heart will slowly mend.

I pray for us all that the silver lining will always reveal itself and that in the midst of our grief the Lord will soothe our souls and give us the strength we need to go on. Today, I pray for all those who mourn. xo

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Matthew 5:4

Heaven gained a beautiful soul, an Angel today. It hits too close to home, but I was lucky to know her, to call her a fellow baseball mom, a friend, a great supporter. She undoubtedly gave me a comfort I never revealed to her, a courage, a sense of strength, and a feeling that I was never alone. I hated what she must be going through as a mother, a wife, a cancer patient, but from my perspective she was the epitome of strength, grace, and beauty. She comforted my soul, made my loneliness subside, and soothed my broken heart in some unexplainable way. Her and her family are like a mirror of mine, facing many of the same hurdles and pain on our individual paths. Many days I thought of her, prayed for her, and imagined we must each be able to relate to the other’s spouse during our separate journeys. Today, I pray for her family, her friends and all those who knew her. May she rest in peace. #sarahstrong #ocockstrong

Posted in Cancer


Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Hebrews 11:1

What’s there to say?

Everyone dreads the word when they hear it. We all want to think positive thoughts, believe we can beat it, hope we will be the one to defeat the odds. But in the end is that possible?

Really, what’s there to say?

My heart is broken. It breaks a little bit more every time I hear about someone I know having cancer, sickened with cancer, their body weakening or suffering from this horrible disease that seems to run rampant throughout our lives.

Every time I hear of another prey, another sad story, another loss it hits closer to home. It eats away at me a little bit more.

Will it ever stop?

Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Matthew 17:20

Many don’t realize cancer sets the stage. The effects of this monster wreak havoc on its victims, their families, and everyone around them. It creates complication after complication until a healthy figure is battered and wounded. Not only do they have to fight the cancer, but every complication that comes with it. Every new hurdle it creates.

Hurdle after hurdle. We fight one after another, with no end in sight.

At some point in this battle, I’m not exactly sure when, I realized this is the new way of life. It is a fight from here on out, one that we will battle no matter how tired we get. It’s like I hold my breath until the next scan, the next treatment, the next round. And, with every step there comes a new revelation.

It’s an emotional life to live.

Last night, I changed the bandage I change every night, tears filling my eyes as I know the healing is a distant reality if at all. My tears are for all..all those who suffer, all those I can relate to, and for my husband, our family.

Once cancer attacks you or your spouse or your child it is like it’s inside you. You are living with it, it’s in your house, and it is a constant reminder. It consumes every minute of your day, every thought. It steals your peace, tugs at your sanity, plays with your emotions. It hides, it attacks, it doesn’t play fair, and it has no empathy.

Cancer, you’re always on my mind. You exhaust me, drain me at times. You attempt to steal my joy, rob me of sleep, and fill me with worry. You are the devil on my back.

Maybe there is no escape, but I will not lose my faith. I will fight you until the end.

Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.”

Psalms 103:2-4 

I pray for strength and healing and miracles. I pray for God to spare us from this battle. I pray for the others I know who are on this path. I pray for their families and for their souls. I pray for my husband, and I pray for my children. Many nights I fall asleep in the middle of my prayers, but I will still pray.

I will pray to the very end. And then, I will pray some more. xo

Posted in Devotional, Self Help


Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

Mark 11:24

Do you ever just feel uneasy and can’t put your finger on why?

Lately, I have felt out of sorts in a way, but I can’t figure out the exact culprit. Maybe it’s a combination of things or maybe I’m just tired and overwhelmed.

When in my life have I not felt overwhelmed? It is hard to remember.

It seems to be a recurring role that I can’t rid myself of for one reason or another. I just keep hitting snags, unable to settle back into a rhythm.

Last year at this time, I would say I was in somewhat of a downward spiral. Not one of my finest moments in life, but sadly I was in a very critical place mentally and emotionally. I was a mess to say the least, and for the next few months I continued to descend.

It felt something like when you get to the top of that climb on a monster rollercoaster and feel as if you are going to stall that second before you are full speed ahead in a downhill fall. Gravity is tugging at you so hard you can’t pull yourself up or breathe.

The sad reality of it all is no one noticed.

No one.

Not my friends, not my family, not even the real me. Not until one night, when my hubby was smacked with a sudden truth about the trouble I was in.

I took myself to the doctor, multiple times, and I prayed for strength, multiple times. And, every day, every week, every month I was slowly able to pull myself back together.

I started my blog shortly after that, started taking better care of myself physically and mentally, eating healthier, exercising more, doing things I enjoy. I was in a very good place…and then the virus hit.

