Tag: Cancer

Posted in Devotional

The New Normal

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Can you define normal?

The normal most of us have been accustomed to for much of our lives is out there in limbo somewhere scuffling to survive. And, I hate to be the one to break it to everyone, but I don’t think it’s coming back anytime soon.

At times, I have tried desperately to stop the noise. The talk of the pandemic, the political strategies, the negativity, the debate on schools, the opening of the country. It is an abundance of information to process. And, most of it is negative.

It is entirely too much.

And, I don’t have the answers.

Much of the time I don’t know what the questions are.

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Galatians 3:28

I do know we are in this together, although we may not all agree on the situation, we are one.

If you have ever read about the end of times and some of what the Bible says it can be a little intimidating. Scary almost. The Antichrist, the beast, a war waged on Christians.

Before I go off in another direction, my point is simply this. We cannot flip a switch and make this go away. We cannot sit and wait for normal to return. We cannot put our lives on hold.

We cannot live under a rock, in fear, in anger, in oblivion. We must keep moving and trust in the Lord.

We are all grieving right now. We are mourning the way our lives used to be and our freedom. We have unknowingly taken so much for granted, and just presumed living would always be just the way we imagined.

The pandemic has affected most everyone’s mental health. It has been difficult on us as adults and especially as parents. We grieve for our old lives, we grieve for our children losing out on school and sports and socialization. We mourn for what we have always had and always known.

It is a difficult state to be in. Depressing.

It has created an incompetency that our mentality cannot digest.

However, our children are more resilient than we think. We need to give them credit, give them support but keep moving forward, out of this darkness, this fog that is hindering everything good within us.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

John 14:27

Everytime I think about what has been taken from me and my family I relate it to cancer.

This pandemic hasn’t caused any grieving that cancer hasn’t already caused us; however, at times, it has exemplified the pain and the alienation and the anxiety.

But, it didn’t cause it, and I’m not going to let it reside over my life.

Another example of what cancer has taught me.

I have been grieving for two years now. I have been a mental mess for most of it, and I find it is sometimes a daily struggle.

Still.

Before the pandemic hit there were times I had to social distance, stay home, sit in a hospital, and wear a mask. Being a caregiver for my hubby, a wound care nurse, giving daily shots, administering IV antibiotics, keeping up with pain meds, prescriptions, doctor’s appointments, scans, and symptoms is more than overwhelming at times.

I never thought I had the strength I have found in myself, and for that I am so thankful. It’s amazing what you can do when you don’t have a choice.

And sadly, we don’t have a choice in many situations right now, but we do have a choice in how we deal with them.

I have sat alone at night while everyone was sleeping and cried and begged and pleaded for my husband, my children to not have to go through this cancer fight. I have asked God why, I have made myself sick, and I have fought to comprehend what is happening. I have stayed in my nightgown all day, not hardly gotten off the couch, cried in the shower so no one would know, and mislead my friends and family in believing I am OK.

At times, I have lived in fear, struggled to trust in the Lord, and wondered if I had enough strength and hope to get through the day. There have been moments my children were the ONLY focus I had that could drag me out of the darkness. Having the four of them has been my saving grace.

Many of you feel the pandemic has stolen your normal, but cancer stole that from my family awhile ago.

Even on bad days, even in times I fight to stay afloat, I refuse to give in.

I cannot.

I will stay positive for my children’s sake. I will make the most of this situation. It may not be normal, and it may not be what I imagined, but it is what it is. How I handle it is what matters.

It is up to us to make the new normal our normal.

We can let it take us down like quicksand, or we can embrace the change and keep moving forward. The choice is simply ours.

My Refuge and My Fortress

1Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 2I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” 3Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. 4He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. 5You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. 7A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you. 8You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. 9If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”and you make the Most High your dwelling, 10no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. 11For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; 12they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. 13You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent. 14“Because he That is, probably the king loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. 15He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. 16With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”

Psalm 91

Posted in Self Help

Out of Touch

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Can we be honest?

I’m not going to lie! Lately, I’ve been a little out of touch because I have been wrestling with staying upbeat. I mean I’ve been super busy with family and kids and life, but who can’t say that?

Hubby mentioned the other day he hadn’t seen a blog post in awhile. Yeah, it’s true. I have been off the grid a little more than normal, but actually, I kind of like it. It’s hard to be social and happy while grappling with the weights on your shoulders.

