Posted in Journal, Self Help


Ever wonder why some days are just easier than others? Maybe it’s how we start our day or maybe it’s our prayers.

I was skimming my journal today and thought how my life goes through the same cycle over and over. We get a diagnosis or test results, then there’s an acceptance period, then there’s a plan of attack or treatment, scans, results, and then we start again. The cycle repeats itself over and over

October 3, 2019

Some days I feel as if I’m suffocating, and I can’t get air. Anxiety sets in, and I am swept away in my fears. It’s the worst feeling in the world, and all I can do is cry.

This morning I prayed to God for strength and healing and to forgive me for my sins and selfishness. Some days I just want it to stop. Some days I don’t want to be here, to do this. Some days I don’t want to get off the couch.

I know I should give my worry and pain to God and trust him, but that alone is another battle I fight. It’s all so overwhelming, and sometimes I just want it to go away…to wake up from this bad dream.

Does my husband really have cancer?

Is my children’s father really going to die?

I look at those test results and try to comprehend all those medical terms and digest what’s in front of me. I know he’s not the only patient in the world, but he’s my patient, and I want to know what’s looking us in the face. I need answers, I need assurance, I need something so just tell me what it is and forget the sugar coating.

Worry is something so hard to give up, yet it steals so much from you. It takes away from your peace, it eats at your brain and soul and it makes you go places in your mind you never want to be.

Yet, it’s like a drug, and you just can’t give it up some days.

Pray for strength, pray for peace…then put one foot in front of the other and keep looking ahead. I know God will protect me, my children…it’s all the hope I have.

And, what do we have if we don’t have hope?

It’s hard to believe that was only four months ago. I think back and can hardly remember the day. It was one of many of the same…like my life was on repeat.

I started this blog for myself and for others. I went outside my comfort zone and did it in hopes of helping other people who are struggling. It was something I felt I was chosen to do, a calling of a sort, to take something bad and do good with it.

At lunch today, my friend said she sees a change in me since starting the blog. I told her I feel better when I write. She pointed out how I sometimes conceal my feelings and keep them inside, and she believes my blog is a way for me to express them, let them out.

I agree with her.

And, she has been a steadfast supportive friend to me since I have known her.

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:4 (ESV)

So often we hide behind a mask of social media in a make believe world. Everyone is happy on Facebook. Right?

People show off the perfect happy façade of their life, and somewhere behind that smile are tears and heartbreak, or pain and suffering, or loneliness and depression.

I feel like I could easily be putting myself in a vulnerable situation, but this is my story, my thoughts, my therapy. This is about helping myself and helping others. And in the end, the truth will set us free…

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