It has taken an extra mental effort to get through the last few months, but I am well aware of the struggle. I feel like the social distancing and other precautions were already starting to take place in our lives last year when chemo began. With the virus it was all of a sudden not a choice of when we should distance ourselves, but rather a constant of just having to do it.

Tonight, I was talking to a friend from the past who has been struggling with her own personal hardships for about the same two years as me. Different situations for us, but ironically some of the same harsh effects. Hers was sudden, where my situation is ever evolving.

I realized many of us are going through a variety of troubled waters these days resulting from different situations, but we are suffering from the same emotional and mental difficulties.

We all feel helpless. We all struggle. We all are heartbroken. And, we all have to find the strength to keep moving forward.

In these times, we cannot allow ourselves to slip backwards, to fall, or allow ourselves to suffer mentally. We just cannot.

And, I won’t. I have the strength, and I have the Lord to help me. I know that.

Pray for each other. Build each other up. Show support. And, most of all take notice when you know something just doesn’t seem right with those around you. Don’t ignore what’s staring you in the face.

We all have the opportunity to help someone, each other. And, sometimes we may be helping someone without even realizing it.

Like I always say…if you can help someone, then help them. The reward is far better than paradise.

And remember, if we all pray for each other, someone will always be praying for us. xo

Posted in Devotional, Family

“In Sickness”

When you said your wedding vows did you ever really think about the promises you were making to someone?

All these milestone anniversary celebrations I’ve been seeing on social media, along with hubby being ill and in the hospital, has me thinking about life and the responsibilities we take on.

Like me, many of you were probably young when you got married and 20 plus years later find yourselves quite a bit different than you were back then. I think we all change, mature, focus on different aspects of life, figure out what matters and what simply does not.

…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…”

Most of us said those “for better or for worse” vows and not once gave it a second thought. We never imagined that we would be anything other than happy, blissfully in love, and old and gray enjoying our grandchildren well into our 80s or even 90s. It never crossed our minds that we would go through bad times, hard times, worse times, or that one of us would have failing health and sickness.

I know on my beautiful wedding day, almost 28 years ago, the thought of dealing with “for worse” or “in sickness” didn’t enter my mind. I was marrying someone I loved, and we would live “happily ever after.” First, we would buy a house, then have kids, and it would be a perfect little life forever and ever.

That’s what I wanted to believe because every girl wants the fairy tale. Right?

But, in reality I had tucked any of those “for worse” thoughts way in the back of my mind, buried as fear that I hoped would never be truth. Problems wouldn’t plague us, we would always love each other the exact same, nothing would change, and we would stay in that fairy tale forever.

So I hoped.

Isn’t that just being young and naïve?

The thing is we really don’t know what we are in for when we take those vows. We cannot see what path life will take us down, nor the complications we will encounter. The choices we make, the chances we take, and the laws we live by will all have some sort of impact on us and our relationships.

But, when we are standing at the altar, staring in the eyes of the one we are about to say “I do” with, none of that stands in our way. We think we are prepared “for better, for worse, in sickness and in health.”

But, I promise no one is ever prepared for that. Not really.

We cherish the happy times and believe the better will outweigh the worse, but in reality life is hard and “for worse” is inevitable at some point. They say all’s well that ends well, but that’s not always the case either. We just have to believe God has a plan for us, and trust our life happens the way He intends it.

Just as everyday life seems to have no normalcy for society these days, my life has been on that course for awhile. I have been learning to live in the path God has designed for us and my “for better or for worse” vows are something I remind myself of often.

We all are guilty at some point or another thinking we have it so bad, until we really do. But, the truth of the matter is someone out there always has it worse. On some days, I feel I am the friend who has it worse, but in reality I know that belongs to someone else.

In spite of all the sickness, the pain, the heartbreak, the tears, the worry, the inevitable….In spite of all of that, I am blessed and grateful for my own health, my children, my family, my memories and all the “for betters” I have in my life. There are so many happy memories, so many good times, so many blessings, so, so many. And, I am grateful for each of them.

When you are feeling down, think about your own “for betters,” your health, your riches, your love, and everything you cherish. They far outweigh anything you can imagine. Don’t lose sight of them, don’t take them for granted.

You made those promises, but you were never promised which ones life would give back. xoxo

Posted in Cancer, Devotional


Do you ever feel helpless?

I find myself feeling helpless often these days. The unknowns, the whys, the hurdles. All of it just keeps mounding.

With every page we turn, we encounter another issue. Every phase presents us with another obstacle.

I guess I always believe if we can get through one hindrance the situation will get better. In reality, each barrier just introduces an unfamiliar stumbling block, and we start over in a different direction.

