Month: July 2020

Posted in Self Help

Disconnect to Connect

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Know what it means to Disconnect to Connect?

I read that yesterday at the end of a mentally tough day, and it dawned on me I knew exactly what it meant. Well, what I think it means for me.

In a world where so many people are struggling I feel the urge to pick up and run.

Just. Run.

Not away or any place in particular. Just run. The only stumbling block would be getting away from my own mind.

I can close my eyes and see myself. There’s nothing in front of me. Nothing within my peripheral vision.

In the rear, I sense there is something hoovering over me. All around me is a lightly wooded area headed into nowhere. It’s cloudy and gray, surrounded by nature. There’s simply nothing in sight.

What does all that mean?

I really have no sense of curiosity because in my muddled sanity I know it’s nothing good. I want to say there’s a sense of hopelessness, but I don’t dare think that way.

There is always HOPE. I won’t forget that even on my darkest days. Survival depends on HOPE.

Always.

Another person lost a loved one to cancer, another person cried for help, and so many I know are mourning a life we lost months ago, within a matter of days. In a split second it seems our mere existence flashed in front of us, and we are living in a divergent world.

Life can be such a desolate spot at times, but I remind myself life is harsh. We need to remind ourselves of that daily, especially in these times. Everyone around us is struggling.

Everywhere there is a sense of unknown.

We spend our entire childhood wanting to grow up, thinking at that point we can do what we want, we will be happy, and life will go along perfectly as planned.

We start to live as if life owes us. We have such unrealistic expectations of what living is, what defines success, what brings us happiness, and what our whole existence is made up of that we cannot decipher what’s real and what’s not.

Or maybe it’s not until we have all those things and realize somethig is still missing.

Maybe we just don’t know how to measure life?

Or maybe we all need to Disconnect from what we expect life to be and Connect to what life actually is.

It’s hard.

An uphill battle.

Full of hardships, tears, tragedy, and heartache. Overflowing with challenges, hard choices, and disappointment. If we stop having such high expectations and focusing on “things,” it’s possible we could actually appreciate the little treasures life has to offer.

They are there. We just have to look for them and stop imagining a life filled with fireworks and bliss.

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Appreciate moments, not things, because you can never go back in time.

I have caught myself a few times this week wishing I could go back. Go back to the way life used to be, when it seemed much simpler, my children were small, and we laughed more than we cried. Living in the past is a hard way to live though, and it hinders our ability to grow and learn and adapt.

Sometimes we just have to disconnect from the idea of what we thought our lives should look like, and connect to the reality of what it really is. It’s not the end of the world, it’s just a bend in the road. Adjust, and keep moving forward.

Posted in Self Help

TIME

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Do you ever find yourself not being able to keep up with time?

I feel like I am always wishing the days away or begging them to slow down. It’s never easy enough to simply enjoy the moment because the moments constantly have me holding my breath or fretting over what’s to come.

Speed up.

Slow down.

It’s from one extreme to the next.

And, it’s always one or the other, but never just in between.

There’s a part of me who always wants both.

With cancer, test after test and treatment after treatment, days are spent living in between what’s next. Part of me wants this break from treatment to be over because I’m worried about progression, but another part of me wants it to never end.

Can’t we just live like this forever, never having to deal with the “WHAT IFs?”

It’s a nice thought, and one that serenades my mind all the time. What if we could just stop cancer in its tracks by forgetting about it? We just live in the moment without a second thought of ever having to deal with it again.

No more treatments, no more scans, no more cancer.

If only it worked that way. If only we could get rid of the agony of time.

Hurry up and wait. That’s what life is like much of the time. But, most of the time I just want to know.

I want to know what’s going on. What to prepare for next. What are the next steps. The next plan of attack. I just want to know.

Being in the dark is a scary thing. I know God sheds light on my darkness, but sometimes no knowing is worse than knowing.

Not knowing is an agonizing chore. The anxiety builds, the mind spirals out of control, and there’s not a clear, rational thought in sight.

It’s confusing to the point I don’t know which is worse.

I think of my children, and I want time to slow down. Then, the wait doesn’t seem so bad.

Be careful wishing for time to pass quickly. It will pass quickly on its own, and we will wake up one day and wonder where we are.

Kind of like I did with this week. I’ve been thinking…I have all month with the kids, and now I look around and think it’s half over, already.

And I wonder, where did the time go? Wasn’t it just Monday?

They will all be back to college soon, and then we are one away from being empty nesters. And, what will I do then?

More time to think about time?

I think time is simply an illusion that consumes us, yet, it takes so much from us. Our thoughts, our actions, our mind. Is it even real?

But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.”

2 Peter 3:8

Every second goes by, every minute, hour, day, night.

Gone forever. Never seen or heard. Just there in our head, but nonexistent.

In my mind I know time is simply how we measure a week, a month, a year. The truth is we never really know how much “time” we have on Earth. I tell myself “one day at a time,” but that is much harder to live than to say.

The reality is living any other way than a day at a time is simply a “waste of time.” What if we lived our last day worrying about a tomorrow that never came?

yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”

James4:14
Posted in Self Help

Out of Touch

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Can we be honest?

I’m not going to lie! Lately, I’ve been a little out of touch because I have been wrestling with staying upbeat. I mean I’ve been super busy with family and kids and life, but who can’t say that?

Hubby mentioned the other day he hadn’t seen a blog post in awhile. Yeah, it’s true. I have been off the grid a little more than normal, but actually, I kind of like it. It’s hard to be social and happy while grappling with the weights on your shoulders.

Not that cancer isn’t enough of a nasty curve ball, but this crazy pandemic, a country divided, all the hate and evil amongst us.

What happened to us?