Not that cancer isn’t enough of a nasty curve ball, but this crazy pandemic, a country divided, all the hate and evil amongst us.

What happened to us?

What happened to the free and the brave?

What happened to our America the Beautiful?

It’s shameful the only unity we have is we take life for granted. Think about that for a minute.

Well, unless of course you’re dying or terminally ill.

Do you realize ALL the people who are dying of cancer?

I bet those people don’t abuse the life they were given, wasting it away on fighting with their neighbors.

Life is much easier in a bubble.

I’ve never thought of myself as socially shy. I don’t have a problem talking to people, but I do have a problem pretending. And, I do get social anxiety. It takes a lot of effort to put on a smile and pretend I am mentally strong. It takes energy to make everyone believe I am OK when I’m not.

I AM mentally strong. Some days I just don’t want to be.

Living with cancer in your household is emotional. It’s a roller coaster, ups and downs, twists and turns. Even when it’s not front and center, it’s there lurking. Just a thought away, a reminder somewhere you turn.

You live with it, without a choice.

All.

The.

Time.

I am learning to manuever that obstacle. For myself, to support my children, my hubby. I’ve learned if I don’t take care of ME, there won’t be enough to go around.

Family is priority so I hope no one takes it personally when I decline an invite, or seem disengaged, or silent. Sometimes our schedule doesn’t allow for socializing, and other times we would love to hang out. And sometimes, we just aren’t up for company.

It has been a hard few months. Cancer just took one dear soul from us. I know people who recently got diagnosed. I know lots of people who are fighting. And, it all hits too close to home.

There’s a daughter taking a last minute trip to see her dad who is fighting for his life. There’s a mother counting down the debilitating chemo treatments she takes her terminally ill son to every couple of weeks. There’s a wife in the cancer center who is puzzled about how her husband got mesothelioma but was never exposed to the contaminants. There’s the husband grieving for his wife, the children who lost their mother, the women who lost their best friend.

None of them have a choice.

I look at my children, my husband and then in the mirror at myself.

It’s difficult to cope some days, and I can sense the world wanting to crumble around me. All the suffering and pain just floods my head to the point I feel like I’m drowning in it. My head hurts. I’m tired. No energy. No will to do anything.

Some days it’s too much. But, that’s not every day. I’m not going to set up camp there.

Some days are good. Some days I’m motivated and have the drive to conquer the world.

Some people tell me not to focus on all those situations or not to be a part of those cancer groups because it just makes me upset. What they don’t realize is what else it does to me.

It helps me NOT feel so alone.

Summer has been good for me in the sense I can just focus on my family and stay out of any kind of scene. It’s a good distraction to be able to listen to the ocean, sit out and soak up the sun, hang out with my family. It’s been good to make the most out of a bad time in our country by us all just being together.

Some days I’m happy to not share anything or feel vulnerable. I don’t mind sharing when I have my head on straight and the energy to help others; however, when a battle is going on inside my head, it’s hard to help myself much less anyone else.

Sometimes it’s just easier to cope when you stay out of touch.

“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”

Matthew 7:13-14
Posted in Cancer

JULY – Sarcoma Awareness Month

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Do you know what sarcoma is?

When hubby was first diagnosed with cancer it was sort of a shock to hear the long technical name for what he had.

I was like what? What is that?

Then, the doctor began to explain sarcoma is a soft tissue cancer. It was hard for me to wrap my brain around it. My mind was trying to process what I was being told, but I couldn’t quite grasp that the cancer was in his soft tissue, not in his lungs, or liver, or pancreas or something of that sort.

Soft tissue? In my mind, I was thinking, that’s everywhere!

And, literally it can be.

Sarcoma tends to be found in the extremities, but it can be found anywhere in your body. It can be hidden in your abdomen, growing to watermelon size and go unnoticed. It can be in your bones, your blood vessels, your fat cells or any soft tissue.

And, it can literally be anywhere!

For me, the thought of that is a little mind-blowing.

Sarcoma doesn’t discriminate. Not against anyone or in any place.

Young children, teenagers, and elderly people can get it.

And, when they do most of them are in a fight for their life. I am not saying there aren’t survivors of this savage beast, but I feel most would agree it is a war.