The sadness to all the realities we face is one day the barrier will deal us an impediment we can’t get around, and we will run out of new directions.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.”

Psalm 34:18-19

I know all my prayer warrior friends are disappointed in my weakness, but life got a little more real for us this week and sometimes the thought of that is just too much. Those serious heart to hearts on the two-hour drive home from the Cancer Center prove to leave me with a lump in my throat, an ache in the bottom of my stomach and an ocean of uncried tears.

I’m sorry, but if you haven’t walked in my shoes please don’t judge me. Don’t tell me how to feel, or tell me to pray harder or give me that wise piece of advice. Just for a selfish minute let me wallow in my own self pity.

Let me feel bad for myself. Let me be negative. Let me question God. Just for a minute let me be.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

Hebrews 4:16

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.”

Philippians 2:12-13

Posted in Cancer, Self Help

Hurry Up and Wait

Jan 16, 2020, morning

I sit here tonight in solitude. The house is so quiet as if sound has escaped existence. It is a peaceful quiet at first, but I have a feeling of restlessness inside. The noiseless night makes me uneasy and allows the darkness to creep up into my thoughts. Scanxiety has set in as scans are only a week away.

Is my uneasy mind justifiable or just nerves shaking my sanity?

I close my eyes and breathe in deeply in hopes of exhaling all the negative emotion. Only one week to get through this leg of the journey before we set out on another unknown. I sense my peace…out there lurking in the shadows desperately searching for my soul. Somehow it will find it’s way to me. 

 Jan 16, 2020, evening

Today, was somehow a somber day. I could feel hubby’s uneasy mind in the room. He sat there and stared off into the morning, and I watched and wondered what thoughts filled his mind. One week until we discover the next journey. Some days I wonder what thoughts consume him. I worry he will tire of the fight and simply take the hand he is dealt without a thought to trade the cards. It wears on my mind, this journey. Giving up only means you’ve extinguished your options, or they’ve annihilated you. I pray for strength and positivity. This has to be just a wind in the road, doesn’t it?

As I look back on my journal entries, nearly four months ago, I realize I am in the midst of another wind in the road. This long road is taking me on a journey I don’t know how to navigate, yet I am here staying within the lines, doing the best I know how.

Familiar scenes surround me, yet they are still foreign to me. I will never get used to the unwelcoming landscape, no matter how hard it tries to consume me.

I sit and wonder why I am where I am. What is the purpose God has for me on this path?

Some days I can ease my own mind knowing it is my fated trek, but on other days like today I am anxious to know the why. I know we are supposed to trust the Lord to lead us, but I can’t help my soul is restless.

At times, it is hard to live and go through life not knowing what the purpose of it all is and the reasoning behind it. Maybe I am heading down a dead end with all my inquisitiveness, but sometimes my subconscious can’t let it go.

I know my journey has a purpose unknown to me, and someday it will reveal itself just like a clear day.

Until then, I must wait patiently and trust God will see me through.

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Isaiah 41:10
Posted in Family

Happy Mother’s Day, With Love

13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:13

I have loved being a mother since the day I set eyes on my baby girl 22 years ago. Yes, it is hard to believe I myself have been a mother 22 years, and the fact I am old enough to have children even older than that is astounding to me. Nonetheless, I am.

Having four children has, hands down, given me the biggest accomplishments, while at the same time giving me the most difficult job, the most heart warming moments, the most joy, the most anxiety, the most heart break, the most laughs and the most tears.

Motherhood has offered the best times of my life, as well as some not so easy times. It has been a journey filled with love, learning, self awareness, acceptance, defeat, sadness, joy, maturity, realizations and lessons.

I would like to be able to say being a mother has been pure bliss, a happy, joyful journey with the best days of my life and nothing less. If I am truthful being a mother HAS been all of that, along with some heart breaking, some painful, and some difficult days as well.

For me, motherhood is without a doubt the best part of my life, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I am so blessed to have four wonderful children who have made my family complete.

I would not trade any part of the journey, good or bad. The joy far outweighs the bumps in the road, and I will love them all the same until the day I die.

None of us are perfect, and we don’t live in a perfect world. Life is not always kind, but that adversity teaches us it is up to humanity to make it better and resist all the bad around us. As mothers we hate to see our children suffer, but it is our job to guide them on how to navigate the path even when it’s a difficult road.

I have always taught my children to be kind to others, don’t judge a book by its cover, or treat others harshly just because your peers may. We never know how people are living and it doesn’t hurt to just be nice to everyone. And, if people don’t bring happiness to your life than distance yourself from them.

