Author: gracelovebiscuits

Posted in Self Help

Fighting Fear

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

I barely get through one hurdle and I am fighting another one. Does it ever end?

Every time I think I have found peace some force comes from out of nowhere and slams into the back of me. It’s like I can see it in my rear view mirror, but I can’t get ahead of it. It always catches up with me.

Always.

In the last six weeks I’ve experienced every emotion imaginable. There are so many issues I’m dealing with and so many people I’m trying to help.

The other night, I thought to myself how am I doing all this?

How am I not a hot mess right now?

How has all this not affected me more negatively, pushed me back down in that pit?

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:6-9

I did feel myself going back down, falling into that pit. The pessimistic emotions were creeping back up on my mind, pushing me down and I could feel myself slipping.

Sadly, it felt familiar, almost comforting but in a vulnerable way. I felt almost in a comfort zone. Misery loves company. It was a common place that I once lived in and it got to be too comfortable. I could live there and make myself numb, shut out the outside world and just accept life as the devil wanted me to accept it.

The only problem living there was it’s unhealthy and diseased. Much like an addict cannot easily rid themself of drugs and alcohol until they admit they have a problem and seek help is similar to how a depressed soul lives. It’s a vicious cycle, and one you become accustomed to living because you can’t find your way out.

I felt that self pity and depressed spirit taking over and it felt natural. But why did I feel like that was a good place? A comfort zone?

It was as if I was telling myself this is where I should be, stay here it’s familiar. It was a weird feeling, and for a second I was almost convinced I needed to stay.

But, a light bulb went off, and there was screaming to fight back. I wasn’t going there without a fight. That common feeling wasn’t suppose to console me. It was easy, but it wasn’t good. Maybe it was a trap.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

1 Peter 8-9

Fighting was going to take effort so I repositioned my racing mind with a conscious attempt to pull myself out. Looking back maybe the devil had ahold of me, whispering in my ear telling me that was a place I wanted to be again. I started praying that night and I prayed and prayed. I was lying in bed dozing and in and out of sleep, restless in my attack until I finally drifted off. I awoke early, tired, with a troubled mind, and I prayed until I again veered off in my sleep. This time I found peace.

A few nights later came another night thinking about what I fear, and what I know from experience. Another hurdle, another bad bout, another hurdle. Why do they keep coming at me?

The death of an old childhood friend shook me this weekend. Cancer, bad news, death, sudden death…it doesn’t stop. Is it the way of the times or just reality with age? Some of these people aren’t that old, and the truth death can come at any day doesn’t leave me without an uneasiness.

It’s not that I’m scared of death, but rather scared of the pain of losing everyone I love. Why do I fear the pain so much?

What am I suppose to do? I don’t know the reasoning behind all this chaos. But, am I suppose to know the reasoning behind all the barriers in life? I don’t think that is how life works. I think back about where I’ve been, that dark place I came from and how I got to now. How am I still standing? And what’s to come?

All rhetorical questions I know, but still ones that cross my mind time to time when I suffer in a weak moment.

Don’t doubt God and don’t question him. It’s not our worry. I know this, but I still allow myself down this road every now and again. It is a dangerous place to travel with those demons.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.

By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.

Hebrews 11:1-3

Even in my faith I sometimes find wonder. I do not claim to know it all, as I am always learning the word of God. This could be the calm before the storm where feelings live somewhere in a hidden delusion. And, maybe I’m not really OK. 

Posted in Devotional, Self Help

Find Joy

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Do you ever feel like the past won’t let go of you?

I know we aren’t suppose to dwell on what’s over and done with, but just because something is in the past doesn’t make it finished. Sometimes we feel the need to finish it ourselves.

Often, I say I dislike social media. I guess that’s not totally true since there are obvious perks to using it, but I guess I mean to say I dislike what social media does to people.

Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent.

Proverbs 11:12

Sometimes people use social media as a platform to portray this make believe life. Why do people paint this perfect little life that doesn’t exist?

I don’t understand why someone would make a comment on social media they would never say to someone’s face.

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago, and she said she doesn’t do social media because it makes her feel bad. She said she feels like people display this flawless life and it just makes her feel depressed about her own problems. Then, she feels she’s the only one struggling to get through the week.

I didn’t tell her I’m kind of envious of her for not succumbing to the social media pressures. However, I like it gives me the excuse to talk on the phone with her to catch up and engage in real conversation. I miss the days of talking on the phone and hearing the comfort of someone’s voice rather than getting a dry text message with a quick hello.

Our conversation made me start thinking about what she said and sadly, she’s right. I’ve actually had the same feelings myself. I’m probably one of the few people who has only been on social media in the last five years, and honestly I was just as happy before, maybe even happier.

No, not maybe. I was happier.

Lately, I have tried to limit my time, mainly just using it to post an occasional picture of my children to show how much I miss them all being together, to know I’m thinking about them, and for sharing my blog or inspirational quotes.

