Tag: Cancer

Posted in Cancer, Self Help

There is Light

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Is everyone feeling a little more anxious today? Overwhelmed?

With the latest announcement of school closing until May 15, I imagine many of us are banging our heads against a wall asking, WHY?

We want to go to work, go to school, have teachers teach in a classroom, work from our workplace office, go to the gym, the grocery store, church, baseball games and parties. Can’t we just get back to normal?

Honestly, I want more than anything for life to get back to normal. But, I’ve been praying for life to get back to normal for a long, long time. Our family has been practicing some social distancing on and off, during flu season, chemo and infections.

My husband is fighting cancer for his life, and I have this pit in my stomach. This pandemic is just upping the game!

In the back of my mind, I’m worried about this virus and my family being around someone who may have been exposed. At first I didn’t cut my children off 100 percent from their friends, allowing some outdoor interaction and a visit here and there. It has been hard, but honestly, the last 609 days have been hard.

This virus scares me more and more everyday, but to tell the truth, cancer is what is scaring me the most. It’s spiraling out of control and this beast won’t stop. Nothing has stopped it. NOTHING! And, there’s no mad dash to find a vaccine or a cure or even the cause.

609 Days!

Days consumed with stress, worry, tears, restfulness, concern. Many of those days involved clinic or hospital visits, travel, setbacks and uneasiness.

But, all of those days involved blessings and prayers, love, family, and thankfulness. Some had laughter, some had tears, but there was continuous gratitude for God.

10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

Some of us go through private storms others don’t have to experience. Some of us go through storms as a community, a state, a nation or a world. And, some of us are going through both.

Negativity spreads like wildfire. Complaining creates chaos. The “blame game” doesn’t solve a thing. We are all doing the best we can in these uncharted waters so just STOP complaining and blaming everyone. Just stop! It’s not what our society needs and it’s not what our kids need.

Our children are struggling with school abruptly ending, no sports, no prom, and maybe no graduation. Their futures are lingering in the unknown, and just maybe they need us to remain calm and positive.

It’s understandable because each of us has unknowns in our life. We all have struggles, but we just need to show some compassion. Display a little humility. Count our blessings.

Turn off the TV, step away from social media and just for a little while step away from the commotion, enjoy family and partake in some fun. Get our minds off the negative and be thankful for what we have. Help our children through it.

It really could be worse, but we can get through this.

Find our message in our mess!

Be Humble and Kind!

Choose Faith over Fear!

Find Joy!

Maybe we can’t create total Peace on Earth! But, we can show a little kindness, be a good friend or neighbor, help our children through the uncertainties, and surround ourselves with positivity.

Be optimistic, there is light at the end of the tunnel. We just have to look for it.

Posted in Cancer

Essentials Only

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Do you ever just have a bad feeling about something? 

You just know it in your gut because you feel the start of this uneasiness. That’s me.

 It’s like clockwork, like the rise and fall of a breathing machine. My journey is consumed with unexpected twists and turns, and I never know what’s going to jump out in front of me next and send me in a tailspin.

Everyone has been worrying about this crazy virus, but me, I’ve been worrying about this crazy cancer. And, let me tell you sarcoma is an unforgiving beast with a strength that is unknown to men.

The fierceness it has is unimaginable, like “the terminator,” unleashing fury and regenerating itself. It fights back harder than you know, with an unstoppable force. It’s scary because nothing seems to kill it, not for long if at all.

I can only imagine what it looks like under a microscope, from one day to the next, taking over and consuming everything in its path like an evil force.

I’m sitting here in the ER parking lot crying in the car alone, as my husband is in the ER alone getting treated. It is without my knowledge of who is the doctor or what they are doing. And that, that is unsettling to me.

I am his caregiver. He is the father of my children. I have been right there the whole way, going through this as if it is me fighting for my life.

Those of you who know my story know this is unsettling to me and you know why. I don’t want him to be here, but it’s the best option at the moment. I have no control, and I can’t stand it.

I understand this virus is serious, and I understand the why of where I am right now. But, I don’t have to like the fact he is alone in there, and I am out here.

I’m not judging any of you, but if you are out doing non-essential things please stop. Please?