I was so proud the other day when my youngest son, who I know has heard me tell my older children exactly that a million times said he just distances himself from people who bother him. It’s the little moments like those that make me feel worthy, like I’m not treading water, and they are actually listening.

I constantly tell my older children, “You don’t have to always do what I say, but you do have to listen to what I have to say.” I call that respect. And, if my own mother (and father) taught me anything, it is to respect your elders.

Many times I feel like the way I grew up and the way my parents were raised is obsolete in today’s society. Call it old fashioned or whatever you like, but I call it essential. As someone once said, if your children don’t learn to respect their parents growing up, they will never respect anyone. There is so much truth in that statement, and I have tried to raise my kids around that exact theory.

If nothing else, no matter where life takes them, I hope they will remember and live by those standards. I am hopeful they will invariably know how much I love them, even though at times they don’t agree with what I think or have to say. I pray they will remember what I have taught them and forever love and respect me.

6 Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

Proverbs 22:6

This is the first Mother’s Day in awhile I will have all my children together, in one house. I am so thankful and excited to spend it with them.

These days I relish every moment we spend as a family celebrating holidays and special ocassions. I don’t take any moments for granted like I have in the past, that things will always be the way they are.

At times, I have forgotten how precious this life is and how quickly it can all change. I worry about my children just as much now that they are becoming young adults (if not more) as I did when they were little. It seems as they grow the worries become bigger and life gets harder for all of us.

I regret I can’t share this Mother’s Day with my own mother, who taught me how to be a wonderful cook among other things, and my aunt who is like a second mother. Both of them have shaped my life and taught me so many different qualities that established the woman I am today. I am so thankful for both of them, and I know they understand how your heart can be heavy when you worry about the burdens your adult children face.

Regardless, of where they may be, they are in my heart forever.

I wish all the mothers out there a wonderful, special day. And, especially for those mothers who are fighting cancer along side their child right now…you have extra love and prayers for many more celebrations with them. xo

13As one whom his mother comforts, So I will comfort you; And you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.”

Isaiah 66:13

Posted in Devotional, Family


Are you thankful for the time you have with your family or do you take it for granted?

Sometimes it’s hard to see what’s right in front of us. We get so busy focusing on what makes us unhappy we abandon all the good staring us in the face.

It has been a demanding 96 hours. Each day I have hoped for sunshine, but there is forever a storm lurking. That black cloud constantly seems to be chasing me, and I always seem to be running.

It’s an arduous journey with me continuously looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But sadly, that is the way of my life.

Today, I had a long chat with a dear friend, who I can always trust to be honest with me, spare me the sugar-coating and admit the hard truth to me. I appreciate her, the knowledge she has of my situation, the compassion she expresses and even the words she needs to say despite they are hard for me to hear at times.

I value our friendship because I realize, no matter what, I can depend on her to be real with me. The medical advice and knowledge she shares, the personal trauma she has experienced and how she can relate to what my children are going through. Everything I get from her comes in the form of a blessing.

She is sort of a soul sister to me, one I feel a connection with that I cannot explain. She gets me, and sometimes shares her thoughts and feelings that are already entertaining my mind.

And, on the days I feel like constantly crying, her honesty, her genuine heart is just what I need to make me feel better and acknowledge I have so much to be thankful for.

Today, it was no different.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

She gave up some of her precious family time this afternoon to console me. That’s a true friend. And, she made me realize, portions of my storm are blessings I will one day look back on and appreciate.

We are in the midst of the country being shut down, social distancing with limited interaction between people and staying home to avoid exposure.

On top of all that is the chemo treatments, the complications, the fevers, the fear of going to the hospital, the traveling, the worrying, the stress, the sick puppy, having to put my child on a plane…this week has been emotional and stressful and too much at times.

It’s a challenge, and I’m feeling weak even though I force a cheery smile. But, I’ve been thinking about it, and in the back of my mind and with a sweet reminder, I know this is a blessing in disguise.

Having my children home, eating dinner as a family every night, no rushing out the door to get somewhere, no worrying about leaving a child or a dog home alone while we are at the cancer center. Quality time with my children before they go off to college in the fall, sharing memories of the past and making new ones for the future.

All blessings.

in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18

It’s true how sad of a time it is for my senior and all the other seniors who don’t get the traditional graduation, but in hindsight we will appreciate all the memories we were able to make with just our family. All the quality time we shared and the togetherness we had.

Those are the times we will remember.

And, what if we never have another opportunity like this again? What if there’s not another season we are all together?

What if these memories are all we have?

Sometimes it’s hard to see the picture when you are in it. But, like my friend reminded me…what a blessing this quarantine is for us.

