I have felt numb most of the weekend. Lost in my own thoughts. Why does God think I can handle so much at one time?
It’s one in the morning, and another late night. Circumstances are weighing on my mind as I go over and over in my head the events over the last few weeks. This month has gone on and on like a bad dream. I rush time along in my head one minute, while begging it to stop the next.
Life always seems to be a Catch 22.
Holding my shoulders, tensed up in pain, I am unable to relax and find sleep. So many emotions going through my mind tonight. So much empathy for all my children, who are hurting and in pain over the events that have unfolded lately.
There’s nothing I can do to ease the suffering. My mind surveys the situation and wonders how I could have prevented incidents leading up to this moment. I am lost and out of answers.
Too tired to think.
More often than not I have been holding back tears wondering why life has to be so cruel. Why do my children deserve so much misfortune when they have just been trying to cope?
Sadly enough, life isn’t fair. I would say life is more unfair than not. But, before I try to digest those thoughts I know the point is mute.
Life isn’t fair!!
How many times do I have to have this realization. Life will NEVER be fair. Accept that and save yourself the disappointment down the road.
This pity party tonight is getting old. Mental note to self: Make this the last pity party.
Seriously, where does it get me? Over and over in my head I can sink myself to an all time low, and all I’m doing is making myself pathetic and miserable.
And, for what reason?
I fell asleep after 2:30 this morning with my computer on my lap, my blog post unfinished. I was a little upset I had fell asleep before recording all my thoughts, but then realized some things happen for a reason.
I reminded myself of the words of Priscilla Shirer. So, for all my Bible study sisters….I’m putting on my armor and praying about it. I didn’t finish this post last night because it wasn’t the right time.
God hadn’t spoken to me about the situation. Or, maybe I just hadn’t listened.
I had nothing positive to say. And, I hadn’t come to terms with any of it or found a resolution.
What kind of inspiration would I be for all of you? A pathetic one for sure, or just not a inspiration at all?
Perseverance is one thing I have. My friend said so, and she is right.
I AM strong! So strong…mental note that!
Today, I had a conversation with my husband. He was upset about a situation that occurred last week, and for once, I wasn’t the one in tears. I was the sensible voice of reasoning. I really shocked myself.
But, this morning I woke up with a sense of peace, a calmness, a feeling of vindication.
Sometimes we have to realize things happen in our life for a reason. A lesson? A blessing? Yes, it’s one of those explanations, or maybe all of them. Sometimes bad has to happen for there to be good. Sometimes people have to fall in order to get up. And, sometimes sacrifices have to be made, or there has to be a tradeoff.
Think about that in a spiritual sense. Sometimes we just have to trust in the Lord that everything is going to turn out for the best.
Worrying, stressing, losing sleep is a waste of time. Not to say I’m going to always remember that statement, but it is the truth. We just sometimes forget that.
What is done is done so move forward, and don’t allow history to repeat itself.
I feel like sometimes people have to get sick, sometimes people have to fail, and sometimes people even have to die. Sometimes extreme measures have to happen in order for the stars to align, to save someone, for the good or the silver lining to reveal itself.
I know this is a deep topic, but somehow today I found some peace. I’m not necessarily happy with all my realizations, but I have found a sense of peacefulness and acceptance in what is happening.
Maybe it’s short lived, maybe tomorrow I’ll have a setback. I’m sure there’s more bad days ahead, but the alternative could be worse.
What if there wasn’t another day at all?
There are events and situations in my life I can’t do anything about. And, there are some I can.
When my children falter, when they fall, they will be looking to me for guidance. If I can’t support myself, how in the world can I support them?
Like I told my daughter today…I am strong. Stronger than you think. I will pray for you and hold you up when you can’t do it yourself. That’s what moms do.
So, as I always say…if you can help someone, then help them.