Many people only share the part of their life on social media they want people to know about. Then, there’s the other side who scours every nook and cranny to debate, argue and call people out.

And, let’s not forget the dreadful realization kid’s use it to bully other kids. Or worse, the parents bully.

The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but the perverse tongue will be cut off. The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable, but the mouth of the wicked, what is perverse.

Provers 10:31-32

Don’t get me wrong, social media is beneficial in a variety ways, and offers an easy avenue for promoting and getting the word out. We know society as a whole is curious. It’s our human nature, and most of us are guilty of being curious.

However, social media isn’t the real problem. Just like in most cases it’s not how it’s used, it’s how it’s abused. We, as in people, are the problem.

I have never been one to overshare my personal life. I like to be a private person, only sharing with those I’m closest. In the past I have shared my feelings, my struggles and my life with some acquaintances, mistaken for friends, but I learned the hard way not to do that anymore.

Not in that way. Now, I share my story for many reasons, but not necessarily my personal life. Some ways are obvious, and some would spark too many questions I am not obligated to answer. Regardless, I want you all to know you are not alone in your battles.

Many times, I have felt out of place, out of my comfort zone, and honestly, alone.

I realized I can be surrounded by a million people and feel like the only one in the room. I’ve been there more than once. Who am I kidding, I’ve been there more often than not.

Recently, my husband and I were talking about several years ago when the boys played sports and we traveled around. I loved it for the kids, but I hated it for myself. I never felt part of the group, never felt I had a place and looking back don’t think it was necessarily a happy experience for any of us. Perhaps, it was an eye-opening, learning experience.

During those days I wanted so desperately to have a group of friends, have a squad, have support. I had none of that. I don’t really see or talk to those people anymore, and honestly that’s fine. I know many of them are probably battling their own hidden demons, and I am here battling mine in the open.

I’m at peace. I have what I need. And, for once in my life I am fine with that, and I don’t really care what other people think. Not at all. If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this.

I think it takes a life changing event, or a come to Jesus moment in order to get to this point, this comfort zone. Or maybe, it just comes with age, a dose of reality and trusting in God.

So much pain that no one even knows about. So many inner struggles. So much brokenness. So much heartbreak people cannot begin to understand.

But, that is for another day when I am ready to talk about it.

It is so easy to sit back and judge others’ struggles. Empathetic hearts break because of your pain while apathetic ones judge and relish. Or maybe, in a sense, they are just broken, too.

Don’t try others when you have no concept of the storm they are in. Some people are so oblivious to their surroundings, but then again maybe that’s because they choose to be. I have shut so many people out of my life for that very reason, but they have no seat around my table.

I have my inner cirlce, and I have an outer circle. And, the two never touch.

No one has a perfect life. Look around at all the people who seem to have everything money can buy.

Happiness isn’t something you can achieve through social media or social status for that matter. It’s not something money can buy. It’s not a level you can get through in life and hold onto forever.

It doesn’t get you the golden ticket for sure. Not to heaven anyway.

Life is hard. We are all struggling and God never promised you it would be easy.

Happiness doesn’t come from things, or even people. Happiness comes from within yourself. It is a mood, an emotion.

Joy comes from God when we trust in Him. Seek God and your life will be an abundance of joy.

Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

John 16:24

Don’t look at social media or at others for your joy. Look at your faith.

Everyone around you isn’t really without struggles even though some days it seems that way. I promise you’re never going to see a post about all the worries or insecurities in someone’s heart. It’s easier to conceal our pain within ourselves than to admit to the world that it’s real.

I have realized if I can help someone else, then I should help them. It may be painful, but within that pain I have found my JOY. xo

Posted in Self Help

Confessions

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

I have a confession to make.

Well, one I will share.

This past weekend I read my recent blog post about Forgiveness over and over.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to forget everything I had stored at the very back of my mind. I wanted to erase some of the past from my memory, and I wanted to go back to feeling the way I’ve been feeling lately.

Confident. Happy. At peace.

But, I felt none of that.

You see cancer is always a portion of my worry, and my heart well, that’s another story. Lately, so many bad memories have been rehashed all over again. Hurdles I encountered long ago, and now another one.

It’s hard to trust again when your heart has been broken, and it’s even harder to forgive yourself when you let it happen. Of course, it’s perplexing when there’s a slew of circumstances that are intertwined and mangled, creating a host of emotions.

No matter how many times you choose to forgive someone, there’s always that moment when you question what you’re doing and if they are worthy of it once again.

That is a question you need to discuss with God, because I’m not sure I have the answer for anyone’s situation. Even my own. Although, I did ask a friend once how many chances does someone get, and they said you do it until you can’t do it anymore. I assume that’s the same as God, who wants us to never give up.