Another silver lining in the most unexpected place. No matter how hard life is count your blessings. In spite of everything, they are all around us.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28
Posted in Devotional, Self Help

Wonder Why

Ever wonder about the reasoning behind why things happen or why we choose to focus on the thoughts we do?

Lately, I’ve been catching myself asking the why in everything. Not that it’s necessarily bothering me, but rather providing me a sort of peace of why some things just have to happen.

Today, after reading my devotion I started to wonder why all the situations happening in my life are a surprise to me. A flood of questions filled my mind, but I know there’s only one that holds the answers.

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

James 1:5-6

Of course in these times, when so much is going on around us, I can’t help but include cancer in the equation. And, I cannot help but think perhaps somehow this is all connected. One thing always leads to another.

Lives are intertwined, I do believe that, and only God could produce such a complex masterpiece.

Even in these uncertain days, we have enjoyed the togetherness. Still, that is transparent because deep down I know, in the middle of all of this, there is something else.

I would like to imagine our family meals, hours spent with each other and slower pace of life comes without strings attached; however, in the back of my mind I know that cannot be true.

As the calendar turns the page, it reveals a new treatment timetable, billing cycle and appointment schedule. Time doesn’t stop and neither does life, nor the roles it holds.

For every thankful moment we have, another one is taken from us, and there are some we simply cannot get back.

Weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, funerals, proms and graduations. Those days will come and go and be lost forever. However, time lost in some situations is time gained in another. No matter what the scenario, we will never regret what we acquired with those we love.

And, I am reminded these days will be made into memories my children will cherish as a period spent with their dad which otherwise they may not have had.

The treatments will continue, the bills will pile up, the monthly appointments rescheduled, the occasions lost, but the impressions will always remain.

Call it a catch-22 or call it a blessing, but for my children I will call it a silver lining.

My heart breaks for all the lost events and celebrations, the unfairness of it, the selfishness, the choices that have cost so much.

Every family is going through their own uncharted waters, manuevering our way the best we can, leaving a sort of emptiness behind. In a sense it is unsettling, but I am careful not to overlook the blessings before me. There are two sides to every coin.

Don’t be naïve and ignore the grace of God. We have it in our life every single day. In every bad situation, we can all find a silver lining if we just look for it.

16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Hebrews 4:16

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6
Posted in Family

Head of the Household

Blaze Jenna Blake Roscoe aka TORNADO

We all need some Joy in our lives at the moment, right?

Well, several weeks ago we got a new head of the household.

For I don’t know how many months, years my youngest son has wanted a dog. It’s not like we haven’t had dogs his entire life. I guess they haven’t been the kind of dog he has wanted. Although, he has always been an animal lover.

When we have had to be away at the hospital he is the child who takes the dog to sleep with him and keeps him company, since his four-legged sister passed last year. I can always count on him to give the dog a little attention.

Hubby and I swore that after our two elderly dogs were gone that would be the end of our pet parenthood. With his illness and our travels, we just cannot handle “one more thing.”

Well, so we thought.

When it was certain my oldest son was going away to college, and my youngest son was still begging for a puppy, I sat hubby down for a serious talk.

Come fall we will be down to one child in the house. That is going to be very weird for me, and probably even weirder for our son. I’m sure it will take some adjusting for him to get used to being an only child.

I started thinking about it, worrying about it even more so.

What if we had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night?

What if we were away at the Cancer Center and had to stay over, and he is home alone?

What if treatments get more intense and we are away for a week or more?

The questions flooded my mind, and I started to wonder how I would handle any of those situations. Of course, he is old enough to stay alone, BUT would I want him to be home at night, all night, for multiple nights AND all alone?


Insert my idea and the reason for the serious talk with hubby.

In order for him to not interrupt with a quick retort, I asked him to hear me out and began with the obvious. Considering his poor health and the path life may take us down, I suggested we should “consider” getting our youngest a dog of his own. Someone to keep him company when his brother leaves for college, someone to stay with him if we have to go to the hospital, and someone who can offer just a dose of HAPPY we could all use right now.

Surprisingly, without much more effort than that we were all researching dogs, putting in our two cents and coming up with just what we needed. Of course, I wanted a non-shedder, not too big, a good family dog, and a protector. My son wanted a dog that he could take hunting and fishing and train to be his best friend.

I was thinking a dog by summer. School would be out, summer would be a perfect time for training and it would give us a little time to save.

However, with the discovery of a great breeder, Bingham Kennels, and a litter on the way due by mid-February, we were destined to become the new family for a German Wirehaired Pointer.

So about a month ago, we became the proud “grandparents” to a new pup.