What happened to the free and the brave?

What happened to our America the Beautiful?

It’s shameful the only unity we have is we take life for granted. Think about that for a minute.

Well, unless of course you’re dying or terminally ill.

Do you realize ALL the people who are dying of cancer?

I bet those people don’t abuse the life they were given, wasting it away on fighting with their neighbors.

Life is much easier in a bubble.

I’ve never thought of myself as socially shy. I don’t have a problem talking to people, but I do have a problem pretending. And, I do get social anxiety. It takes a lot of effort to put on a smile and pretend I am mentally strong. It takes energy to make everyone believe I am OK when I’m not.

I AM mentally strong. Some days I just don’t want to be.

Living with cancer in your household is emotional. It’s a roller coaster, ups and downs, twists and turns. Even when it’s not front and center, it’s there lurking. Just a thought away, a reminder somewhere you turn.

You live with it, without a choice.

All.

The.

Time.

I am learning to manuever that obstacle. For myself, to support my children, my hubby. I’ve learned if I don’t take care of ME, there won’t be enough to go around.

Family is priority so I hope no one takes it personally when I decline an invite, or seem disengaged, or silent. Sometimes our schedule doesn’t allow for socializing, and other times we would love to hang out. And sometimes, we just aren’t up for company.

It has been a hard few months. Cancer just took one dear soul from us. I know people who recently got diagnosed. I know lots of people who are fighting. And, it all hits too close to home.

There’s a daughter taking a last minute trip to see her dad who is fighting for his life. There’s a mother counting down the debilitating chemo treatments she takes her terminally ill son to every couple of weeks. There’s a wife in the cancer center who is puzzled about how her husband got mesothelioma but was never exposed to the contaminants. There’s the husband grieving for his wife, the children who lost their mother, the women who lost their best friend.

None of them have a choice.

I look at my children, my husband and then in the mirror at myself.

It’s difficult to cope some days, and I can sense the world wanting to crumble around me. All the suffering and pain just floods my head to the point I feel like I’m drowning in it. My head hurts. I’m tired. No energy. No will to do anything.

Some days it’s too much. But, that’s not every day. I’m not going to set up camp there.

Some days are good. Some days I’m motivated and have the drive to conquer the world.

Some people tell me not to focus on all those situations or not to be a part of those cancer groups because it just makes me upset. What they don’t realize is what else it does to me.

It helps me NOT feel so alone.

Summer has been good for me in the sense I can just focus on my family and stay out of any kind of scene. It’s a good distraction to be able to listen to the ocean, sit out and soak up the sun, hang out with my family. It’s been good to make the most out of a bad time in our country by us all just being together.

Some days I’m happy to not share anything or feel vulnerable. I don’t mind sharing when I have my head on straight and the energy to help others; however, when a battle is going on inside my head, it’s hard to help myself much less anyone else.

Sometimes it’s just easier to cope when you stay out of touch.

“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”

Matthew 7:13-14
Posted in Cancer

JULY – Sarcoma Awareness Month

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Do you know what sarcoma is?

When hubby was first diagnosed with cancer it was sort of a shock to hear the long technical name for what he had.

I was like what? What is that?

Then, the doctor began to explain sarcoma is a soft tissue cancer. It was hard for me to wrap my brain around it. My mind was trying to process what I was being told, but I couldn’t quite grasp that the cancer was in his soft tissue, not in his lungs, or liver, or pancreas or something of that sort.

Soft tissue? In my mind, I was thinking, that’s everywhere!

And, literally it can be.

Sarcoma tends to be found in the extremities, but it can be found anywhere in your body. It can be hidden in your abdomen, growing to watermelon size and go unnoticed. It can be in your bones, your blood vessels, your fat cells or any soft tissue.

And, it can literally be anywhere!

For me, the thought of that is a little mind-blowing.

Sarcoma doesn’t discriminate. Not against anyone or in any place.

Young children, teenagers, and elderly people can get it.

And, when they do most of them are in a fight for their life. I am not saying there aren’t survivors of this savage beast, but I feel most would agree it is a war.

There are many factors that contribute to prognosis and another hurdle lies in the fact there are so many subtypes of this disease. Subtype, location of the tumor, and whether the cancer has spread to distant places are all factored in when it comes to treatment and the plan of attack. And, sarcoma isn’t like other carcinoma cancers in the sense that it doesn’t usually respond well to traditional treatments such as chemotherapy.

For me, hubby’s cancer diagnosis was the scariest thing I’ve ever faced. It was like my life flashed in front of me, over and over, without a pause. On one hand I couldn’t believe it was real, couldn’t decipher my feelings, or think about it without stress, worry, tears.

Two years later, I have learned to lean on HOPE, trust that I am on the path I am supposed to be on, and accept some things that I don’t want to admit are reality. I am not going to lie and say it gets easier, that I don’t struggle sometimes daily, or my mind doesn’t wander to that question of Why?

I am not going to say I don’t worry, or stress, or wonder about the future. And, for anyone who believes that’s 100 percent achievable, well, I will let you get back to me about that. If I could shut my mind off, I would. If things could be different, they would be.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. Neither does cancer. It plays by its own set of rules. It may have ahold on hubby’s body, but it doesn’t have a hold on our minds. Unless, we let it.

For me, family, laughter, the ocean, and enjoying the simple things money can’t buy are about as good as it gets. Doing for my family and myself is priority. And, I’ve realized there’s not a lot of precious time for much else, especially when time may not be on your side. xo

6 Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

To learn more about sarcoma cancer, research, or to donate click on the links below: https://gracelovebiscuits.com/sarcoma-2/ https://sarcomaalliance.org https://www.curesarcoma.org