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

Matthew 18:21-22

Just because we don’t stop forgiving doesn’t mean we shouldn’t stop letting someone hurt us. At some point in life we have to take our well being into our own hands, whether it be our physical well being or our mental self, and ask God for help.

Forgiving is the easy part. It’s forgetting that’s hard.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

Psalm 34:17-20

I confess it over and over, I have a hard time forgetting. I have to fight with everything I’ve got not to let the devil take ahold of me and take me down that sinful alley road. It’s like your mind can forgive, and forget…for awhile. Push it into the back of your brain, bury it, conceal it and lock it away.

In reality, it’s still there unless we let it go. It’s somewhat like a helium balloon, watching it float away, out of sight until it’s lost forever. We never look back, never give it another thought.

It’s not that I can’t forgive, it’s my heart won’t let me forget.

Is it even possible?

Are we actually capable of forgetting?

I admire people I know who are self disciplined always radiating willpower. It takes a strong mind and an unwaivering trust in God. Attractive traits I’m in love with, nonetheless.

However, in my life I’m still a work in progress.

The heart, the mind, the soul are all connected and sometimes, despite our frantic attempts in search of a cause, there is not a reason. There’s no answer to our “Why?”.

Why we can’t forget, or why we have to forgive someone over and over is a question that sometimes doesn’t have an answer.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

I think we have such a hard time because we need a motive and it’s difficult to accept maybe there’s not one. Maybe it’s just part of a bigger plan, and we have to wait for it to play out. Sometimes circumstances don’t make sense in the beginning, but they eventually come full circle.

I think rather than focusing on forgetting we need to focus on letting it go, just like that balloon. Why do we want to hold onto the bad memories? In doing so, we are only hurting ourselves more, filling our heart with pain and resentment.

It’s hard to know what someone’s heart holds. That is for God’s eyes only. They are the only ones who has to answer for their sins. The only move we can make is to trust or to be wary. It’s our choice. How you guard your heart is up to you. God wants us to forgive, not hate, but he doesn’t say forgive and forget or forgive and trust again.

Now, we come full circle with the question how many chances does someone get?

I look at my situation and think that’s irrelevant. It may not change my heart, but it may change the answer. It teaches a valuable lesson. Whatever you choose make it a choice you can always live with. Sometimes there are no second chances.

Hold onto what’s precious and let everything else go. Somewhere in all of that is where you will find your answer.

Posted in Self Help

Precious, Purposeful Life

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

One foot in front of the other. Keep moving.

I’ve been telling myself that all week. My mind drifts off to what’s going on around me, and it’s like I start to stall.

Ever feel that way?

You’re surviving. Staying focused. Staying positive and then your mind starts to wander to that dark, desolate place and you find yourself in quicksand. You can’t lift your foot to move forward and you start to sink to that low.

Don’t let it happen.

You are in control of your thoughts. Don’t ever give that up.

I’ve told myself that a few times this week. Let your mind think about it for a second and then get yourself together and move forward. No matter how hard it is, stay positive and keep moving.

If I let myself get too far gone, then it’s even harder to come back from the hole I’ve let myself fall into. If you hit a low, don’t let it suck you in. It’s difficult, but don’t let the devil have ahold of you and draw you back to that place you have fought so hard to escape.

Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

James 4:7

On days I’m struggling to stay positive and all I want to do is cry, it takes an extra effort to stay positive. But, those days the demons are lurking in the darkness just waiting to help you sink yourself a little lower.

Yesterday was kind of a tough day mentally. Some bad memories resurfaced, some hurtful moments got revisited and it put me in a vulnerable frame of mind. I didn’t sleep well last night. And, I started thinking about all the unknowns in my life. Worrying about what I can’t control and needing some strength and guidance.

The weeks ahead are weighing me down. I know I need to get my feet planted firmly and my mind in the right place. Today is a day I need to start out on a good note. Days that start out poorly do not tend to go well for me, but the days I start with prayer and trusting in the Lord help me gain my strength.

“But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.

2 Thessalonians 3:3

I tell my children all the time you have to have hope and faith in something. Without it you will be lost.

However, on days you are thinking about all the sickness and turmoil in the world it is hard to not get lost. In the last few months three families I know are dealing with a new cancer diagnosis.

Why does this keep happening? Why does cancer consume every thought and prayer in my brain?

Some days I feel like it is every place I turn, every way I look, the only word I hear. How can one single word take up so much space in my head?

I know what all those families are facing. The long emotional road they are about to travel. The sorrow, the heartbreak, the fear looking them in the face. It’s like a sad song that plays over and over in your head. And, it won’t stop.

Mentally it’s exhausting. Physically it wears me down to nothing, unable to function properly or have enough energy to get to tomorrow. That’s the point I can’t let myself get to…EVER. It’s a place that messes with your mind, where demons attack, and you lose yourself. It’s the darkest blackness you will ever see.

And, I promised myself I will never go back.