Yeah, right! I’m her mommy, and we all know it. I put her to bed every night in my bathroom, and wake up with her many mornings unless of course hubby is feeling well, hears her awake and beats me to it.

She has been a “burst of joy” in our house. And, I do mean burst.

Some days, I think we are crazy for taking on this journey. Can’t afford this journey. Don’t have time for this journey.


When I see that sweet little puppy hopping around the yard like a bunny, pouncing on a squeaky toy, or whining to sit on my lap, she touches my heart. She has her moments, but she has brought so much pleasure to our house.

Sometimes she bites too hard, sneaks through the fence, chews my throw pillows, snatches my dish towels or won’t walk properly on her leash, but she is a great snuggler, furnishes several laughs a day and melts our hearts more often than we can count.

The best part of all is the one person who wanted a puppy the least is the one person who adores the puppy most. Hubby walks her down the driveway, sits out on the deck with her, plays tug of war and fetch and will even get up early to give her some exercise.

Puppies may not be miracle workers, but they sure can heal hearts that are hurting.

Welcome to our family Blaze Jenna…you are like a tornado at 8 in the morning, make our world more than a little crazy at times, but oh you bring many laughs and so much JOY! xo

Posted in Cancer, Family

Used to be…

Ever wonder how good life used to be?

Today, I was talking to a friend about how things are going for our families, and it made me realize how good life used to be. I don’t mean to be pessimistic, but seriously life has been forever changed.

For all of us!

We didn’t know how good we had it until a pandemic hit. And, I wonder all the time how life will go back to being normal.

Rather, what will our new normal be?

The last two winters my family has practiced a sort of social distancing to an extent, during flu season and during chemo treatments, just to be on the safe side and avoid having any sickness in the house. Now, we have learned a little more about social distancing and how we take life and our freedom for granted.

I wonder though how much socializing we will want to do after this?

I know for many people, you are in a rush to get back to your life. Get back to your social get togethers, weekend meet-ups on the island, boating, beaching and all the other fun times that go along with summer.

I am ready for that, too. But, in the back of my mind I know it won’t be happening.

It seems this situation has become a sort of political power struggle in a sense, and honestly, I don’t really care what your opinions are. I’ve never witnessed anyone changing political sides in the middle of a debate or discussion. I doubt anyone ever will. Just like most don’t want to hear opposing political views, I don’t really care at all what your views are.

We all have our own opinions, but I have no desire to discuss them with anyone outside of my family. I don’t really get into “discussions” about politics and religion. Mainly because I find they never end well.

Regardless, the what, why, when, where and how of all this is irrelevant to me. Bottom line is that it’s a real virus, and our family cannot afford to take a chance on someone in our house contracting it. Period. It doesn’t matter how or why it came about, the fact is it’s a real thing and with hubby’s health issues I don’t know if he could survive it.

That’s our situation.


So, whether or not life goes back to anything similar to what it was, our family will be cautious of what’s lurking in the background. We can’t risk it being any other way. We just can’t.

Life as we knew it is idle.

But, life as our family knew it was gone before this pandemic hit.

I think in uncertain times we learn life is not invincible, and neither are we. Bad things happen to good people, and maybe that’s essential to help someone else.

I tell my children all the time maybe their dad got sick for a reason that we cannot yet see. We don’t always know why certain things happen, but we know God has a plan for all of us.

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.”

1 Corinthians 13:12

It is essential that we go through trials and suffering. It is our opportunity to trust in God and prepare us for His glory.

 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

I am far from perfect, a bigger sinner than I want to confess, and I struggle daily more often than I care to admit. However, if I have learned anything in the last two years it has been to find hope and have faith. In turn, I have been graced with a sense of peace, patience, and humility.

Living takes a daily effort.

We were never promised an easy life, and I believe the longer we walk this Earth the more apparent that fact is to us. Life is a challenge, and we have to accept that. We must adapt to the situation, keep moving forward and trust in God.

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.”

Matthew 6:10
Posted in Self Help

Early Morning Thoughts

It’s an early morning for me. Ironically, my favorite time when the house is quiet, and I am alone with my thoughts in spite of the fact I’m not at all an early riser. I’m a night owl, but I love my sleep when it decides to finally come to me.

This morning I awoke early, unable to rest, my mind flooded with worry and thoughts of everything I’m dealing with in life. The mounding stack of medical bills to pay, the incessant virus, the relentless quarantine, unable to see my

distant family, my daughter still away, cancer, kids, and on and on my mind spiraling out of control.

How did my sanity get here this early? Sometimes I can feel my thoughts reeling as I’m sleeping. And how do I know this? I awake restless, tense with my thoughts racing. I just know.

