Category: Self Help

Ever felt helpless to the point you almost lose hope?

Today, I actually almost feel that way. But, not in the way you’re probably thinking.

Have you ever felt so helpless when it comes to your children that you’re crying inside? Yep, me too. It’s a common trait for a mother, right?

The worst feeling in the world for a mother is hoping so desperately you’re able to fix something, and at the same time knowing you can’t.

Someone once told me you can’t lose hope because if you don’t have hope you don’t have anything. I look back to that particular time and almost make myself laugh because hard times and struggles from the past are nothing compared to what I’m going through now. And, I thought that was rock bottom?

I don’t know if I should drop to my knees and laugh or cry. Honestly, someone else always has it harder. Life isn’t fair, and I’m pretty sure no one ever told us it would be. If they did, they lied. 

Last week during Bible study everyone asked about my blog so I was explaining what it’s about and why I’m doing it. A few signs and a serious discernment is all it took for me to push forward.

I went through a period of being mad at God for so many things. I prayed, I read devotions, and I asked for strength daily. I also cried a lot and asked, Why? I was trying so hard to understand why I was being punished, why my children were suffering, and why all this is happening.

29 He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
31 But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:29-31

It is hard to stand in the middle of tragedy and heartbreak and admit that bad things have to happen. Ironically, I do believe sometimes they have to happen in order for there to be good in our lives. It doesn’t always make sense, but for me I just had this realization one day that this is all happening for a reason. I am suppose to take it and do good with it.

Often, I have to stop and remind myself life is not always wonderful, and we were never promised it would be. We were never promised exceptional people wouldn’t suffer.

Stop thinking life always owes us happiness. Stop thinking we deserve anything more than what we get.

When we look at it from the Lord’s perspective we slowly see that we don’t have a right to be mad about anything that’s taken away from us. Some have given up and sacrificed way more than we can imagine. What makes us feel we have a right to be angry?

At some point maybe we all have to make our own sacrifices even if they are not our choosing. We were never promised eternal life on Earth. The best we can do is have hope and accept the fate we have been dealt.

We can pray for mercy, pray for healing, pray for miracles, but ultimately we should pray for peace. As adults it is sometimes hard for us to accept, and essentially even harder for our children. It is human instinct for us to want to protect them, but better yet we need to help them understand what we know in our hearts.

Finding peace will not make us forget the pain, or even suffer less, but it can help us heal and accept God’s will. With our children we can’t give up on hope, and at times we have to carry them even when they don’t ask us.

As a mother I have more strength than my children will ever realize, times four. They have seen me in my weak moments, but they are yet to see me in my strongest.

God gives me strength every day because I ask him for it, and if they are too weak I will ask him for strength for them, too.

And, we all know…if you can help someone, then help them. xo

Do you ever look back on the past and think something seems like it was forever ago? Sometimes that’s how I feel about the last two years. I think it’s because I’ve felt like I’m living double time. Living in actual time while also living for what’s to come. And, I will tell you…it wears you out quickly. It can be like treading water in a way. You’re worn out, but you haven’t gone anywhere.

So much has happened in two short years, and at times I feel like I’m still in the same place trying to fight the same battles. And, in a way I am. They say time heals all wounds, but does it really? Time has gone by, but has it really healed anything?

Day 62

Sept. 26, 2018

It has been 62 days since I found out my husband has cancer. And, it is Day 16 of radiation.

It seems like we have been going to the Cancer Center for months, maybe even years. The days and weeks are running together. I am reliving day after day just like the one before it.

Will it ever end?

Someone asked me today when will it be over? It will NEVER be over! Ever! I will live with this for the rest of my life in some capacity. Maybe not like today, but in some way that has been transformed.

My emotions are on the roller coaster today. I’ve cried a few times, looked at him from afar and stopped myself from wondering if he is going to die. I can’t help it! It’s a scary thought I push to the back of my mind, but I’m scared of the unknown.

Why is this happening to us? Am I being punished?

I miss my boys! I miss my girls! I miss my life!

I feel detached from my world. I cannot believe we are going through a bout with cancer and the aftermath of a natural disaster. Hurricane Flo has turned our upside down world upside down yet again. And again, I want to know why?

In the cancer center today it was hard not to be sad for all the people going through this ugly ordeal. Cancer is some sort of evil. So many people are suffering, dying, and it makes me heartbroken.

Today, I chatted with a man who has pancreatic cancer and is taking some treatments. He chose his path, one of three scenarios his doctor presented to him, which gave him an estimated five months of a quality life. His five months are staring him in the face.

He doesn’t look like he has cancer, but what does cancer look like anyway? It doesn’t play fair. And, sadly there’s no way to make it adhere to any rules. It’s in control, and we have to take the hand we are dealt.

I have read that journal entry over and over. That day was a repeat and just like every other day of those 25 days. Maybe time didn’t make a difference, but that doesn’t mean it won’t make a difference in the end. 

I think back to the man, who was battling pancreatic cancer, and how much I looked forward to talking to him every morning. He was fighting and facing death, but he brightened my morning every day. The stories he told of his business, or his daughter, or his granddaughter. He was always positive, always at peace with his situation, but I never told him what our conversations meant to me or how he somehow made me feel better.

In the following months after radiation, a lady at the cancer center would tell me how that man was always asking how we were doing. I hoped I had somehow made his mornings brighter.

After a few months she stopped mentioning him, and I knew he was probably gone. For him, there wasn’t more time or more stories, but for me there were the memories of how he had brightened some of my darker days.

We all know our time can end tomorrow, but do we really live life like that? I’m not talking about living our lives like WE are dying; I’m talking about our loved ones, our friends, or the people who impact our lives. If you lost a close friend or family member tomorrow would you have any regrets?

I continuously tell my kids, don’t leave each other mad. Don’t set yourself up for regrets. They may get lectured for something they did or didn’t do, but I always make sure they know one thing in the end, and that is I love them. Don’t wait to say it, don’t leave mad, don’t put some things off. 

Take time to thank the Lord for the simple things you have in life and for those people who have impacted it. When you lose those who mean the most to you, you’re the one left with the memories. Make sure to take the time to make them.