TIME

Do you ever find yourself not being able to keep up with time?

I feel like I am always wishing the days away or begging them to slow down. It’s never easy enough to simply enjoy the moment because the moments constantly have me holding my breath or fretting over what’s to come.

Speed up.

Slow down.

It’s from one extreme to the next.

And, it’s always one or the other, but never just in between.

There’s a part of me who always wants both.

With cancer, test after test and treatment after treatment, days are spent living in between what’s next. Part of me wants this break from treatment to be over because I’m worried about progression, but another part of me wants it to never end.

Can’t we just live like this forever, never having to deal with the “WHAT IFs?”

It’s a nice thought, and one that serenades my mind all the time. What if we could just stop cancer in its tracks by forgetting about it? We just live in the moment without a second thought of ever having to deal with it again.

No more treatments, no more scans, no more cancer.

If only it worked that way. If only we could get rid of the agony of time.

Hurry up and wait. That’s what life is like much of the time. But, most of the time I just want to know.

I want to know what’s going on. What to prepare for next. What are the next steps. The next plan of attack. I just want to know.

Being in the dark is a scary thing. I know God sheds light on my darkness, but sometimes no knowing is worse than knowing.

Not knowing is an agonizing chore. The anxiety builds, the mind spirals out of control, and there’s not a clear, rational thought in sight.

It’s confusing to the point I don’t know which is worse.

I think of my children, and I want time to slow down. Then, the wait doesn’t seem so bad.

Be careful wishing for time to pass quickly. It will pass quickly on its own, and we will wake up one day and wonder where we are.

Kind of like I did with this week. I’ve been thinking…I have all month with the kids, and now I look around and think it’s half over, already.

And I wonder, where did the time go? Wasn’t it just Monday?

They will all be back to college soon, and then we are one away from being empty nesters. And, what will I do then?

More time to think about time?

I think time is simply an illusion that consumes us, yet, it takes so much from us. Our thoughts, our actions, our mind. Is it even real?

But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.”

2 Peter 3:8

Every second goes by, every minute, hour, day, night.

Gone forever. Never seen or heard. Just there in our head, but nonexistent.

In my mind I know time is simply how we measure a week, a month, a year. The truth is we never really know how much “time” we have on Earth. I tell myself “one day at a time,” but that is much harder to live than to say.

The reality is living any other way than a day at a time is simply a “waste of time.” What if we lived our last day worrying about a tomorrow that never came?

yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”

James4:14