Trust me, you don’t want to need medical care right now. You don’t want to go to the hospital and be alienated from your family. Believe me when I say it’s not a feeling you want to experience at the moment

Have you even thought about that?

Our family has been fighting this cancer for 606 days…TOGETHER!

13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

James 5:13-16

I bet our healthcare providers, ER workers, first responders, and all those other essential people want to sleep at night and not worry about infecting their families. People, please stay home so this will go away because I don’t wish my today on anyone. xo

#ocockstrong

Posted in Cancer

Cancer and a Virus

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

March 12, 2020

As I sit here in the radiology waiting room I look around. Surrounded by the sick, cancer patients, and those struggling through life. The television plays in the background with uninterrupted talk of the coronavirus, cancellations, travel warnings and threats to our everyday world and economy.

Have we all not suffered enough lately? Broken dreams for some of us, private struggles, lots of tears, lots of unknowns, unusual school semesters, family illnesses and life as we always knew it…gone in an instant. It’s a lot to handle, to digest to even think about. There are no words for the pain, uneasiness, regret, and heartbreak. I want life to just be normal, but sadly none of us know what that even is anymore.

I know our family isn’t the only one grappling with reality, but can’t we just make all this stop? Can’t we just catch a break? Can the hurt just cease?

My heart aches for my children. Dealing with their dad being ill is hard enough, but now everywhere we turn things are “messed up.” I keeping asking why and then I stop and remind myself how I need to pray harder.

A feeling of doom enters my space and I stop. Just stop! I know the devil likes it too much and he’s the last one I will give in to. Anger consumes me, and I feel like screaming. I will NEVER let him get to me…EVER.

8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

1 Peter 5:8-9

I looked back at that quick journal entry I wrote last week while in the cancer center and think about how I felt that day and now what it means to me reading it today. It had a significant meaning that day, and today it has another one as well. Fighting cancer is a lot like fight this virus. We are all at the start of a path that we have no idea where it leads.

I’ve already lived one day like that before. I’m not really excited to relive it. This round is a little like a double-edged sword for us.

Uncertainty, unknowns, and fears. Not to mention those who hoard, talk of conspiracy, and the economy. I wish we had the choice to ignore the warnings, go about our business, think this is media hype, but we don’t. And, in all honesty we can’t afford for anyone else to think that way either.

I’m concerned about new diagnoses, upcoming treatments, and honestly how this all is going to play out. Not for the virus, but for the cancer. How is one going to affect the other?

We are in cancer treatment mode. Everything else is just an unwanted bonus that we don’t need or want.

If things do get bad who’s going to get turned away if the medical facilities are too full? Who’s going to get the respirators and who’s going to get the last bed for treatment?

I’ve heard elective surgeries will be postponed, but will chemo treatments get administered or put off? Will scans get done in a timely manner? If you can comprehend how nodules double in size in two months, you probably realize someone may not have time on their side. This virus has the potential to provide roadblocks for the seriously ill.

It’s a lot to think about, and a lot to try NOT to worry about. But, the fact of the matter is…I do.

Posted in Self Help

Sorry

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Old friends, current friends, new friends. How well do you stay in touch with them? Better yet how often are you the one initiating contact?

I was the friend who was good at communicating. Good at remembering birthdays and special occasions. Good at sending cards or presents. Good at staying in touch. Always hosting parties and planning get togethers.

Eventually, that me faded into the darkness. Perhaps, the darkness I live amongst these days.

I don’t do a very good job at calling anyone lately. I rarely send birthday cards anymore, and I’m doing well if you get a text on your actual birthday.

Don’t take it personal. It’s not about you at all. Trust me.

And, I’m sorry.

One of my college roommates visited me this past weekend, and it was so great to see her. I wish we lived closer and could meet on a whim for lunch. We stay in touch. Not as much as I would like to, but as much as I’m capable of at the moment. It’s not that I don’t want to talk more, see her more, communicate better, it’s just that I don’t intiate it often enough.

I’m not going to say I don’t have time. I could make time. We always make time for what or WHO is important to us if we are honest. At the moment, I just don’t want to always do it. Maybe I need to, maybe I should, but some days I just can’t.

