Category: Family

When our children leave the nest I believe we all think in the back of our minds, they will now realize how much they really need us. 

But, who needs who more? Is it really our children who will realize how much they need us, or rather is it us who will realize how much we need them?

For me, it is an easy answer. Indeed, my children need me, but I don’t think they realize how much I need them.

The Lord blessed me with two pairs (two girls and two boys), and I count my blessings daily. There are no words within me to describe how much they mean to me. They make up the four corners of my world. Not to say we don’t have frustrating moments, but they bring me more joy than anything I could ever imagine. 

When my husband got diagnosed with cancer three years ago, and my second daughter left for college shortly after, it was almost harder than when my first daughter left the nest. I know in part it was because she went 1200 miles away to school, and her dad had just been diagnosed with a horrible disease. I was uncertain how often I would see her, and I knew I was going to miss having a daughter in the house. I was now going to be living with three males, and that seemed like a heavy load of testosterone. 

She and I talked on the phone often, and my older daughter came home to visit every month. We managed that first year the best we could.

It started off with a multitude of challenges having to travel to the cancer center more than two hours away for several weeks. We were navigating an unwelcome addition to our lives with a cancer diagnosis, not knowing at times what it meant for our family’s fate. It was hard being away from my boys a week at a time, in order to be with their dad during treatments. I missed  having my girls by my side. My nest seemed to be falling apart, and the only comfort I felt was knowing my children, all four of them, had each other.

The holidays rolled around, the girls were back home and, there appeared to be some sense of normalcy in our home. But, their dad was fighting an infection, and I knew in a few short weeks I would relive the agony of them leaving for college again. When it was time for the girls to head back to school, I felt it in my heart. I love my boys more than any other momma, but girls and boys are divergent. We have different relationships. 

My husband, still battling cancer, took up much of my time. It wasn’t easy, and that was another adjustment. I fought off the depressed days, the anxiety, the stress…barely. I found myself mourning my old life, wishing for the days when the children were younger, praying for no illness. 

Summer soon came and once again life reverted back to some of what it used to be. The girls were home, and I had my two pairs. All my many blessings.
By the end of summer, it was time to return to school, and the cancer returned as well. That year was just as hard as the previous one, maybe harder.
We managed to get through it, and in some odd ways the adjustments became easier. I prayed to God daily for strength to get us through.

Fast forward two years until last summer, and my oldest son left for college. It has been the strangest of times, leaving another emptiness inside my heart. Raising four children has been my life, and now there is only one remaining in the house. My lifelong job, nearing its end, as I have always known it. And, there is nothing I can do about it except hide my helplessness.

Why do they grow up so fast? My most favorite job and fondest memories are ones that include being a mother. Why does this life, as I have always known it, have to mature so rapidly.

Not more than three weeks after my oldest son left for college, his younger brother suffered burns to his arms, hands, and face. The evening of the accident my son came home from college to stay, while my youngest spent a few days in the burn center a couple of hours away. 

It was a time that changed me. It was a moment I got on my knees and prayed over my son for comfort and healing. I didn’t understand why God was allowing this to happen. I couldn’t see past our pain or the trauma we suffered. It was mentally debilitating, and once again I was begging God to heal us all. 

Not long after, I understood how God uses people, situations and even grief to heal. One tragedy had suddenly healed another brokenness, and our family was closer and stronger than ever before.  

Another hurdle we managed to get through, all by the grace of God.

The last three years have been exhausting at times, unbearable in many situations, and life altering at others. 

The one constant in my life, the one anchor, the one lifeline has been my children. Despite the fact their dad is in the fight of his life, they have remained, for the most part, extremely resilient. 

Their strength has enabled me to face each new day, and they have encouraged me to seek support, given me the will to keep moving ahead and push on. They have been my constant beacon of hope. I cannot imagine my life without the four of them. They make me work harder, desire to be stronger, and refuse to give up. Along with the good Lord, they have been my saving grace!

I pray for them daily to get through the hurdles life has thrown at them. I pray for their safety, their strength and for their happiness. I have realized if God will give me that, along with the strength and wisdom I need to be their mother, then I can get through this life no matter the stage or what it throws at me.

I used to believe God never gives us more than we can handle, but I don’t believe that is true anymore. God has given me so much more than I ever imagined I could handle. But, he has also given me the courage I need to overcome my obstacles. My children have given me the will.

So often I find myself sad at the fact they are growing up, but regardless of how old they are, I will always be their mother. This is simply an interlude in the great play called life. 

And, who needs who more?

Perhaps, they don’t need me in the same ways as they once did, but I am certain I need them more than I ever have. And, I imagine that’s the way God intended for it to be.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:1-13

What do you have to be thankful for this Thanksgiving?

It has been a challenging year to say the least. One that has put us to many tests, questioned every ideology we believe in, and divided our society more than we care to discuss.

Yet, through this ever changing crisis in our world, I am fighting harder than ever to remain hopeful in every aspect of my life. To say it has been a difficult task is an understatement.

I am awake at 1:30 in the morning going through the thoughts weighing my mind down. It seems almost a bittersweet day, trying hard to focus on the good in order to battle the demons I wrestle with inside my head.

Twenty-four hours from now my heart will be brimming with love, my house will be full, and the four beds upstairs will be filled with my blessings. It is an instance I have been anticipating, and one that brings joy to my soul.

Everyone will be home from college, and the holidays will begin.

