It’s an early morning for me. Ironically, my favorite time when the house is quiet, and I am alone with my thoughts in spite of the fact I’m not at all an early riser. I’m a night owl, but I love my sleep when it decides to finally come to me.
This morning I awoke early, unable to rest, my mind flooded with worry and thoughts of everything I’m dealing with in life. The mounding stack of medical bills to pay, the incessant virus, the relentless quarantine, unable to see my
distant family, my daughter still away, cancer, kids, and on and on my mind spiraling out of control.
How did my sanity get here this early? Sometimes I can feel my thoughts reeling as I’m sleeping. And how do I know this? I awake restless, tense with my thoughts racing. I just know.
The bedlam in my life creates a perfect storm in my head. So many obstacles to overcome. Thoughts of the future, what tomorrow brings and what yesterday has done.
The commotion puts me on overload. I have been crying inside for days, at moments unable to hold back the tears, the pain, the brokenness I feel inside. My shoulders feel heavy, my heart aches, I have a pit in my stomach.
It happens every so often. I go through an ungovernable cycle.
Many times it begins the week we travel to the Cancer Center, the mental exhaustion sets in, impressions are made resulting in realities of the situation. Like a balloon it gets bigger and bigger, so full until it finally bursts.
Most would tell me to pray, trust in God, have faith. And, I’m telling you I do.
A year ago the process was debilitating, but time and hope, friends and faith have led me to the place I now reside. I’m better, really I am.
For those who have never walked in my shoes and even know all that I am dealing with, it is a load to process. I simply cannot just dump it all at once without sorting it out inside my brain. At times I feel like I must declutter and try to process what exactly I am dealing with before I can hand it over.
As some would say, it’s just the way I’m wired.
I read a lot. Not books lately, but a lot of everything else. A cluster of topics including cancer, ailments within my family, devotions and quotes, spiritual works and anything else that my mind makes me wonder about.
This morning, I can’t sleep and contrary to everything running through my mind my thoughts revert back to God.
Regardless of the mountain in front of me, I have so much to be grateful for. Simple things that easily get overlooked. More money needs to go out than is coming in, but we still have the obvious necessities of life…food, a roof and don’t forget toilet paper.
My daughter is safe with friends and family who will look out for her. She is not alone, and I will get her home soon, one way or another.
I can still talk to my family, even though I can’t see all of them right now. They are here with me.
For the most part my children are healthy. I have friends, family and people who check in on me. There’s a sweet teacher friend who brought us a delicious dinner, has been there if I need an ear and helped with something I mistakenly forgot. She has made me gracious with her caring and kindness.
And, I have so much love and appreciation for everyone who has chosen to be a part of my world. It is not an easy task to be my friend right now, but a few have remained irregardless.
I have hope, I have faith. And, I have the Lord. I am blessed in so many ways, and there’s an abundance of gratitude in spite of it all.
Life is full of battles, and heartbreak and pain and struggles, but if I look closer it’s full of so much more. There is room for my grateful heart.
Life is difficult. It is mostly uphill. Remember that.
The sooner I accepted it, the easier it got and my expectations changed. We cannot alter life to fit our wants and needs. Most of the time it alters us.
Life is a challenge in our changing world filled with turmoil, selfishness and disgrace. It’s a reminder what we should seek the most are not the objects many of us desire.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”Matthew 6:33