Posted in Journal

In My Darkness

Lights flicker, the world goes dark.

And, I feel like I just left the top of that slope on a gargantuan roller coaster, racing downward, gasping for air, and praying my stomach will settle back down in my belly.

WHY is life like this?

Why do we have quintessential days where we imagine we can take on anything the world throws at us, and seconds later we are falling?

It’s similar to a dream, and I have to stop and ask myself if it really happened.

At times someone is talking to me. I hear their voice. Yet, seconds later I can’t recall what they said. I sit and stare as if the world is starless.

Just a reverie?

Sometimes, I have to think about it. Sometimes it makes no sense.

I talk in my sleep, I have mysterious dreams, I remember bits and pieces, and try to put the puzzle together. I have vague impressions in my mind, and I try to decipher if they are real or made up within the night.

I know it sounds crazy. Maybe I am?

I sleep way less than I used to. Some nights I’m awake til two or three in the morning. Some mornings, I wake at five or six or seven, and I’m up. Other times I doze back off and suddenly awake out of a deep sleep and wonder how I slept so long. Ironically, that intense sleep for a couple of hours after sunrise, after others have started their day is my best rest.

Maybe it’s exhaustion. Or maybe, it’s my subconscious trying to heal.

I don’t know why, but I suspect I dream an awful lot at night. Unpleasant bits that weigh on my mind. Some of them I struggle to interpret, others I just ask myself why. The bits and pieces clutter my mind, and I stumble while trying to make out their message.

I used to believe dreams consisted of my fears, but now I wonder if in my dreams it’s my fears I’m running from.

My mind does not shut off easily. It virtually has to run out of the fuel that feeds it in order to go idle, to rest, or calm my soul.

Yesterday was such a good day, but today, yesterday seems so far away. So many thoughts of positivity and strength and hope.

Lost.

Faded into the darkness, in a blink.

It’s ironic how one day can make a difference.

Change your whole outlook.

Switch off the light.

And, turn your world dark.

How did this anxiety find me?

In my darkness, the reminders are EVERYWHERE.

Posted in Journal, Self Help

One Bite at a Time

Day 443

We got through the first of another round of treatments this past September and ended up in the hospital a week later. Every step of the way it seems we encounter another unexpected hurdle.

A year prior to that we were just starting on this path with treatment, surgery, infections and a multitude of complications.

All those emotions and feelings are much the same today, but somehow I’ve become smarter, stronger and found more faith in God, trusting I will get through this. It won’t be easy, and I don’t look forward to this journey in many ways, but I know God has put me here for a reason.

I must be strong for my children. I have to be. There’s no choice in this.

I can cry, and break down and scream and say this isn’t fair as many times as I want, BUT I have to be there for my children. I must!! It is my place in this life to be their protector, to be their advocate, to be their strength. I can do it, and God will be there to see me through it. 

I will tighten my circle, straighten my crown and 
take each day as it comes. 
My Blessings come in all sorts of disguises.

October 2019

I have read this journal post over and over and over the last few weeks to remind myself of how far I have come. It has been a very distressing road, and recently I haven’t felt so strong. Some days I feel myself slipping back into that nightmarish hole I used to live in. There in the dark, I was partnered with loneliness and defeat, struggling to find the positivity in my life, while wrestling with every negative notion.

My children are my motive, along with trusting in God to give me strength and show me the light, enabling me to find the good. Some days I forget my mission is to help others find inner peace, while helping myself.

Other days remind me my children and I have weaknesses, and I realize how vulnerable they make us. Invasions through those cracks cripple us if we allow them in, but we have the power within us if we simply have faith.

However, finding inner peace is an easier task than retaining it. A constant struggle inside your mind, it takes patience and trust and understanding at all times. Negative forces are persistently challenging your thoughts, your confidence, your beliefs and your trust.

Don’t let them win!

Be aware of the flaws and use your armor and your mind to overpower the enemy. Sometimes we ourselves are our worst adversary, and in other circumstances we are warding off Satan. Or perhaps, he plays a role in both scenarios. Deter him with prayer and God’s word.

When I settle down and calm my mind I know where to find my source for inner strength. An anxious mind cannot focus on peacefulness, just as a restless heart cannot find trust. Close your eyes, relax, breathe and go to a happy place. Preoccupy your mind with a simple task. Do something you love.