It is a time of year to reflect on all I have to be thankful for, all I’m blessed with, and how grateful I am for my family. This year has been filled with ups and downs, and it has produced a time like no other.

In spite of all the chaos, there are many reasons to feel blessed. And, my list is long.

On another note, there is also a sense of sadness, heartbreak and hurdles that have plagued me, one after another. It is hard not to recall those moments no matter how hard I push them back in my mind.

I have had an uneasiness in my heart. One I know is fueled by anticipation, waiting and what-ifs. At times it overwhelms me to the point where I feel like I am suffocating. The anxiousness takes over at those moments, and I remind myself to just breathe. There are moments I feel like I’m going to explode and the anxiety will consume every inch of me.

Distractions. They are my saviors for the moment.

I wrestle with what this week should look like and all it is. It bounces back and forth in my mind as I try to grasp hold of it to get it under control.

Peace. It is near. I feel it just out of my reach.

I simply must stop the noise I have let inside, take the leap and grasp it.

In the midst of all the storms in my life the only peace I can cling to is having hope, trusting the Lord will see me through and remembering there is much to be grateful for.

Other than being thankful for the obvious blessings in life, I am grateful for the hope I have found. The prayers, the Lord, and all the things not seen. They are there and the only sense of comfort that brings any peace in my life.

My children are my salvation. Without them I would not be able to weather the pain I feel in my heart. They give me strength to get up each day, knowing I have moments with them to look forward to, their hugs, their I love yous, their voice calling out to me. They fill my heart with a joy I have no where else in my life. They create the four corners of my world. They are my biggest blessing.

My family, my friends, the wonderful doctors, my parents, my aunt and uncle, my brother, the crazy dog who brings so much laughter to these rooms and all the others I fail to mention. The battles hubby fights so hard without complaints, providing for our family in spite of his illness, and all the times he has been the one comforting me.

All of you have been a solace in the storm. All I am blessed with. All the good in spite of the bad.

It is in the midst of turmoil that sometimes we find the many blessings bestowed upon us. Without the bad, how would we see the good?

Perhaps, we should remember we need to have the negative in order to see the positive. The bad in order to appreciate the good. And, the storms in order to enjoy the sunshine. No matter what we endure, the glass is always half full if that is how we choose to see it.

On this Thanksgiving open your heart to the joys in your life, the blessings, the gratefulness. Find hope in the uncertainty, seek grace from the favors of the Lord, and appreciate what you do have. We all have something to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34

Do you ever feel like it’s just one thing after another?

Much of the last two weeks have been a blur to me. I woke up a week ago and was dazed and confused, trying to grasp what day it was and where time had gone. I almost questioned whether the several days prior had even happened.

But, I remembered all too clearly I was not imagining anything.

It was all real.

Several moments and events from the previous five days were all too vivid in my mind. Imagining the flames that overtook my son, the smell of his burnt hair, the blisters and burns on his arms, his face, his hand, layers of his skin missing, the ambulance, the pain, the tears, and the fear buried in the back of my mind since the day his dad was diagnosed with cancer.

It was all TOO real.

When hubby got sick I had no control over it, no say. Faced with reality, heartbreak, and the realization I cannot save him, I got this feeling of panic that overwhelmed me. It’s as if my life took a plunge, and drowning in reality I was trying to grab and hold onto everything, everyone. I was clutching to my children with fear in my heart.

Fear of losing control, fear of losing them, fear of losing everything.

And, on that Wednesday afternoon, with one simple phone call, that fear was my reality. When something bad happens I know how easily my mind begins to wander and imagines the worst. This time was no different.

I was worried about that sweet face. There was concern about my other children, and how they were going to handle something else.

Every doctor said he was lucky, said he could have been on a ventilator.

In spite of that, I wanted to know, Why?

Why did this have to happen and how much more can we take?

More doctor visits, more medical bills, more stress, more anxiety, more, more, more!

I felt numb. Beaten.

There was guilt. Pain.

But, I knew the Lord was looking out for him that day. He was lucky.

Then, 14 hours after his accident, at 5 in the morning, I sat next to his bedside at the burn center in Chapel Hill, inches from his face, and watched while he endured more pain than I suffered with him coming into this world. As a mother, it was the most horrible thing to watch my child go through, and it is forever embedded in my memory.

I wanted to hold his hand, but I couldn’t. I wanted to place my hand on his shoulder, but he couldn’t tolerate my touch. So, I just closed my eyes and prayed for him that morning to withstand the pain and get through the torture.

And, he did.

In the days after, I held back my tears, only allowing myself to cry with the recovery room nurse as she listened to my sorrows. I sat in his room for six hours after surgery waiting for him to wake up. I walked around tired and drained, napping when exhaustion took over.

When we came home I was restless, plagued with sleeplessness, nightmares that forced me upright and wide awake with an uneasiness in my heart.

There is no pain in the world like a mother’s ailing heart. The helpless feeling eating at me, not wanting him out of my sight, the protectiveness I want to wrap him in forever. I could have prevented the whole mishap. Maybe.

If only we could change all the “maybes” and “what ifs.” How would life be different?

The days are getting better and so is he, but this distraction is losing its focus. If nothing else my son has preoccupied my mind from the uncertainty of the quickly approaching visit to the cancer center. A costly silver lining, but one nonetheless.

God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes it’s best we have our eyes wide shut.

Lose sight and just have faith.

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9