The bedlam in my life creates a perfect storm in my head. So many obstacles to overcome. Thoughts of the future, what tomorrow brings and what yesterday has done.

The commotion puts me on overload. I have been crying inside for days, at moments unable to hold back the tears, the pain, the brokenness I feel inside. My shoulders feel heavy, my heart aches, I have a pit in my stomach.

It happens every so often. I go through an ungovernable cycle.

Many times it begins the week we travel to the Cancer Center, the mental exhaustion sets in, impressions are made resulting in realities of the situation. Like a balloon it gets bigger and bigger, so full until it finally bursts.

Most would tell me to pray, trust in God, have faith. And, I’m telling you I do.

A year ago the process was debilitating, but time and hope, friends and faith have led me to the place I now reside. I’m better, really I am.

For those who have never walked in my shoes and even know all that I am dealing with, it is a load to process. I simply cannot just dump it all at once without sorting it out inside my brain. At times I feel like I must declutter and try to process what exactly I am dealing with before I can hand it over.

As some would say, it’s just the way I’m wired.

I read a lot. Not books lately, but a lot of everything else. A cluster of topics including cancer, ailments within my family, devotions and quotes, spiritual works and anything else that my mind makes me wonder about.

This morning, I can’t sleep and contrary to everything running through my mind my thoughts revert back to God. 

Regardless of the mountain in front of me, I have so much to be grateful for. Simple things that easily get overlooked. More money needs to go out than is coming in, but we still have the obvious necessities of life…food, a roof and don’t forget toilet paper.

My daughter is safe with friends and family who will look out for her. She is not alone, and I will get her home soon, one way or another.

I can still talk to my family, even though I can’t see all of them right now. They are here with me. 

For the most part my children are healthy. I have friends, family and people who check in on me. There’s a sweet teacher friend who brought us a delicious dinner, has been there if I need an ear and helped with something I mistakenly forgot. She has made me gracious with her caring and kindness.

And, I have so much love and appreciation for everyone who has chosen to be a part of my world. It is not an easy task to be my friend right now, but a few have remained irregardless.

I have hope, I have faith. And, I have the Lord. I am blessed in so many ways, and there’s an abundance of gratitude in spite of it all.

Life is full of battles, and heartbreak and pain and struggles, but if I look closer it’s full of so much more. There is room for my grateful heart.

Life is difficult. It is mostly uphill. Remember that.

The sooner I accepted it, the easier it got and my expectations changed. We cannot alter life to fit our wants and needs. Most of the time it alters us.

Life is a challenge in our changing world filled with turmoil, selfishness and disgrace. It’s a reminder what we should seek the most are not the objects many of us desire.

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”

Matthew 6:33
Posted in Cancer, Family, Self Help

Optimism, Realism

Do you ever think about dying?

It’s a topic no one willingly likes to discuss, but yet it’s the end and the beginning to our life. This week I’ve been thinking about it more and more.

I don’t know why.

But, it’s on my mind often, and that scares me a little.

25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

John 11:25-26

Today, I was chatting with an old high school friend over text, and I asked about her dad. Her mom passed away two years ago, and I told her I hate to think our parents are at that age.

She said, “…it’s so hard to think about. We spend our whole childhood wishing time away and then wake up one day and wonder where it went.”

My grandmother lived until her late 90s. My Pawpaw until his mid 90s and my Granny until 90. That’s some longevity in my family, but there have been others who died young.

I wondered what is really “that age.”

Yesterday, on the way home from the Cancer Center, hubby and I had a consequential discussion. Normally, when I ask him to talk about his feelings he says, “What are feelings?” It’s his wittiness, but he doesn’t talk about feelings much unless I am upset, he’s talking about cancer or our family.

We discuss death. And, like I explored with him yesterday and my friend today, there is no such thing as “that age.” That age can be 5, 25, 55 or 95.

As hubby told me, he will die when it’s his time, when the good Lord decides, and there is no worry in that.

God takes us when He is ready to take us. Yes, there are miracles, but perhaps God only grants those once in a while and saves them for special circumstances?

I realized on our drive home, hubby believes in miracles, he just doesn’t believe there’s one for him.

Society looks at dying in regards to life expectancy, but that’s not how dying happens. We expect to live until 80. We are blessed to live into our 90s. And, if we die before “our time” we say it’s too soon.

No one wants to see a mother lose a child. A wife lose her husband. A child lose his parent.

We have no say in who gets cancer, has a fatal accident or loses someone they love. We all have an expiration date, and sadly, not all of them are as lengthy as others.

We are not born with a guarantee on life, or how long we will walk on Earth.