There are many factors that contribute to prognosis and another hurdle lies in the fact there are so many subtypes of this disease. Subtype, location of the tumor, and whether the cancer has spread to distant places are all factored in when it comes to treatment and the plan of attack. And, sarcoma isn’t like other carcinoma cancers in the sense that it doesn’t usually respond well to traditional treatments such as chemotherapy.

For me, hubby’s cancer diagnosis was the scariest thing I’ve ever faced. It was like my life flashed in front of me, over and over, without a pause. On one hand I couldn’t believe it was real, couldn’t decipher my feelings, or think about it without stress, worry, tears.

Two years later, I have learned to lean on HOPE, trust that I am on the path I am supposed to be on, and accept some things that I don’t want to admit are reality. I am not going to lie and say it gets easier, that I don’t struggle sometimes daily, or my mind doesn’t wander to that question of Why?

I am not going to say I don’t worry, or stress, or wonder about the future. And, for anyone who believes that’s 100 percent achievable, well, I will let you get back to me about that. If I could shut my mind off, I would. If things could be different, they would be.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. Neither does cancer. It plays by its own set of rules. It may have ahold on hubby’s body, but it doesn’t have a hold on our minds. Unless, we let it.

For me, family, laughter, the ocean, and enjoying the simple things money can’t buy are about as good as it gets. Doing for my family and myself is priority. And, I’ve realized there’s not a lot of precious time for much else, especially when time may not be on your side. xo

6 Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

To learn more about sarcoma cancer, research, or to donate click on the links below: https://gracelovebiscuits.com/sarcoma-2/ https://sarcomaalliance.org https://www.curesarcoma.org

Posted in Cancer, Family

What Cancer Has Taught Me…

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Do you ever feel like you’re going in a million directions?

People used to say they didn’t know how I managed four young children. HA! I find that humorous nowadays.

Four teenaged/almost adult kids, now, that’s a challenge.

Unlike toddlers, their minds are developed. They’ve been exposed to the outside world. They have opinions and real attitudes. They eat more. They are young adults. They still need their mom, but they won’t always admit it.

And, we thought a toddler tantrum had convictions. (Insert laughing/crying emoji.)

Honestly, I love having them all home for the summer. I know those days are far and few between.

June 2018

But!

Some days I feel like I CANNOT get anything accomplished. My routine is out the window. Earlier this week, I spent the better part of the day helping everyone else. I cooked breakfast, I cleaned, I helped with some summer homework, I cooked dinner, and did a multitude of other things, mostly for everyone else. That pretty much took up the rest of the day according to my vague memory .

My weeks have been busy, but like today I cannot figure out what they have been consumed with. Many of my waking hours I feel like I am going through the motions.

And, not consistently in the most productive way.

I think I need a job, but honestly I wonder if it really is what I need. It’s not like I’ve been lying around on the couch all day eating bonbons or sunning on the beach.

I haven’t had an alone minute in I don’t know when.

Until today.

And, I’m behind.

On everything!

But, I’ve found myself fumbling to figure out what it is that needs to be done, first.

I realized a long time ago I thrive in chaos. That’s the reason I consistently volunteered for more than I should have, never learned how to say NO, and most likely why I had four children.

I like to be busy. Too busy!

But, CANCER has taught me a thing or two about all that.

When hubby got sick two years ago all my volunteering halted. I stopped all of it, immediately.

Part of me still wanted to do it, but most of me didn’t.

I wanted to do it for the kids involved, I wanted to do it to help my friends, but I didn’t want to do it for myself anymore.

For once I just wanted to do what I wanted to do, and was best for me.

If cancer has taught me anything it’s that life is too short. It’s too short to worry about all the petty things. It has taught me you can have everything you think you want and still not be happy. It has taught me who my real friends are, and to tighten my circle.

Cancer has taught me to never lose hope, believe in something, and ALWAYS just trust in the Lord because that’s all I really can do.

Cancer has taught me life is hard, an uphill battle, so get used to it. It has taught me to find JOY in every situation and look for the silver lining. It has taught me FAMILY is EVERYTHING, and we always stick together, no matter what.

Cancer has made me realize what’s important and what and who doesn’t matter at all. It has taught me who I can rely on and who I cannot. It has taught me what other people think, say or do doesn’t really matter to me. It has taught me I don’t need anyone’s approval or opinion. It has taught me some people don’t have a place in my world, and I’m OK with that. I’m sorry!

