Hard to Handle

Have you ever had a critical realization that impacted your whole way of thinking?

I have an abundance of thoughts and a lack of discernments that could go into making the list complete, and this could quite possibly be why I always need to know the unknown. And, why I try terribly hard to be a realist.

Let’s face it! I have said it before…we spend our whole life planning for the future only to hit the brakes when something tragic happens and then be expected to live life one day at a time. I dont know about you, but I have never been able to shift gears that quickly, nor do I instantly accept change at a moment’s notice.

Maybe when it comes to being a mom or having to think faster than four little ones, but not in a situation that involves every life expectancy I ever dreamed about.

Last week, I listened to a podcast from a lovely woman who has suffered her own heartaches similar to my own. One of the discussions during her segment touched on some mistruths and how she searched the Bible unsuccessfully to find where it says God will not give us anymore than we can handle.

I have thought about this more and more since last week, but more importantly, I thought about this long before I heard that discussion.

For a long, long time I have felt overloaded, over exhausted, and most importantly mistaken. Mistaken for a strong woman who surely was made of steel.

My point being there’s no way I could be as heavily built as God must think.

Not only do I not feel strong, but I don’t want to have to always be. And, why don’t I have any choice in this?

Why was I chosen to be so tough?

As the saying goes, when it rains it pours?

How much can one person, one family take?

By no means am I the only one struggling. I know several people who have the weight crushing their shoulders. I am not alone. And honestly, I don’t want to be here.

People tell me all the time how strong I am, but honestly do I have a choice?

Ever since my son’s accident I have wondered how much more is going to come at us? I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And, since hubby’s illness, I have had this urge to fight the panic that plagues me, to protect my children, and pray they stay safe.

That September afternoon, and the days that followed at the Burn Center, stole every ounce of peace I had built up and robbed me of any hope that my children are invincible in harm’s way.

Fear does not discriminate and a few days ago it tormented me as a feeling of panic consumed me. A quick shower, a missed phone call, and a simple reminder of my daughter traveling back to school flooded my mind with a disquiet. I had this uncontrollable feeling that something bad was happening, and I was deemed helpless.

The fear was unwarranted, unnecessary, but yet it hounded me nonetheless. These are the moments that rob me without warning, devouring any solitude I have found and creating hysteria within my mind.

I feel helpless, beaten, and the anxiety sets in.

I used to find comfort in thinking nothing else will happen because God knows I can’t take anymore.

However, one thing I have learned and know for certain is there are no guarantees.

To finish the story, the point in the podcast was…God will not give us anymore than we can handle without His help.

The lesson is to put your trust in God.

I will admit I have an uneasiness about it. I have this misconception I am letting go of control of the reins. In the back of my mind when I am thinking sensibly and my fear is not controlling my mind, I know realistically I don’t actually have control of any of this.

Life is hard and without Him it is impossible to get through the darkness. The most difficult challenge is letting go and trusting what is not seen to get you through to the light.

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

John 15:5