Do you ever look back on the past and think something seems like it was forever ago? Sometimes that’s how I feel about the last two years. I think it’s because I’ve felt like I’m living double time. Living in actual time while also living for what’s to come. And, I will tell you…it wears you out quickly. It can be like treading water in a way. You’re worn out, but you haven’t gone anywhere.
So much has happened in two short years, and at times I feel like I’m still in the same place trying to fight the same battles. And, in a way I am. They say time heals all wounds, but does it really? Time has gone by, but has it really healed anything?
Sept. 26, 2018
It has been 62 days since I found out my husband has cancer. And, it is Day 16 of radiation.
It seems like we have been going to the Cancer Center for months, maybe even years. The days and weeks are running together. I am reliving day after day just like the one before it.
Will it ever end?
Someone asked me today when will it be over? It will NEVER be over! Ever! I will live with this for the rest of my life in some capacity. Maybe not like today, but in some way that has been transformed.
My emotions are on the roller coaster today. I’ve cried a few times, looked at him from afar and stopped myself from wondering if he is going to die. I can’t help it! It’s a scary thought I push to the back of my mind, but I’m scared of the unknown.
Why is this happening to us? Am I being punished?
I miss my boys! I miss my girls! I miss my life!
I feel detached from my world. I cannot believe we are going through a bout with cancer and the aftermath of a natural disaster. Hurricane Flo has turned our upside down world upside down yet again. And again, I want to know why?
In the cancer center today it was hard not to be sad for all the people going through this ugly ordeal. Cancer is some sort of evil. So many people are suffering, dying, and it makes me heartbroken.
Today, I chatted with a man who has pancreatic cancer and is taking some treatments. He chose his path, one of three scenarios his doctor presented to him, which gave him an estimated five months of a quality life. His five months are staring him in the face.
He doesn’t look like he has cancer, but what does cancer look like anyway? It doesn’t play fair. And, sadly there’s no way to make it adhere to any rules. It’s in control, and we have to take the hand we are dealt.
I have read that journal entry over and over. That day was a repeat and just like every other day of those 25 days. Maybe time didn’t make a difference, but that doesn’t mean it won’t make a difference in the end.
I think back to the man, who was battling pancreatic cancer, and how much I looked forward to talking to him every morning. He was fighting and facing death, but he brightened my morning every day. The stories he told of his business, or his daughter, or his granddaughter. He was always positive, always at peace with his situation, but I never told him what our conversations meant to me or how he somehow made me feel better.
In the following months after radiation, a lady at the cancer center would tell me how that man was always asking how we were doing. I hoped I had somehow made his mornings brighter.
After a few months she stopped mentioning him, and I knew he was probably gone. For him, there wasn’t more time or more stories, but for me there were the memories of how he had brightened some of my darker days.
We all know our time can end tomorrow, but do we really live life like that? I’m not talking about living our lives like WE are dying; I’m talking about our loved ones, our friends, or the people who impact our lives. If you lost a close friend or family member tomorrow would you have any regrets?
I continuously tell my kids, don’t leave each other mad. Don’t set yourself up for regrets. They may get lectured for something they did or didn’t do, but I always make sure they know one thing in the end, and that is I love them. Don’t wait to say it, don’t leave mad, don’t put some things off.
Take time to thank the Lord for the simple things you have in life and for those people who have impacted it. When you lose those who mean the most to you, you’re the one left with the memories. Make sure to take the time to make them.