I have found even in those gloomy days there is light and something to be thankful for in my life. I simply have to search for it, but mostly it’s right there staring me in the face. I believe those are the times I have just lost my focus on all the good around me.

Just as the sun will rise tomorrow, there is good in every situation, in every tragedy, every loss. Even when we can’t see it, even when we view it as a struggle, there is good somewhere underneath.

Life is precious, so don’t take it for granted. We all have a purpose.

Sometimes bad things happen to a person, not to save them, but to save someone else.

Sometimes our purpose isn’t ours at all.

Maybe, we are simply the messenger. And our purpose is to save someone else.

Posted in Devotional, Self Help

Forgiveness

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits
Did you know purple hyacinths are an emblem of forgiveness?

Do you think about forgiveness?

Lately, I have been thinking about it constantly.

I feel like when you’re going through life changing hurdles it makes your mind think about those kinds of things.

There’s so many situations in my life right now I wish I could change even though it’s obvious most of them I cannot. I decided life’s too short not to make some alterations if I can. Often, we get so wrapped up in the pain that someone or their actions caused us, we don’t think about what we are letting it do to ourselves.

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Luke 6:37

We may not be able to change the action or situation, but we can change how we react to it. Life is hard whether we want to say it out loud or not.

It’s not fair. It’s not equal. It’s not promised. Don’t count on it being easy.

I told my daughter last week I wanted her to find forgiveness. I wasn’t suggesting she do it for the person that hurt her, but rather for herself. It broke my heart to see her hurting because of something she can’t control so I reminded her that God would want her to show forgiveness.

I didn’t want to tell her how she should feel, but I wanted her to think about it.

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 6:14-15

There have been many situations in my life I can’t change, ones that affected me so deeply I’ve had a hard time of letting go. I can’t help the way I feel, and I realized there are many feelings I can’t stop. But, I can forgive.

And, forgiving is letting go.

Too often, I think we struggle with forgiveness because we don’t want to let someone off the hook so easily. We don’t want them to believe what they did is OK or they can get away with it. We want them to feel our pain, show some remorse or have some sort of empathy towards us. We may want them to suffer dire consequences so they don’t do it again. We may want them to just realize how it feels.

In reality, maybe we are the ones who need to realize forgiving someone is not letting them off the hook but rather setting ourselves free from the situation. If we carrry it around and hold on too tightly it will only continue to control our feelings.

Showing forgiveness and letting go doesn’t make a wrong right. It doesn’t show trust or worthiness to anyone but yourself. It shows you have enough self respect and care for yourself and God. No where does it say to forgive and forget. Forgive and be wary but do not hate.

Sometimes people just continue to hurt you, and there’s no explanation why or it’s something much deeper. Sometimes it’s not about you at all. Sometimes it’s just who they are with no explanation.

I’m the person who analyzes everything. I always want to figure out the why, but in reality I can’t invariably know why.

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Mark 11:25

If someone hurts you, take care of yourself first, then help others with what you have left. Forgive them, but do it for yourself. You’re not admitting you were in the wrong, you’re just choosing to let it not control you anymore.

In this life the only person we are responsible for at the end of our time on Earth is ourselves. We can help others, we can guide them, mentor them and support them, but we can’t save them. The only actions you are going to answer for is your own.

Choose peace and choose salvation. Be kind and be the bigger person. Your mental health deserves it. And, at the end of the day that’s all you can do.

Posted in Self Help

Sorry

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Old friends, current friends, new friends. How well do you stay in touch with them? Better yet how often are you the one initiating contact?

I was the friend who was good at communicating. Good at remembering birthdays and special occasions. Good at sending cards or presents. Good at staying in touch. Always hosting parties and planning get togethers.

Eventually, that me faded into the darkness. Perhaps, the darkness I live amongst these days.

I don’t do a very good job at calling anyone lately. I rarely send birthday cards anymore, and I’m doing well if you get a text on your actual birthday.

Don’t take it personal. It’s not about you at all. Trust me.

And, I’m sorry.

One of my college roommates visited me this past weekend, and it was so great to see her. I wish we lived closer and could meet on a whim for lunch. We stay in touch. Not as much as I would like to, but as much as I’m capable of at the moment. It’s not that I don’t want to talk more, see her more, communicate better, it’s just that I don’t intiate it often enough.

I’m not going to say I don’t have time. I could make time. We always make time for what or WHO is important to us if we are honest. At the moment, I just don’t want to always do it. Maybe I need to, maybe I should, but some days I just can’t.

She works, she has a husband, she has a life. She gets it. She assured me she is always there for me, always available to talk, has a spare room if we need a place to stay overnight. But, she said she doesn’t always know what to say and doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. She’s a great listener, so she listens, encourages and is supportive.

Like I told her, you don’t have to say anything.