Rarely, do I have this conversation with others; however, hubby and I have these disconcerting talks often. These circumstance are not necessarily planned for, but in this situation they are inevitable. I don’t always understand how he is so at peace, but he is and for that I am grateful. For myself, there is still a lack of acceptance, a disquiet about my children where my heart is impaired.

I know it is hard for my friends and family to understand. As my daughter alluded to, there are times we sense something is coming and catch ourselves just waiting for the other shoe to drop. We take aim at positivity, but in the back of our mind we are searching for level headedness.

Being a realist and being optimistic are not always the same nor do the two invariably go together. I think it is hard for someone trying to encourage us to stay positive to comprehend how we walk a fine line within the two. I understand, my husband understands, my children understand, but to others they don’t always understand.

It is difficult for everyone to decipher the thought process and the task of protecting the heart. It’s hard to be positive, pray for a miracle and accept the facts, the odds, and the reality of a situation. Somewhere in that mix we have to find a happy medium where our heart can safely flourish. A place we can live comfortably, a place we can accept whatever is handed to us and be able to survive the outcome.

Maybe some of you don’t view this as a sense of positivity, but at some point we find ourselves seeking a survival mode. Just maybe, we weigh on the cautious side. We have to live in a sector where we can manuever our path, even in heart-rending times.

That means preparing for the worst, while hoping and praying for the best.

All we need from everyone else is to pray for us. xo

17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.18 Therefore encourage one another with these words.”

 1 Thessalonians 4:17-18

Posted in Family

Memories, Fear Not


Tonight, I lie in bed alone with my eyes fighting sleep, but my mind is racing. All sorts of thoughts running through my head, reminiscing about my life when I was a child. Why is this on my mind tonight?

I don’t know why I am reminded of running around barefoot in the cold blades of grass, out to the garden where my Pawpaw drove the tractor, where I ran behind it with the cold dirt sifting between my toes as I picked up potatoes. Why tonight do I remember that so clearly?

And why is it on my mind?

I look back at my life and the vision is just as if it were yesterday. But, for some reason today seems blurry, and I can hardly see right in front of me. I close my eyes and imagine I am right there outdoors at this moment. I never thought I would be here where I am now. It’s not the image I had embedded inside my memories, it’s not what it’s suppose to be.

This is not the way my story was supposed to go.

I close my eyes and try to focus on the moment, the present, but it’s hazy, hidden in the darkness.


I remember the nights I would sit on my bed and stare off into the blankness, focusing on the tiny blue flowers on my wallpapered wall, so deep in thought I didn’t know if I was real or not.

Maybe I was lost then, too.

10 Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

That was another one of my sleepless nights, and I don’t know why I was thinking about my childhood. It’s ironic how we are reminded of particular moments when we have certain situations going on in our life.

I guess most of us don’t really end up living the life we envisioned in our childlike mind. I’m not exactly sure how I expected my life to be, but I know I didn’t expect what it is right now.

I find it interesting, sometimes funny, the memories my mind chooses to pick out and remind me of at specifc times in my life. I often wonder if I suppress individual memories, saving them for another time, or maybe not at all.

Perhaps, I am protected from some, or maybe they are just savored for another day.

I frequently stare at the family picture above the fireplace, when my children were young, and wonder what filled their minds. All the smiles, the cuteness, the innocence. I speculate they have memories of that day like I do, but different ones stick out in their mind.

Sometimes I think about what their dreams were, what they thought their life was like and would become. I know for me I thought many situations would be something other than what they are. I didn’t think I would worry so much about them, have some of the conflicts we have, or even the wounds as a result.

Many variables have made today what it is. Numerous situations that life has dealt have affected us all in a way that will go unchanged. Many conversations, good and bad, never forgotten. Many situations lodged forever in our mind.

I gaze at that picture hanging, and I pray they will all find their peace within this life. They will all keep those smiles they donned that day, the glimmer in their eyes will never fade and they will manuever their way through the roadblocks they encounter. I pray they will find a state of happiness that will endure and overcome the hurdles that may haunt their dreams.

Whether or not they thank me or blame me for problems they have endured, situations they have faced, or the life they have been dealt, I hope they will know I am their mother who offers unconditional love and support that only comes with the price of respect.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”

Ephesians 6:1-3

Being a mother, although not always the best one, has been my greatest joy and reward of my life. Being a family, being one another’s best friend, and knowing we have each other’s back ALWAYS has been a wonderful bonus.

In spite of roadblocks and twists and turns ahead, I hope my two pair, my four corners of my world, know that I will always be their mother no matter where their journey takes them. A part of me that is woven into my soul, they will forever be in my heart, even at times when it may be broken. xo

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3