A simple moment of shifting your mind, finding some sort of calm, distracting your thoughts can create an inner peace thought to be out of reach. Practice daily.

I beleive we all have a hidden fortitude within us. Use it in your favor. One day at a time.

As some wise soul once said, picture a huge elephant in front of you, draw a picture of it and write…One bite at a time.

We’ve got this!

Posted in Journal

Broken

Is staying positive ALL the time even possible?

Today, is one of those days. I feel like I’ve been here before. Or maybe I never left.

Perhaps it’s just that I’ve been so concerned with everyone else in my life I haven’t had time to sit down and think about anything regarding myself. I’ve been trying so hard to take care of all the brokenness around me that I haven’t had time to think.

My daughter is struggling, so my other daughter is struggling because her sister is struggling. I’m concerned about that. Then, my son is struggling so his sister notices that, and I notice that.

I have some heartbreak in that conglomeration, along with some tears, some pain and even some anger. Maybe lots of anger.

I read an article today about being nice, not being a jerk. Not picking on people, not being insensitive or mean or harsh. And, I almost laughed through the pain I felt inside my heart because sometimes people are so oblivious to what’s going on around them.

If I’ve learned anything, I’ve learned to be more aware of people around me. To be more empathetic, and definitely more aware of the fact that we are all dealing with some kind of calamity.

There are no words that can describle how hard my heart has been crying and screaming inside. And, for some of you who know anything at all about the situations, you dont know anything about that pain because it is simply on top of an already broken heart.

I look around, and I’m seeing a lot of jerks. And, I hope somehow they are ALL reading this.

The jerks who went on with life after they were clods to my daugther. The ones who left the debris of her brokenness on the ground…went on about their life not noticing she was in pain, hurt from the hell we are going through.

The one who broke my son, and didn’t even notice it happened. Ignored him, left no compassion or any care in the world, or considered that his life was already upside down.

I hope you all sleep well at night. I hope you all feel good about yourself.

I’m here to clean up the wreckage. And, we will be just fine.

I will pray for my children.

I will pray to God for forgiveness, for my anger, for my enmity.

And, I will pray for you.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

Colossians 3:15

Sometimes, even when you don’t want to…if you can help someone then help them.

Think about that!

Posted in Journal, Self Help

Hope

Ever wonder why some days are just easier than others? Maybe it’s how we start our day or maybe it’s our prayers.

I was skimming my journal today and thought how my life goes through the same cycle over and over. We get a diagnosis or test results, then there’s an acceptance period, then there’s a plan of attack or treatment, scans, results, and then we start again. The cycle repeats itself over and over


October 3, 2019

Some days I feel as if I’m suffocating, and I can’t get air. Anxiety sets in, and I am swept away in my fears. It’s the worst feeling in the world, and all I can do is cry.

This morning I prayed to God for strength and healing and to forgive me for my sins and selfishness. Some days I just want it to stop. Some days I don’t want to be here, to do this. Some days I don’t want to get off the couch.

I know I should give my worry and pain to God and trust him, but that alone is another battle I fight. It’s all so overwhelming, and sometimes I just want it to go away…to wake up from this bad dream.

Does my husband really have cancer?

Is my children’s father really going to die?

I look at those test results and try to comprehend all those medical terms and digest what’s in front of me. I know he’s not the only patient in the world, but he’s my patient, and I want to know what’s looking us in the face. I need answers, I need assurance, I need something so just tell me what it is and forget the sugar coating.

Worry is something so hard to give up, yet it steals so much from you. It takes away from your peace, it eats at your brain and soul and it makes you go places in your mind you never want to be.

Yet, it’s like a drug, and you just can’t give it up some days.

Pray for strength, pray for peace…then put one foot in front of the other and keep looking ahead. I know God will protect me, my children…it’s all the hope I have.

And, what do we have if we don’t have hope?


It’s hard to believe that was only four months ago. I think back and can hardly remember the day. It was one of many of the same…like my life was on repeat.

I started this blog for myself and for others. I went outside my comfort zone and did it in hopes of helping other people who are struggling. It was something I felt I was chosen to do, a calling of a sort, to take something bad and do good with it.