Cancer has taught me so much, but most importantly, cancer has made me realize how thankful I am for my children. I know the Lord knew what he was doing when He gave me four healthy babies.

I will protect them, fight for them, and support them. Always!

Against anything and anyone!

They may not always be perfect, but I love them.

And, they are mine. xo

“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.’”

Proverbs 31:28-29
Posted in Cancer

A Time to Mourn

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

The life of being married to a cancer patient has taken me down a path that has humbled me, exemplified my faith, strengthened me in more ways than I knew existed, and introduced me to people I would never have known otherwise.

Being a regular at the cancer center has acquainted me with the same familiar faces week after week, month after month. I have had some people touch my life who are gone now, but not forgotten. I have made friends I stay in touch with and wondered about others I never see. This illness has impacted my life in more ways than I can explain, but also, it has taught me there is more to life than what’s on the surface.

Much more.

I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone, but knowing the people who are facing the same difficult obstacles brings a sort of comfort to the situation. It makes me realize none of us are fighting alone. We are all cheering each other on, and we are in this together.

When another cancer patient has a setback, we all experience the punch. We can relate. We feel it in the gut. It hurts.

We are rooting for the same results. Clear margins, remission, NED, a miracle. We are supporting each other, begging for success, hoping for clear scans, praying for a cure.

And sometimes, we don’t get it. Sometimes we lose, and all that’s left is grief.

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;”

Ecclesiastes 3:4

Grief is a funny thing. In all the sadness we look for sunshine. We search for the good and the happy and all the ways possible to figure out how to make our hearts not ache.

There are moments we feel we cannot breathe, or muster up enough strength to push forward. The minutes become hours and the hours run together with the days into a blur, living in the midst of a broken heart. There’s no glue that can fix that, or so we think.

Sometimes it is hard to see what is right in front of us. The people surrounding us that love us, grieve with us. Our precious children, our friends, our family. They all weep with us and for us when we lose someone we love.

It is hard to recognize in that instant we have moments and memories to fill the void. Sometimes we just need a minute to process it all, to mourn, to find peace, to be sad. Just for awhile we need to grieve for what we have lost.

I believe in all my heart grief has a silver lining. In my mind, in the very center of it there is a bright light. I imagine it to be the brightest light ever, one that isn’t blinding, that brings a sense of comfort and peace. One that warms my heart, brings a smile to my face, one that offers contentment and eases my mind, calms my heart and soul.

I imagine serenity will come in time. The sorrow will subside. The heart will slowly mend.

I pray for us all that the silver lining will always reveal itself and that in the midst of our grief the Lord will soothe our souls and give us the strength we need to go on. Today, I pray for all those who mourn. xo

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Matthew 5:4

Heaven gained a beautiful soul, an Angel today. It hits too close to home, but I was lucky to know her, to call her a fellow baseball mom, a friend, a great supporter. She undoubtedly gave me a comfort I never revealed to her, a courage, a sense of strength, and a feeling that I was never alone. I hated what she must be going through as a mother, a wife, a cancer patient, but from my perspective she was the epitome of strength, grace, and beauty. She comforted my soul, made my loneliness subside, and soothed my broken heart in some unexplainable way. Her and her family are like a mirror of mine, facing many of the same hurdles and pain on our individual paths. Many days I thought of her, prayed for her, and imagined we must each be able to relate to the other’s spouse during our separate journeys. Today, I pray for her family, her friends and all those who knew her. May she rest in peace. #sarahstrong #ocockstrong

Posted in Cancer

CANCER

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Hebrews 11:1

What’s there to say?

Everyone dreads the word when they hear it. We all want to think positive thoughts, believe we can beat it, hope we will be the one to defeat the odds. But in the end is that possible?

Really, what’s there to say?

My heart is broken. It breaks a little bit more every time I hear about someone I know having cancer, sickened with cancer, their body weakening or suffering from this horrible disease that seems to run rampant throughout our lives.

Every time I hear of another prey, another sad story, another loss it hits closer to home. It eats away at me a little bit more.

Will it ever stop?

Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Matthew 17:20

Many don’t realize cancer sets the stage. The effects of this monster wreak havoc on its victims, their families, and everyone around them. It creates complication after complication until a healthy figure is battered and wounded. Not only do they have to fight the cancer, but every complication that comes with it. Every new hurdle it creates.