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Proverbs 17:17

I appreciate all the calls and text messages I get from my friends and family. I welcome them, I really do. I don’t appreciate the ones who just want the story. I’m not trying to hurt any feelings, I’m just being real. And, if I’m anything right now, I’m real. Sorry if that steps on any toes, but like I said, it’s not about you.

My life is full of ups and downs. There are only a few people who I talk to on a regular basis, who keep me grounded, and I’m pretty sure you know who you are. It’s just the way it is.

I won’t deny I need a village. I need a village of encouragement, of prayers, of constant positivity. I need a village of support for my kids, of understanding, of compassion, of caring hearts and constant praying.

And, if you’re part of my village, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Like I said, I love hearing from my friends, getting text messages or voicemails from you; know that I’m just not always good at communicating back right now and being the best kind of friend. I have good intentions. But, like I said don’t take it personal, it’s not about you.

Please keep the text messages, the voicemails, the “hey I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you,” or the “you are on my mind and in my prayers” messages coming. I like hearing from my friends, I really do.

I want all of you to know I will be here for you if you need me. I will listen to you cry about the fight you had with your husband. I will give you a hug and tell you it’s going to be fine when your son tells you he hates living at home. I will always be here for you to listen to your problems, let you vent, give you a hug, go to lunch with you, or whatever it is you need. I really will.

I’m not too busy for my friends. Not too wrapped up in my own problems. And, my problems aren’t more important than yours. My problems are just mine, and they consume me every day. They sidetrack me with distractions, but I’m here.

Some days, I live in another world all by myself. One that just grips me like a vise. I get lost in my own mind. A place I imagine is similiar to what Hell is like, a dark pit where I am just spiraling out of control, falling to the bottom of an endless pit.

It’s OK. I don’t go there as often as I once did. More often now, I pray and talk to God.

When we first got the cancer diagnosis I told some friends, but didn’t tell everyone. Of course people wanted to know what was going on, but I didn’t want to talk about it. I needed some space on the subject, I needed some time to digest it all.

By the next spring pretty much everyone knew and I felt I couldn’t go to the grocery without someone approaching me. Sometimes it was without any very nice thought out words, but hey, I know it’s hard to know what to say. Sometimes, I just don’t want to talk about it.

Anyway, when we got bad news again last summer, I turned into a hermit-like person, and stayed away from everyone. It made life easier in some ways, but I felt alienated from my own world. I guess because I was in a sense and in another dark place.

It’s kind of like being at that party, underdressed with everyone looking at you, talking under their breath, wondering what you are doing there anyway. All of a sudden you are in the spotlight, up on a tight rope, alone and without a net. No where to go and no one to catch you.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I’m sorry I don’t talk more in the group chat, I’m sorry I don’t go to lunch always. I’m sorry we don’t come for the get togethers. I’m sorry for everything.

I have good intentions of always doing things, being a part of socializing and in the crowd. Some days I would just rather be alone in my own house, than alone in a crowd.

It has been too long since I’ve seen my daughters. My child had the flu twice within a month, is still working on getting well, over an illness. We have college visits and college decisions, we have sports, we have other family worries, and we have all the normal concerns of a family. Just like everyone else.

And then, we have cancer.

I’m sorry if I’m not as friendly as I should be. I’m sorry I don’t engage in small talk. I’m sorry if it seems awkward at times to be around me. Please don’t feel like you have to treat me any differently if you see me at the ball field or the grocery or anywhere. Don’t be obliged to talk about anything in particular or bring up the elephant in the room. Just act normal. It’s OK, you aren’t suppose to say anything in particular or know what to say.

That goes for all of my family, too.

None of us know how to act, how to avoid the obvious. We are just doing our best to be an ordinary family.

Any kind of normality is our aim.

And, that elephant in the room? We are just dealing with him one bite at a time.

xo

Posted in Self Help

Rhetorical Questions

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Cancer will take you through hell and back, but yesterday we just had to travel through a snowstorm.

How did everyone like our snowy weather?

The boys would have loved a little more on the ground this morning to go out and be boys in, but for me I was out in it enough last night.

The drive to the Cancer Center yesterday was filled with non-stop rain. After emerging from our two-hour visit in the basement, out of touch with the outside world, we were greeted with a blanket of white, and snow falling like crazy. I couldn’t believe how hard it was coming down.

The drive home wasn’t too bad, other than witnessing the after effects of accident after accident. But, the snow continued to fall, slowly mixing with rain the closer east we got.

I was ready to be home, but so hyped from the day that sleep wasn’t on my mind.

Another round of treatments over with and a short break before we go to the next step. I welcome the break, but there’s always the “what’s next” part that’s lurking in the back of my mind.

Why does life have to be plagued with next steps?

I guess the answer is pretty simple. The alternative may not be a better option.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

It got me thinking how one choice, one decision, one thought, one incident, one diagnosis leads to what happens next. Every thing we do, think about, decide and under some circumstances have no control over ultimatley affects what comes next.