At lunch today, my friend said she sees a change in me since starting the blog. I told her I feel better when I write. She pointed out how I sometimes conceal my feelings and keep them inside, and she believes my blog is a way for me to express them, let them out.

I agree with her.

And, she has been a steadfast supportive friend to me since I have known her.


Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:4 (ESV)

So often we hide behind a mask of social media in a make believe world. Everyone is happy on Facebook. Right?

People show off the perfect happy façade of their life, and somewhere behind that smile are tears and heartbreak, or pain and suffering, or loneliness and depression.

I feel like I could easily be putting myself in a vulnerable situation, but this is my story, my thoughts, my therapy. This is about helping myself and helping others. And in the end, the truth will set us free…


Posted in Journal, Self Help

Tired

It’s 4 am above the city, nine floors high in this tiny room, with only the tick tock from the clock on the wall, and I wait. I reference the sound to that of a time bomb, but is it merely time ticking away?

For me, maybe one in the same.

I can’t explain how I feel tonight, but I do feel time slipping away. Why does time always keep coming at me?

Time.

Is it even real?

There are always excuses for not enough time, out of time, or never having enough time. Seriously, no one has enough time because time flies.

Take the time!

I can’t say it enough

Take the time, because we can never stop it.

I have fought back tears much of the night, pushed back fears, and stopped my mind from going into dark places.

Now, there’s just an ache in the pit of my stomach. Today, unknowingly, I got on a new roller coaster, and it doesn’t stop. I’ll adjust…it’ll just take some time.

That was only two nights ago, but I’m so drained and exhausted it seems like it has to be 48 days rather than 48 hours. There are moments I feel as if I’m getting a glimpse of the road ahead. Is this God preparing me for what’s to come?

Tonight, I told my daughter in these troubled times to take care of herself. Do what makes her happy. Live a life that is comforting to her. Not to others. People don’t have a right to judge, or comment, or even have a voiced opinion. Not in this. They just don’t.

Maybe that seems selfish to some, but at the moment we are really the only ones who understand each other. It’s just the way it is.

Seeing and waiting is a hard, hard task. And, we are tired, mentally and physically.

We have some fabulous friends, some wonderful family. We love you all. Appreciate you dearly. Pray for us, that’s what you can do.

Posted in Journal, Self Help

Strength

Ever felt helpless to the point you almost lose hope?

Today, I actually almost feel that way. But, not in the way you’re probably thinking.

Have you ever felt so helpless when it comes to your children that you’re crying inside? Yep, me too. It’s a common trait for a mother, right?

The worst feeling in the world for a mother is hoping so desperately you’re able to fix something, and at the same time knowing you can’t.

Someone once told me you can’t lose hope because if you don’t have hope you don’t have anything. I look back to that particular time and almost make myself laugh because hard times and struggles from the past are nothing compared to what I’m going through now. And, I thought that was rock bottom?

I don’t know if I should drop to my knees and laugh or cry. Honestly, someone else always has it harder. Life isn’t fair, and I’m pretty sure no one ever told us it would be. If they did, they lied. 

Last week during Bible study everyone asked about my blog so I was explaining what it’s about and why I’m doing it. A few signs and a serious discernment is all it took for me to push forward.

I went through a period of being mad at God for so many things. I prayed, I read devotions, and I asked for strength daily. I also cried a lot and asked, Why? I was trying so hard to understand why I was being punished, why my children were suffering, and why all this is happening.

29 He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
31 But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:29-31

It is hard to stand in the middle of tragedy and heartbreak and admit that bad things have to happen. Ironically, I do believe sometimes they have to happen in order for there to be good in our lives. It doesn’t always make sense, but for me I just had this realization one day that this is all happening for a reason. I am suppose to take it and do good with it.

Often, I have to stop and remind myself life is not always wonderful, and we were never promised it would be. We were never promised exceptional people wouldn’t suffer.

Stop thinking life always owes us happiness. Stop thinking we deserve anything more than what we get.

When we look at it from the Lord’s perspective we slowly see that we don’t have a right to be mad about anything that’s taken away from us. Some have given up and sacrificed way more than we can imagine. What makes us feel we have a right to be angry?

At some point maybe we all have to make our own sacrifices even if they are not our choosing. We were never promised eternal life on Earth. The best we can do is have hope and accept the fate we have been dealt.

