I barely get through one hurdle and I am fighting another one. Does it ever end?
Every time I think I have found peace some force comes from out of nowhere and slams into the back of me. It’s like I can see it in my rear view mirror, but I can’t get ahead of it. It always catches up with me.
In the last six weeks I’ve experienced every emotion imaginable. There are so many issues I’m dealing with and so many people I’m trying to help.
The other night, I thought to myself how am I doing all this?
How am I not a hot mess right now?
How has all this not affected me more negatively, pushed me back down in that pit?
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.Philippians 4:6-9
I did feel myself going back down, falling into that pit. The pessimistic emotions were creeping back up on my mind, pushing me down and I could feel myself slipping.
Sadly, it felt familiar, almost comforting but in a vulnerable way. I felt almost in a comfort zone. Misery loves company. It was a common place that I once lived in and it got to be too comfortable. I could live there and make myself numb, shut out the outside world and just accept life as the devil wanted me to accept it.
The only problem living there was it’s unhealthy and diseased. Much like an addict cannot easily rid themself of drugs and alcohol until they admit they have a problem and seek help is similar to how a depressed soul lives. It’s a vicious cycle, and one you become accustomed to living because you can’t find your way out.
I felt that self pity and depressed spirit taking over and it felt natural. But why did I feel like that was a good place? A comfort zone?
It was as if I was telling myself this is where I should be, stay here it’s familiar. It was a weird feeling, and for a second I was almost convinced I needed to stay.
But, a light bulb went off, and there was screaming to fight back. I wasn’t going there without a fight. That common feeling wasn’t suppose to console me. It was easy, but it wasn’t good. Maybe it was a trap.
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.1 Peter 8-9
Fighting was going to take effort so I repositioned my racing mind with a conscious attempt to pull myself out. Looking back maybe the devil had ahold of me, whispering in my ear telling me that was a place I wanted to be again. I started praying that night and I prayed and prayed. I was lying in bed dozing and in and out of sleep, restless in my attack until I finally drifted off. I awoke early, tired, with a troubled mind, and I prayed until I again veered off in my sleep. This time I found peace.
A few nights later came another night thinking about what I fear, and what I know from experience. Another hurdle, another bad bout, another hurdle. Why do they keep coming at me?
The death of an old childhood friend shook me this weekend. Cancer, bad news, death, sudden death…it doesn’t stop. Is it the way of the times or just reality with age? Some of these people aren’t that old, and the truth death can come at any day doesn’t leave me without an uneasiness.
It’s not that I’m scared of death, but rather scared of the pain of losing everyone I love. Why do I fear the pain so much?
What am I suppose to do? I don’t know the reasoning behind all this chaos. But, am I suppose to know the reasoning behind all the barriers in life? I don’t think that is how life works. I think back about where I’ve been, that dark place I came from and how I got to now. How am I still standing? And what’s to come?
All rhetorical questions I know, but still ones that cross my mind time to time when I suffer in a weak moment.
Don’t doubt God and don’t question him. It’s not our worry. I know this, but I still allow myself down this road every now and again. It is a dangerous place to travel with those demons.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.
By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.Hebrews 11:1-3
Even in my faith I sometimes find wonder. I do not claim to know it all, as I am always learning the word of God. This could be the calm before the storm where feelings live somewhere in a hidden delusion. And, maybe I’m not really OK.