I know it’s up to the Lord, and we as mortals have no say so in what happens throughout our life, even when we like to think our decisions and choices matter.

Do our choices really not affect our destiny? We are the ones who live with them.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

We’ve all had one of those moments where we have thought to ourselves one choice or action prevented something else bad from happening, or maybe something good.

Last week after leaving the grocery, I decided to make a quick last minute stop before heading home. It was only about a 10 minute detour, but I realized later if I had headed straight home I may have been involved in an accident that was ahead of me.

I couldn’t help but think maybe that was God’s work.

Yesterday, on the drive home I had some of the same thoughts.

I don’t want someone in my family to have to fight cancer. I don’t want this to consume our lives. I don’t want my children to struggle. I don’t want this to be happening at all.

But, in reality I’m helpless. Powerless. Defenseless. In a fight that isn’t fair. In a fight that I have no control over.

Then, I think what is fair about life? And, am I really paralyzed?

For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.

 Deuteronomy 20:4

I could name 10 things off the top of my head that’s unjust and keep going. The thought makes my eyes burn. My heart aches. My stomach is uneasy.

Other struggles pop up in the back of my mind, but I quickly push them back. I can’t solve the problems of everyone today, even though I know at some point in the days ahead I will have to face them.

That’s for some tomorrow in the near future. Today, I concern myself with what is here in front of me at the moment. Just take things one step at a time everyone says.

Although, is one day at a time, one step at a time really the answer? I get tired of people telling me that all the time. They don’t know what I’m dealing with. And, if I have any faith in God, why do I need to take things one day at a time?

Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.

 Isaiah 40:31

It’s so ironic how we spend our lives planning out our days, our weeks, our months. Planning meals, vacations, carpools for the week. Scheduling appointments, birthday celebrations, play dates and dinner parties. Saving for college, graduation, anniversaries. All to get ahead and make life more manageable. Yet, when we come to a road block, a hurdle, or a challenge, we have to take it easy, not get ahead of ourselves and take one day at a time.

It doesn’t make sense in a way. It seems kind of backwards.

Do we live life in reverse?

People always say don’t worry about the future. Don’t worry about tomorrow?

But, don’t we spend our whole life planning for that? Don’t we plan for the future all the time?

Why do we have all these double standards?

Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be established.

Proverbs 16:3

It is hard to accept we are not in control of our lives, or what happens to us or our loved ones. It’s difficult to swallow the fact we cannot protect those who matter the most.

We all have to be willing to accept the consequences of our actions and acknowledge we are not in control. Some things just happen. Call it fate, because it is inevitable. 

Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.

Ecclesiastes 6:1

All these questions in my mind. Many, I already have the answer, even though it may be hidden somewhere in front of me in plain sight. Others, I’m searching for validation and fighting to accept. Obviously, some I don’t want to acknowledge, not quite yet.

Does time really heal all pain?

I hope so.

I have a right to be sad about some things some days. Some days I just have a right to be sad. But, don’t let your heart be mournful about it or feel the need to answer my rhetorical questions. I know the writing is on the wall, facing full-frontal, but sometimes the heart just needs another day before it sees what the mind already knows.

And, some days we just need a few minutes alone to regain our peace.

Posted in Self Help, Uncategorized

Seeking Peace

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Today, it’s rainy and the weather is depicting my afternoon mood. I’ve had some time to sit and think, and just have my mind to myself.

Ever feel like some days you’re in this pool of water and you don’t know which way to turn to get out of it?

It’s kind of one of those days for me. It’s not a bad day, but you know how things go when you have time to think too much? Unfortunately, I’m at a crossroad with not much say in which way to go.

Life is just so full of pandemonium and sorrow. I feel like my mind is racing a 100 miles an hour, and I cannot slow it down. I don’t really know where the anxiety comes from today.

HA! Really, who am I fooling? I should say I don’t know which direction the anxiety is coming from today, because it’s coming from all directions.

I feel like everywhere I turn there are dilemmas, uproars, battles, and drama. Doesn’t anyone appreciate peace anymore?

I close my eyes, rub my temples, and wish my head would stop pounding. Some days I just need to go over things in my head, work through them and find my own comfort. Other days I think about everything going on around me, most of what I can do nothing about, and it consumes me like a black cloud.

It’s heartbreaking. And, almost impossible to stop. My family has been known to not tell me about situations going on just so I won’t worry. It’s not really that I worry all the time, like they think, it’s just so much chaos bewilders my brain. It puts me on overload.

I feel like I’m such a good multi-tasker. Organized. Fab time manager.

Why, do I carry the weight of the world?

I was talking to a friend recently, and we were having a discussion about how men and women are wired differently. I think that is so true, but I think different personalities are wired different, also.

Some men should be women and vice versa.

I have joked about that with a few couples I know saying the man is more like a woman with sappy feelings and tears in his eyes, balling over the last episode of This is Us.