Hurdle after hurdle. We fight one after another, with no end in sight.

At some point in this battle, I’m not exactly sure when, I realized this is the new way of life. It is a fight from here on out, one that we will battle no matter how tired we get. It’s like I hold my breath until the next scan, the next treatment, the next round. And, with every step there comes a new revelation.

It’s an emotional life to live.

Last night, I changed the bandage I change every night, tears filling my eyes as I know the healing is a distant reality if at all. My tears are for all..all those who suffer, all those I can relate to, and for my husband, our family.

Once cancer attacks you or your spouse or your child it is like it’s inside you. You are living with it, it’s in your house, and it is a constant reminder. It consumes every minute of your day, every thought. It steals your peace, tugs at your sanity, plays with your emotions. It hides, it attacks, it doesn’t play fair, and it has no empathy.

Cancer, you’re always on my mind. You exhaust me, drain me at times. You attempt to steal my joy, rob me of sleep, and fill me with worry. You are the devil on my back.

Maybe there is no escape, but I will not lose my faith. I will fight you until the end.

Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.”

Psalms 103:2-4 

I pray for strength and healing and miracles. I pray for God to spare us from this battle. I pray for the others I know who are on this path. I pray for their families and for their souls. I pray for my husband, and I pray for my children. Many nights I fall asleep in the middle of my prayers, but I will still pray.

I will pray to the very end. And then, I will pray some more. xo

Posted in Cancer, Devotional

Helpless

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Do you ever feel helpless?

I find myself feeling helpless often these days. The unknowns, the whys, the hurdles. All of it just keeps mounding.

With every page we turn, we encounter another issue. Every phase presents us with another obstacle.

I guess I always believe if we can get through one hindrance the situation will get better. In reality, each barrier just introduces an unfamiliar stumbling block, and we start over in a different direction.

The sadness to all the realities we face is one day the barrier will deal us an impediment we can’t get around, and we will run out of new directions.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.”

Psalm 34:18-19

I know all my prayer warrior friends are disappointed in my weakness, but life got a little more real for us this week and sometimes the thought of that is just too much. Those serious heart to hearts on the two-hour drive home from the Cancer Center prove to leave me with a lump in my throat, an ache in the bottom of my stomach and an ocean of uncried tears.

I’m sorry, but if you haven’t walked in my shoes please don’t judge me. Don’t tell me how to feel, or tell me to pray harder or give me that wise piece of advice. Just for a selfish minute let me wallow in my own self pity.

Let me feel bad for myself. Let me be negative. Let me question God. Just for a minute let me be.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

Hebrews 4:16

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.”

Philippians 2:12-13

Posted in Self Help

Early Morning Thoughts

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

It’s an early morning for me. Ironically, my favorite time when the house is quiet, and I am alone with my thoughts in spite of the fact I’m not at all an early riser. I’m a night owl, but I love my sleep when it decides to finally come to me.

This morning I awoke early, unable to rest, my mind flooded with worry and thoughts of everything I’m dealing with in life. The mounding stack of medical bills to pay, the incessant virus, the relentless quarantine, unable to see my

distant family, my daughter still away, cancer, kids, and on and on my mind spiraling out of control.

How did my sanity get here this early? Sometimes I can feel my thoughts reeling as I’m sleeping. And how do I know this? I awake restless, tense with my thoughts racing. I just know.

The bedlam in my life creates a perfect storm in my head. So many obstacles to overcome. Thoughts of the future, what tomorrow brings and what yesterday has done.

The commotion puts me on overload. I have been crying inside for days, at moments unable to hold back the tears, the pain, the brokenness I feel inside. My shoulders feel heavy, my heart aches, I have a pit in my stomach.

It happens every so often. I go through an ungovernable cycle.

Many times it begins the week we travel to the Cancer Center, the mental exhaustion sets in, impressions are made resulting in realities of the situation. Like a balloon it gets bigger and bigger, so full until it finally bursts.

Most would tell me to pray, trust in God, have faith. And, I’m telling you I do.

A year ago the process was debilitating, but time and hope, friends and faith have led me to the place I now reside. I’m better, really I am.

