2/23/2020
Tonight, I lie in bed alone with my eyes fighting sleep, but my mind is racing. All sorts of thoughts running through my head, reminiscing about my life when I was a child. Why is this on my mind tonight?
I don’t know why I am reminded of running around barefoot in the cold blades of grass, out to the garden where my Pawpaw drove the tractor, where I ran behind it with the cold dirt sifting between my toes as I picked up potatoes. Why tonight do I remember that so clearly?
And why is it on my mind?
I look back at my life and the vision is just as if it were yesterday. But, for some reason today seems blurry, and I can hardly see right in front of me. I close my eyes and imagine I am right there outdoors at this moment. I never thought I would be here where I am now. It’s not the image I had embedded inside my memories, it’s not what it’s suppose to be.
This is not the way my story was supposed to go.
I close my eyes and try to focus on the moment, the present, but it’s hazy, hidden in the darkness.
Lost.
I remember the nights I would sit on my bed and stare off into the blankness, focusing on the tiny blue flowers on my wallpapered wall, so deep in thought I didn’t know if I was real or not.
Maybe I was lost then, too.
10 Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10
That was another one of my sleepless nights, and I don’t know why I was thinking about my childhood. It’s ironic how we are reminded of particular moments when we have certain situations going on in our life.
I guess most of us don’t really end up living the life we envisioned in our childlike mind. I’m not exactly sure how I expected my life to be, but I know I didn’t expect what it is right now.
I find it interesting, sometimes funny, the memories my mind chooses to pick out and remind me of at specifc times in my life. I often wonder if I suppress individual memories, saving them for another time, or maybe not at all.
Perhaps, I am protected from some, or maybe they are just savored for another day.
I frequently stare at the family picture above the fireplace, when my children were young, and wonder what filled their minds. All the smiles, the cuteness, the innocence. I speculate they have memories of that day like I do, but different ones stick out in their mind.
Sometimes I think about what their dreams were, what they thought their life was like and would become. I know for me I thought many situations would be something other than what they are. I didn’t think I would worry so much about them, have some of the conflicts we have, or even the wounds as a result.
Many variables have made today what it is. Numerous situations that life has dealt have affected us all in a way that will go unchanged. Many conversations, good and bad, never forgotten. Many situations lodged forever in our mind.
I gaze at that picture hanging, and I pray they will all find their peace within this life. They will all keep those smiles they donned that day, the glimmer in their eyes will never fade and they will manuever their way through the roadblocks they encounter. I pray they will find a state of happiness that will endure and overcome the hurdles that may haunt their dreams.
Whether or not they thank me or blame me for problems they have endured, situations they have faced, or the life they have been dealt, I hope they will know I am their mother who offers unconditional love and support that only comes with the price of respect.
6 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
Ephesians 6:1-3
Being a mother, although not always the best one, has been my greatest joy and reward of my life. Being a family, being one another’s best friend, and knowing we have each other’s back ALWAYS has been a wonderful bonus.
In spite of roadblocks and twists and turns ahead, I hope my two pair, my four corners of my world, know that I will always be their mother no matter where their journey takes them. A part of me that is woven into my soul, they will forever be in my heart, even at times when it may be broken. xo
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3
grace love biscuits 