I feel some people are empathetic, wear their heart on their sleeve, always think about others, are generous, kind and care about the overall human race. We will title them do-gooders.

Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.

Luke 6:38

Others think more in the form of me or I, are more self-centered, bullyish at times, selfish and prefer to do for themselves without considering doing for others. Whether they are this way by default or it never even crossed their mind is up for debate and depends on the person of course. With uncertainty of how to refer to them, we will call them an egoist.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.

Phillippians 2:3

Who’s happier of the two?

I think many of us have an answer, or at least an opinion, so I will leave that for you to think about. I feel a good deal of us have a little of both in us, or at least in some situations; however most, like many people in general, either think about themselves or primarily worry about others.

The Lord wants us to show humility, forgive, be patient, and live by The Golden Rule…

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Matthew 7:12

I had coffee with a friend today, and she made me feel so good when she said my blog makes her want to do more and do better. I hope everyone feels that way.

I want to feel better, do better, show good to the world and share what I’m going through in hopes of helping others find some inner peace.

Too often we are mistaken. We believe our happiness, our inner peace come from somewhere or someone. You may have outside contributions or influences, but that destination is only reached from within.

Dig deep inside your soul and find it. It is there, somewhere, waiting in a calm setting, with a quintessential mindset in a serene moment. Seek God, and as you calm your mind and search for peace within your heart….It will come to you.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid

John 14:27

Posted in Self Help

Life’s Little Instruction Book

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

I have some of those little life instruction books somewhere around the house.

Remember those?

Some days I think I need to dig them out, reread them and figure this life thing out. But, I don’t think life comes with a real instruction book.

Or, does it?

Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.

Proverbs 19:20

I’m the first to admit over the last year and a half I have been a real mess. My family knows better than anyone, and I kind of felt bad the other day when I was talking to my uncle and he said sometimes my blog makes him feel bad. Then, he said for me to keep writing.

I hope he, and all my family, realize what a comfort it is to have them to talk to and listen, and what a blessing my blog has been for me. I will apologize to all of them in advance, but I don’t think I’m through the storm yet.

I guess I’m glad people worry about me, but really I don’t want them to worry. Even though I know they still do.

I understand.

It’s all kind of hypocritical coming from me since we all know I worry A LOT! I don’t mean to, it’s just I can’t stop my mind from reeling. It’s possible my thoughts don’t focus in the right place. When I make a conscious effort to accept what is and trust God with the rest, I can actually stop the worry.

At least for awhile.

Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in my children’s struggles, and my own, that I forget to take a breath, look to my side and ask God for help. I am trying, it’s just a work in progress.

There are a handful of challenging days and “fall to my knees” moments, but I realize this is the new normal. Right now, this is our world.

I don’t claim to be perfect. I falter. But, I also know how to pick myself up.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:29-31

The chaos, the uncertainties, the burdens, the overwhelming number of trips to the cancer center, and living with the unknown is all part of life. It takes some getting accustomed to, but under all of this disarray there’s some good to be found.

If you haven’t lived it, you won’t understand.

My overall health is getting better, my anxiety isn’t as bad and I don’t cry everyday. I will never be the same again, but change in my life is inevitable. My whole motivation to get myself back together is my children. They are everything to me.

I look at it with a weird sort of analogy. When on an airplane and the cabin loses pressure the oxygen masks fall from the ceiling, passengers are instructed to first put on their own mask, and then assist children with theirs. It just took me awhile to adjust my mask. But, I want my children to know I am here now.

Don’t panic. We’ve got this!

It may still be messy at times, but it will be OK.

I’ve tried to become more aware of how to help my kids deal with their dad being sick. It took some hard knocks, plenty of pain for our family and some undeniable facts to realize maybe we have all made some mistakes. People take all sorts of avenues to deal with life’s nasty truths, and most of them aren’t pretty.

In most cases we assume a serious life threatening illness would bring a family together. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it just doesn’t. We all deal with pain and reality in different manners, at different paces, with different resources.

People have no idea how cancer can tear a family apart. It can take some bad situations and make them worse, cause problems in finances, relationships, mental health and even addictions. People don’t think about that, but it’s true more often than anyone would like to admit.

Most everything I have read says be honest and realistic with your children about cancer. Honest about the state of health and the illness, then, realistic about quality of life, diagnosis and the effects.

Reading can comfort you, warn you of the eruption that can occur, provide resources and aid, but it can’t predict.

Everyone digests facts and their discernments differently. My children all have differing personalities and traits that have enabled them to absorb our situation in their own way. Some of them have handled it much better than others.

For me, I have used faith to come to grips with all the woes. The Lord has helped comfort me when I could not change the circumstances, provided me with strength I didn’t know existed, and helped me weather the trek.