She works, she has a husband, she has a life. She gets it. She assured me she is always there for me, always available to talk, has a spare room if we need a place to stay overnight. But, she said she doesn’t always know what to say and doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. She’s a great listener, so she listens, encourages and is supportive.

Like I told her, you don’t have to say anything.

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 17:17

I appreciate all the calls and text messages I get from my friends and family. I welcome them, I really do. I don’t appreciate the ones who just want the story. I’m not trying to hurt any feelings, I’m just being real. And, if I’m anything right now, I’m real. Sorry if that steps on any toes, but like I said, it’s not about you.

My life is full of ups and downs. There are only a few people who I talk to on a regular basis, who keep me grounded, and I’m pretty sure you know who you are. It’s just the way it is.

I won’t deny I need a village. I need a village of encouragement, of prayers, of constant positivity. I need a village of support for my kids, of understanding, of compassion, of caring hearts and constant praying.

And, if you’re part of my village, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Like I said, I love hearing from my friends, getting text messages or voicemails from you; know that I’m just not always good at communicating back right now and being the best kind of friend. I have good intentions. But, like I said don’t take it personal, it’s not about you.

Please keep the text messages, the voicemails, the “hey I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you,” or the “you are on my mind and in my prayers” messages coming. I like hearing from my friends, I really do.

I want all of you to know I will be here for you if you need me. I will listen to you cry about the fight you had with your husband. I will give you a hug and tell you it’s going to be fine when your son tells you he hates living at home. I will always be here for you to listen to your problems, let you vent, give you a hug, go to lunch with you, or whatever it is you need. I really will.

I’m not too busy for my friends. Not too wrapped up in my own problems. And, my problems aren’t more important than yours. My problems are just mine, and they consume me every day. They sidetrack me with distractions, but I’m here.

Some days, I live in another world all by myself. One that just grips me like a vise. I get lost in my own mind. A place I imagine is similiar to what Hell is like, a dark pit where I am just spiraling out of control, falling to the bottom of an endless pit.

It’s OK. I don’t go there as often as I once did. More often now, I pray and talk to God.

When we first got the cancer diagnosis I told some friends, but didn’t tell everyone. Of course people wanted to know what was going on, but I didn’t want to talk about it. I needed some space on the subject, I needed some time to digest it all.

By the next spring pretty much everyone knew and I felt I couldn’t go to the grocery without someone approaching me. Sometimes it was without any very nice thought out words, but hey, I know it’s hard to know what to say. Sometimes, I just don’t want to talk about it.

Anyway, when we got bad news again last summer, I turned into a hermit-like person, and stayed away from everyone. It made life easier in some ways, but I felt alienated from my own world. I guess because I was in a sense and in another dark place.

It’s kind of like being at that party, underdressed with everyone looking at you, talking under their breath, wondering what you are doing there anyway. All of a sudden you are in the spotlight, up on a tight rope, alone and without a net. No where to go and no one to catch you.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I’m sorry I don’t talk more in the group chat, I’m sorry I don’t go to lunch always. I’m sorry we don’t come for the get togethers. I’m sorry for everything.

I have good intentions of always doing things, being a part of socializing and in the crowd. Some days I would just rather be alone in my own house, than alone in a crowd.

It has been too long since I’ve seen my daughters. My child had the flu twice within a month, is still working on getting well, over an illness. We have college visits and college decisions, we have sports, we have other family worries, and we have all the normal concerns of a family. Just like everyone else.

And then, we have cancer.

I’m sorry if I’m not as friendly as I should be. I’m sorry I don’t engage in small talk. I’m sorry if it seems awkward at times to be around me. Please don’t feel like you have to treat me any differently if you see me at the ball field or the grocery or anywhere. Don’t be obliged to talk about anything in particular or bring up the elephant in the room. Just act normal. It’s OK, you aren’t suppose to say anything in particular or know what to say.

That goes for all of my family, too.

None of us know how to act, how to avoid the obvious. We are just doing our best to be an ordinary family.

Any kind of normality is our aim.

And, that elephant in the room? We are just dealing with him one bite at a time.

xo