For those who have never walked in my shoes and even know all that I am dealing with, it is a load to process. I simply cannot just dump it all at once without sorting it out inside my brain. At times I feel like I must declutter and try to process what exactly I am dealing with before I can hand it over.

As some would say, it’s just the way I’m wired.

I read a lot. Not books lately, but a lot of everything else. A cluster of topics including cancer, ailments within my family, devotions and quotes, spiritual works and anything else that my mind makes me wonder about.

This morning, I can’t sleep and contrary to everything running through my mind my thoughts revert back to God. 

Regardless of the mountain in front of me, I have so much to be grateful for. Simple things that easily get overlooked. More money needs to go out than is coming in, but we still have the obvious necessities of life…food, a roof and don’t forget toilet paper.

My daughter is safe with friends and family who will look out for her. She is not alone, and I will get her home soon, one way or another.

I can still talk to my family, even though I can’t see all of them right now. They are here with me. 

For the most part my children are healthy. I have friends, family and people who check in on me. There’s a sweet teacher friend who brought us a delicious dinner, has been there if I need an ear and helped with something I mistakenly forgot. She has made me gracious with her caring and kindness.

And, I have so much love and appreciation for everyone who has chosen to be a part of my world. It is not an easy task to be my friend right now, but a few have remained irregardless.

I have hope, I have faith. And, I have the Lord. I am blessed in so many ways, and there’s an abundance of gratitude in spite of it all.

Life is full of battles, and heartbreak and pain and struggles, but if I look closer it’s full of so much more. There is room for my grateful heart.

Life is difficult. It is mostly uphill. Remember that.

The sooner I accepted it, the easier it got and my expectations changed. We cannot alter life to fit our wants and needs. Most of the time it alters us.

Life is a challenge in our changing world filled with turmoil, selfishness and disgrace. It’s a reminder what we should seek the most are not the objects many of us desire.

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”

Matthew 6:33
Posted in Cancer, Family, Self Help

Optimism, Realism

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Do you ever think about dying?

It’s a topic no one willingly likes to discuss, but yet it’s the end and the beginning to our life. This week I’ve been thinking about it more and more.

I don’t know why.

But, it’s on my mind often, and that scares me a little.

25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

John 11:25-26

Today, I was chatting with an old high school friend over text, and I asked about her dad. Her mom passed away two years ago, and I told her I hate to think our parents are at that age.

She said, “…it’s so hard to think about. We spend our whole childhood wishing time away and then wake up one day and wonder where it went.”

My grandmother lived until her late 90s. My Pawpaw until his mid 90s and my Granny until 90. That’s some longevity in my family, but there have been others who died young.

I wondered what is really “that age.”

Yesterday, on the way home from the Cancer Center, hubby and I had a consequential discussion. Normally, when I ask him to talk about his feelings he says, “What are feelings?” It’s his wittiness, but he doesn’t talk about feelings much unless I am upset, he’s talking about cancer or our family.

We discuss death. And, like I explored with him yesterday and my friend today, there is no such thing as “that age.” That age can be 5, 25, 55 or 95.

As hubby told me, he will die when it’s his time, when the good Lord decides, and there is no worry in that.

God takes us when He is ready to take us. Yes, there are miracles, but perhaps God only grants those once in a while and saves them for special circumstances?

I realized on our drive home, hubby believes in miracles, he just doesn’t believe there’s one for him.

Society looks at dying in regards to life expectancy, but that’s not how dying happens. We expect to live until 80. We are blessed to live into our 90s. And, if we die before “our time” we say it’s too soon.

No one wants to see a mother lose a child. A wife lose her husband. A child lose his parent.

We have no say in who gets cancer, has a fatal accident or loses someone they love. We all have an expiration date, and sadly, not all of them are as lengthy as others.

We are not born with a guarantee on life, or how long we will walk on Earth.

Rarely, do I have this conversation with others; however, hubby and I have these disconcerting talks often. These circumstance are not necessarily planned for, but in this situation they are inevitable. I don’t always understand how he is so at peace, but he is and for that I am grateful. For myself, there is still a lack of acceptance, a disquiet about my children where my heart is impaired.

I know it is hard for my friends and family to understand. As my daughter alluded to, there are times we sense something is coming and catch ourselves just waiting for the other shoe to drop. We take aim at positivity, but in the back of our mind we are searching for level headedness.