I have realized I can read all the books in the world for advice on how to talk to my children about cancer in our family. I can encourage them to talk to me about their feelings, seek God’s help, or go to counseling. What I can’t do is tell them how to feel, expect them not to worry or tell them what will or will not work for them.

I can only offer advice and support them.

I can be strong for them when they can’t be strong for themselves, tell them I love them and pray for them. I can get them help if they need it, I can ask for God to give them strength and lead them.

I can assure them the Lord is always there for us, they are stronger than they know, and we will get through all of this together, but I can’t help them if they aren’t willing to help themselves. And, more importantly I can’t stop the bad news that keeps coming at us.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I can be their mother, be a fighter, be the anchor in the storm, and show them unconditional love that never fails. But, in the end the best I can do for them is to tell them to have faith and trust in God’s little instruction book.

Posted in Self Help

Saving Grace

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Do you ever feel like God is sending you a message, tugging at your heart to do something, using you to help others?

Ever since I got over the initial shock of my husband having cancer, I have felt this pulling at my heartstrings. It has been a constant hunch, and one I just kept searching to find the cause, the reasoning, the purpose of.

My life has been a whirlwind of letdowns, disappointments, heartbreak and tough to swallow moments in the last year and a half. Let me tell you it has been a long, difficult road I never imagined I would still be on.

Actually, if I’m honest, I say STILL be on, because if it weren’t for some realizations and people in my life I probably would not be sitting here writing this blog, or even living for that matter.

It is AMAZING what can happen if you pick yourself up (with a little help), have a conscious mind to keep moving forward, stay positive and trust the Lord.

I am a better person because of ALL the hard times I have been going through. I am so glad I have my faith to carry me through, because without it I wouldn’t be able to do anything I can do. There really is such a thing called saving grace.

If you look up “saving grace” in Dictionary you will find the meaning as, “the redeeming grace of God; the sudden intervention of God’s saving grace; a redeeming quality or characteristic.”

If you turn to the biblical meaning of saved by grace it’s more along the lines of receiving a gift from God that we do not deserve. Despite the fact we did nothing for Him, He sent his only son to pay for our sins.

My daughter attends Baylor University in Waco, Texas, and goes to Harris Creek Baptist Church there. She talks about it often and the lead pastor, Jonathan Pokluda, who she refers to as JP. She really likes JP and asked for his book, Welcome to Adulting, which she got for Christmas.

A couple of weeks ago she told me I should watch the live feed of Sunday’s service and check out JP’s sermon, which our family did. A good message, liked his preaching but I can’t recall what the sermon was about.

However, this past Sunday we all tuned in, and I can tell you almost everything JP had to say. His message had an enormous impact on me, and I walked away thinking about it every day since. For me, it was a moment of validation in my life.

Be kind, help others, turn negatives into positives, always trust God and let him lead us, and receive the gifts you are given with grace.

According to JP and his sermon this is some of what he had to say:

"Grace saves you. Undeserved kindness of God means you have been saved. 
Grace changes you. Faith changes what you do and you trust in it. Grace humbles you. Boast in your weakness not in your words."

As soon as I heard those words, JP had my attention. It was as if he were speaking to ME. 

For it is by grace you have been saved,
through faith—and this is not from yourselves,
it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no
one can boast.

Ephesians 2:8-9

I named my blog Grace Love Biscuits because I wanted it to exhibit everything I loved and what I wanted to do in my life. Originally, Grace was going to be Peace, but after talking it over with my oldest daughter I felt Grace was more suitable. I wasn’t certain about the reasoning. At the time I just thought it was better, and now I know why.

Grace is all the blessings bestowed upon me. But, actually Grace is more than all that. It’s the undeserved kindness, it’s my undying faith, and my humbleness. It’s the kindness I receive and give. It’s my strong faith. It’s my trust in the Lord that I can handle what is given to me, no matter how bad or good.

A couple of people have helped me tremendously get to where I am, along with the Lord, and now JP. I’m so grateful. Without love, encouragement, and some graceful souls who maybe should have given up on me, I am in a much better place.

Stronger.

Kinder.

Smarter.

Humbled.

And, even able to admit my weaknesses and talk about them in the open.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect 
in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

I owe so much to so many people for their unconditional love and support. I owe God for not giving up on me and His unconditional love.

JP said, “Take your mess and make it your message. Receive grace and extend it to others. Walk in humility and extend it to others.”

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful,just as your Father is merciful.

Luke 6:35-36

I stumble every day. I’m a sinner. Some days I’m a downright mess. I pray for strength every single day. But, I have so much gratitude for all the grace in my life.

And, my youngest daughter, she has made me so proud going to Baylor, trusting her journey and remaining so strong. She has been a kind of GRACE to me I will never be able to describe, but one I could not live without. Her strength, her faith, her will, and the courage she portrays is so admirable. The last few weeks she has been my Saving Grace, and the name so suits her. xo

So, this is my unfolding message…all from a messy life.