We can pray for mercy, pray for healing, pray for miracles, but ultimately we should pray for peace. As adults it is sometimes hard for us to accept, and essentially even harder for our children. It is human instinct for us to want to protect them, but better yet we need to help them understand what we know in our hearts.

Finding peace will not make us forget the pain, or even suffer less, but it can help us heal and accept God’s will. With our children we can’t give up on hope, and at times we have to carry them even when they don’t ask us.

As a mother I have more strength than my children will ever realize, times four. They have seen me in my weak moments, but they are yet to see me in my strongest.

God gives me strength every day because I ask him for it, and if they are too weak I will ask him for strength for them, too.

And, we all know…if you can help someone, then help them. xo

Posted in Journal, Self Help

Take the Time

Do you ever look back on the past and think something seems like it was forever ago? Sometimes that’s how I feel about the last two years. I think it’s because I’ve felt like I’m living double time. Living in actual time while also living for what’s to come. And, I will tell you…it wears you out quickly. It can be like treading water in a way. You’re worn out, but you haven’t gone anywhere.

So much has happened in two short years, and at times I feel like I’m still in the same place trying to fight the same battles. And, in a way I am. They say time heals all wounds, but does it really? Time has gone by, but has it really healed anything?

Day 62

Sept. 26, 2018

It has been 62 days since I found out my husband has cancer. And, it is Day 16 of radiation.

It seems like we have been going to the Cancer Center for months, maybe even years. The days and weeks are running together. I am reliving day after day just like the one before it.

Will it ever end?

Someone asked me today when will it be over? It will NEVER be over! Ever! I will live with this for the rest of my life in some capacity. Maybe not like today, but in some way that has been transformed.

My emotions are on the roller coaster today. I’ve cried a few times, looked at him from afar and stopped myself from wondering if he is going to die. I can’t help it! It’s a scary thought I push to the back of my mind, but I’m scared of the unknown.

Why is this happening to us? Am I being punished?

I miss my boys! I miss my girls! I miss my life!

I feel detached from my world. I cannot believe we are going through a bout with cancer and the aftermath of a natural disaster. Hurricane Flo has turned our upside down world upside down yet again. And again, I want to know why?

In the cancer center today it was hard not to be sad for all the people going through this ugly ordeal. Cancer is some sort of evil. So many people are suffering, dying, and it makes me heartbroken.

Today, I chatted with a man who has pancreatic cancer and is taking some treatments. He chose his path, one of three scenarios his doctor presented to him, which gave him an estimated five months of a quality life. His five months are staring him in the face.

He doesn’t look like he has cancer, but what does cancer look like anyway? It doesn’t play fair. And, sadly there’s no way to make it adhere to any rules. It’s in control, and we have to take the hand we are dealt.


I have read that journal entry over and over. That day was a repeat and just like every other day of those 25 days. Maybe time didn’t make a difference, but that doesn’t mean it won’t make a difference in the end. 

I think back to the man, who was battling pancreatic cancer, and how much I looked forward to talking to him every morning. He was fighting and facing death, but he brightened my morning every day. The stories he told of his business, or his daughter, or his granddaughter. He was always positive, always at peace with his situation, but I never told him what our conversations meant to me or how he somehow made me feel better.

In the following months after radiation, a lady at the cancer center would tell me how that man was always asking how we were doing. I hoped I had somehow made his mornings brighter.

After a few months she stopped mentioning him, and I knew he was probably gone. For him, there wasn’t more time or more stories, but for me there were the memories of how he had brightened some of my darker days.

We all know our time can end tomorrow, but do we really live life like that? I’m not talking about living our lives like WE are dying; I’m talking about our loved ones, our friends, or the people who impact our lives. If you lost a close friend or family member tomorrow would you have any regrets?

I continuously tell my kids, don’t leave each other mad. Don’t set yourself up for regrets. They may get lectured for something they did or didn’t do, but I always make sure they know one thing in the end, and that is I love them. Don’t wait to say it, don’t leave mad, don’t put some things off. 

Take time to thank the Lord for the simple things you have in life and for those people who have impacted it. When you lose those who mean the most to you, you’re the one left with the memories. Make sure to take the time to make them.