On this Road

Is anyone else happy to see October?

I will admit I’m a summer girl, and I hate nothing more than saying goodbye to the season.

BUT, this year (as if it could get any worse…no, I did not just say that) September was about to do me in. It was about to do the whole family in.

Definitely, not a month I want to include in the best memories.

I have been spending so much time making sure everyone else is OK that I’ve neglected myself. The last month and a half I knew I was slipping back into that hole I spent so much time dragging myself out of earlier this year. I have known I needed to step up, stop the process, and do something about it before I was consumed with that darkness.

Some days I would find myself in a daze, wondering where the hours went, looking back in search of the time that had escaped. At times, I felt as if I was in a dream, unable to speak or comprehend what was happening around me. Wathcing in slow motion as my days disappeared without much recollection.

My mind couldn’t focus on anything because it was too crowded with “stuff.”

Worry. Guilt. Sorrow. Pain. Heartache. Confusion.

The judging, the thinking, the feeligs just go on and on.

I have been thinking…get a real job (but who even wants to hire me), find a new hobby (but what this time), come up with something to do that makes me happy (but what is happy).

The truth is I don’t know where to start, where to continue, or when to give it up. Read that sentence again.

Yeah, I know. It makes no sense. Imagine that inside your head?

Today, while reading my devotional, it dawned on me I’m not really ready for some things. I know I’m too fragile minded to handle some situations or tasks. Maybe it’s not my turn, and maybe that’s OK.

As I told my aunt today, I realize God really does know what he’s doing when things don’t transpire in the time you want them to happen. I’ve been at home, with my son, and that’s where I’ve needed to be. Sometimes things just happen for a reason. Sometimes they happen the way they are suppose to happen.

A part of me has this tug at my soul. As I’m navigating my way through the twists and turns of this path I’m on, I’m feeling my way through the darkness. At times, I feel the light shining down on me, and at those seconds I can see clearly. Other moments I find myself in the dark, lost, disoriented, not realizing if I’m moving forward or backwards.

I know two years ago God put me on this track. I sensed it then, and I know it now. My life took that turn for a purpose.

To do good. To make a difference. To make an impact.

I have grown inpatient trying to decipher the reasoning while attempting the navigation of my route. I know I am close, because I can feel it in my heart, yet, I cannot interpret the nebulous message.

I find myself struggling to see clearly and concentrate, like awakening from a vague dream. I sense it buried somewhere within me, one day divulging itself like a melodramatic revelation.

I can close my eyes and feel the anxiety climb from the pit in my stomach. The anticipation high, my patience scattered, and my quest near.

One deep breath after another and all in due time.

Plenty can happen on this road we’re on.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Psalm 23:2-3