Peace in the Silence

Do you ever just sit and think about quiet time?

I think about it every day.

My soul craves it like a sun-drenched skin thirsts for the shade. All the time I am imagining I require it to keep me in a homeostatic state.

I have made a conscious effort to cut out all the static and noise. When hubby first got sick, my mind tirelessly went to thoughts and worry and what-ifs. It was like I had no control of my mind, running rampant making no sense out of anything. There is no immediate way to stop all the racket in your head when your world has been turned upside down.

People can say what they want. They can judge, voice their opinion on what I should say, do, feel. Unless they have been in my shoes, they have no say in how I should feel. My spouse is in the battle of his life, and I am helpless.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

Exodus14:14

How can you just sit back and watch that without a glimpse of worry?

It is almost too much to deal with on some days. I have went back and forth from managing to bad to worse. It’s like a miserable fair ride that won’t stop.

And, that reminds me. Do you ever just remember a similar instance of something happening that occurred in your childhood?

I feel like as a child I was on a ride, screaming to get off, for it to stop, but it just kept moving despite my mother yelling, STOP! I wonder if it’s real, just a figment of my imagination, or if maybe it’s me grasping for some sense of security and understanding. Maybe it’s my mother or some sort of thought transference, or maybe it’s just made up in my head.

The mind is powerful, turbulent at times, and a vessel of danger when we don’t practice discipline and use our authority to manage it. It can become our master and control us if we give it the power to do so.

And, not always in a happy or positive way.

I have learned silence is fuel. It repairs what is fatigued. A cure for the broken-hearted. It is only in the quietness I can embrace inner peace. It is where God is with me, where I sense I have some sort of protection for my heart.

I believe I have feared loneliness for so long that I didn’t realize being lonely and being alone are two different things. I have learned to appreciate my alone time, using it to talk to God and find the peace concealed inside me. I still wrestle with the loneliness at times, but now it is different, even though I have to restrain it from time to time.

I have regressed, back and forth, to this place. It’s as if I’m digging myself out of a pit, and on the other end someone is digging it deeper. I’m fighting being buried, fighting to survive, fighting my own mind.

If I can simply stop the chaos, stop the noise, stop the race, I realize the battle is over.

All it takes is a few minutes of quietness.

Silence.

Peace.

The more I practice it, the more solitude I find.

There’s no desire for validation or acceptance. No need for words.

The peace comes from the silence within my heart, where I know only God can calm the storm.