Being a realist and being optimistic are not always the same nor do the two invariably go together. I think it is hard for someone trying to encourage us to stay positive to comprehend how we walk a fine line within the two. I understand, my husband understands, my children understand, but to others they don’t always understand.

It is difficult for everyone to decipher the thought process and the task of protecting the heart. It’s hard to be positive, pray for a miracle and accept the facts, the odds, and the reality of a situation. Somewhere in that mix we have to find a happy medium where our heart can safely flourish. A place we can live comfortably, a place we can accept whatever is handed to us and be able to survive the outcome.

Maybe some of you don’t view this as a sense of positivity, but at some point we find ourselves seeking a survival mode. Just maybe, we weigh on the cautious side. We have to live in a sector where we can manuever our path, even in heart-rending times.

That means preparing for the worst, while hoping and praying for the best.

All we need from everyone else is to pray for us. xo

17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.18 Therefore encourage one another with these words.”

 1 Thessalonians 4:17-18

Posted in Cancer, Self Help

Effects

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

My son woke me up at 2:30 am this morning. That was definitely OK, but I had a hard time falling back asleep.

Who doesn’t have a lot on their mind lately, right?

I’ve been worrying about the usual life conflicts these days along with this virus, but more recently I’ve been focused on other issues.

Some of them have to do with the chemo treatments my husband is receiving right now and the effects those treatments are having on him, mentally and physically.

I read about “chemo brain” and “chemo rage” and his well being and how he is doing with all this concerns me. Many cannot understand how all this makes me feel, and I cannot understand what he feels. It is a vicious mind game that wears on my sanity.

Never mind the obvious effects of this horrible disease, the effects it has on your body as it invades it and the effects of the treatment to try to stop it. He and I are both battling from different ends of the spectrum. And then, there are our children.

I want to fight this, but this illness, the responsibilities and the effects bring a whole new level of stress to our lives, which in turn requires a higher level of faith, trust and hope.

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. 3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 23:1-4

I cannot explain the overwhelming moments, days, weeks I have as a mom and wife being responsible for a household, finances and taking care of someone I so desperately want to get through this without the added worries of life.

Being a caregiver is difficult, and if you’ve never lived that life 24/7 you can only imagine what it’s like.

I gladly accept my job, the challenge, because it is what I need to do, but I am not going to lie….this is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do in my life.

I know I need to just give it to God, but like I said this has all moved to a higher level. It’s time to up my game.

With all the new challenges this virus has brought to us I feel engulfed in yet another battle. A life altering one that makes me sometimes feel as if I’m in a pool of water, caught in a current spinning out of control and about to be sucked down a drain.

Helpless.

I don’t know if any of you ever feel this way, but sometimes I get so inundated with what’s going on around me, I forget to stop and ask God for help. Instead, I’m grasping for anything to hold on to as my mind takes over, and I lose sight of the very fact that I have the power to stop the thought process.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family time, having my kids home and sharing the dinner hour with everyone, BUT sometimes I need a break.

We are supposed to be social distancing, right?

I miss going to lunch with my friends, spending an hour to go out and take my time at the grocery, or just browsing the craft store or a shop or two. I miss my “me time,” every few months getting my hair done and getting together with the people I miss so much .

For a girl who feels lonely in a crowd of people on many days, I seriously could use some alone time right now. And, don’t judge, but I just mean some time to get away from the daily grind and recharge.

A caregiver, a mom, a wife. Some days the jobs all run together. Driving to appointments, being the cook, the cleaner, the bill payer and everything else that involves running a household and taking care of a sick patient and kids. Sometimes I just want to refocus my brain and think of something else, something fun or happy, or maybe think of nothing.

Don’t get me wrong, my kids are great at helping around the house and doing chores, and I appreciate everything they do. My most favorite job in life is being a mom, but we are just so out of our routine. Some days I welcome staying home, in my comfort zone, and others I just want to get out.

On days we go to Duke I dread the drive, but it’s a time I look forward to getting out of the house. On the other hand, it’s mentally exhuasting being at the Cancer Center and physically exhausting getting up early, traveling and getting little sleep.

It’s a balancing act I need to control and perfect. I need to work harder at gettting myself on a new schedule, find a new norm in these coming days and just tell myself to relax and breathe.

I know I am stronger than I imagine, and the Lord is the one who will help me through.

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2