Posted in Cancer, Self Help

Effects

My son woke me up at 2:30 am this morning. That was definitely OK, but I had a hard time falling back asleep.

Who doesn’t have a lot on their mind lately, right?

I’ve been worrying about the usual life conflicts these days along with this virus, but more recently I’ve been focused on other issues.

Some of them have to do with the chemo treatments my husband is receiving right now and the effects those treatments are having on him, mentally and physically.

I read about “chemo brain” and “chemo rage” and his well being and how he is doing with all this concerns me. Many cannot understand how all this makes me feel, and I cannot understand what he feels. It is a vicious mind game that wears on my sanity.

Never mind the obvious effects of this horrible disease, the effects it has on your body as it invades it and the effects of the treatment to try to stop it. He and I are both battling from different ends of the spectrum. And then, there are our children.

I want to fight this, but this illness, the responsibilities and the effects bring a whole new level of stress to our lives, which in turn requires a higher level of faith, trust and hope.

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. 3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 23:1-4

I cannot explain the overwhelming moments, days, weeks I have as a mom and wife being responsible for a household, finances and taking care of someone I so desperately want to get through this without the added worries of life.

Being a caregiver is difficult, and if you’ve never lived that life 24/7 you can only imagine what it’s like.

I gladly accept my job, the challenge, because it is what I need to do, but I am not going to lie….this is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do in my life.

I know I need to just give it to God, but like I said this has all moved to a higher level. It’s time to up my game.

With all the new challenges this virus has brought to us I feel engulfed in yet another battle. A life altering one that makes me sometimes feel as if I’m in a pool of water, caught in a current spinning out of control and about to be sucked down a drain.

Helpless.

I don’t know if any of you ever feel this way, but sometimes I get so inundated with what’s going on around me, I forget to stop and ask God for help. Instead, I’m grasping for anything to hold on to as my mind takes over, and I lose sight of the very fact that I have the power to stop the thought process.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family time, having my kids home and sharing the dinner hour with everyone, BUT sometimes I need a break.

We are supposed to be social distancing, right?

I miss going to lunch with my friends, spending an hour to go out and take my time at the grocery, or just browsing the craft store or a shop or two. I miss my “me time,” every few months getting my hair done and getting together with the people I miss so much .

For a girl who feels lonely in a crowd of people on many days, I seriously could use some alone time right now. And, don’t judge, but I just mean some time to get away from the daily grind and recharge.

A caregiver, a mom, a wife. Some days the jobs all run together. Driving to appointments, being the cook, the cleaner, the bill payer and everything else that involves running a household and taking care of a sick patient and kids. Sometimes I just want to refocus my brain and think of something else, something fun or happy, or maybe think of nothing.

Don’t get me wrong, my kids are great at helping around the house and doing chores, and I appreciate everything they do. My most favorite job in life is being a mom, but we are just so out of our routine. Some days I welcome staying home, in my comfort zone, and others I just want to get out.

On days we go to Duke I dread the drive, but it’s a time I look forward to getting out of the house. On the other hand, it’s mentally exhuasting being at the Cancer Center and physically exhausting getting up early, traveling and getting little sleep.

It’s a balancing act I need to control and perfect. I need to work harder at gettting myself on a new schedule, find a new norm in these coming days and just tell myself to relax and breathe.

I know I am stronger than I imagine, and the Lord is the one who will help me through.

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2

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