Posted in Self Help

Morning Peace

I’m not really a morning person, but I love early mornings when the world is just waking up and there is peace and quiet. The trees sway in the morning air, the birds sing and there is solitude. The house is silent and my mind is calm.

These are the moments I can relax in this soundless hour with only a distant chirping in the outside daybreak. The bluebirds exit their house for their morning mealtime and the squirrels hang from the bird feeder in a desperate attempt to snatch what they can before they fall.

Nature is so innocent and serene. The exact opposite of the realm I live in.

An angry world with chaos and uncertainty. It is spreading like wildfire. The fear, the despair, the ambiguity. Spiraling out of control without a safety net.

We are all in some of this together, yet it is far from our domain. Is my morning peacefulness just a facade?

Outside of it lies a place of precariousness I cannot comprehend. It is a space I do not want to occupy, one I cannot allow myself to inhabit at the moment.

It is all too much, and I find myself only able to battle with one attack at a time. The thought of any more than that engulfs my mind with anxiety and frustration, sending me to the edge.

Ultimately, my morning peace is taken over by movement and reality sets in. Another day with the same personal battle, but hopeful the waking hour has brought a refreshed start with it.

One step at a time, one foot in front of the other, with the Lord by my side. It is the only way to approach and fight this beast.

This unstoppable beast that has stolen so much of my tranquil mindfulness and so much more.

Eventually, I know the obstacles will bring darkness and surround me. My faith, my prayers, the Lord is my only salvation.

I pray the darkness will not overcome me, and the Lord will grant me a peaceful asylum.

Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way. The Lord be with you all.

2 Thessalonians 3:16
Posted in Family, Self Help

Family Blessings

The days seem to run together for us lately. It’s like we are just living one day to get to the next, not thinking about what we are doing or what our purpose is other than to just get from one moment to the next.

I asked my dad if he ever thought he would live through a time like this. He said he never thought he would.

I think about the events my grandparents lived through, depressions and wars. They didn’t know much if anything about computers, and my grandmother was amazed with FaceTime not long before she died. She lived through so much, yet our lives hardly touched when it came to ways of living. She grew up and lived in a world I barely know, and my world outgrew her long before she died.

It almost makes me sad. When my grandmother died we all gathered at her home, and my children loved listening to my dad and uncle talk about when they were kids. It was hours of rehashed memories, listening to them talk about the fun they had growing up, and their unpretentious life.

It makes me yearn for simpler times. I’m so thankful my boys knew their great grandparents. Their knowledge of living is something you cannot just learn in a history book. And, it’s a tale never to be forgotten.

I relish the times I have with my family. I am thankful for my dad and my uncle and the relationships I have with them as well as the ones they have with my kids. Family bestows all the joys in life.

I will never take the memories I have for granted, nor will I ever regret the close relationships I have kept. I will welcome time spent reminiscing, and I just pray my children will do the same. I will continuously be thankful for all the family who I have been blessed with in my life.

More than ever I want my children to spend time with grandparents and uncles and aunts and their dad and me making those precious moments that will later become the highlights of their life. One day, that is all there will be.

This week, more setbacks were thrown at our feet, and tonight, I find myself more sentimental than yesterday. I can’t help it, things always seem to weigh on my mind.

It’s difficult not to focus on the truths lurking around you. It’s hard to constantly be positive when there’s so much negative flooding your life. I have learned it takes mental strength and an abundance of willpower. Some days I simply don’t have enough of either.

It’s two in the morning, and my mind is heavy. The effort of sorting through my thoughts helps clear my head. Despite being overtired, I haven’t been able to find sleep tonight. There’s more in my mind that needs digesting.

I may not have solved the world’s problems, or totally found the peace I need, but I have reminded myself of all my blessings and those I am most thankful for tonight.

In this time of uncertainty we should take the time for ourselves. Search our souls for our inner peace and find all that is good in our lives. In times of despair we are so vulnerable and quick to focus on the negative. Stop and pray, focus on our own being and don’t let the pandemonium of the world steal our inner peace.

Radiate humility, meditate, and count the many blessings every minute of the day.

Posted in Cancer, Self Help

There is Light

Is everyone feeling a little more anxious today? Overwhelmed?

With the latest announcement of school closing until May 15, I imagine many of us are banging our heads against a wall asking, WHY?

We want to go to work, go to school, have teachers teach in a classroom, work from our workplace office, go to the gym, the grocery store, church, baseball games and parties. Can’t we just get back to normal?

Honestly, I want more than anything for life to get back to normal. But, I’ve been praying for life to get back to normal for a long, long time. Our family has been practicing some social distancing on and off, during flu season, chemo and infections.

My husband is fighting cancer for his life, and I have this pit in my stomach. This pandemic is just upping the game!

In the back of my mind, I’m worried about this virus and my family being around someone who may have been exposed. At first I didn’t cut my children off 100 percent from their friends, allowing some outdoor interaction and a visit here and there. It has been hard, but honestly, the last 609 days have been hard.

This virus scares me more and more everyday, but to tell the truth, cancer is what is scaring me the most. It’s spiraling out of control and this beast won’t stop. Nothing has stopped it. NOTHING! And, there’s no mad dash to find a vaccine or a cure or even the cause.

609 Days!

Days consumed with stress, worry, tears, restfulness, concern. Many of those days involved clinic or hospital visits, travel, setbacks and uneasiness.

But, all of those days involved blessings and prayers, love, family, and thankfulness. Some had laughter, some had tears, but there was continuous gratitude for God.

10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

Some of us go through private storms others don’t have to experience. Some of us go through storms as a community, a state, a nation or a world. And, some of us are going through both.

Negativity spreads like wildfire. Complaining creates chaos. The “blame game” doesn’t solve a thing. We are all doing the best we can in these uncharted waters so just STOP complaining and blaming everyone. Just stop! It’s not what our society needs and it’s not what our kids need.

Our children are struggling with school abruptly ending, no sports, no prom, and maybe no graduation. Their futures are lingering in the unknown, and just maybe they need us to remain calm and positive.

It’s understandable because each of us has unknowns in our life. We all have struggles, but we just need to show some compassion. Display a little humility. Count our blessings.

Turn off the TV, step away from social media and just for a little while step away from the commotion, enjoy family and partake in some fun. Get our minds off the negative and be thankful for what we have. Help our children through it.

It really could be worse, but we can get through this.

Find our message in our mess!

Be Humble and Kind!

Choose Faith over Fear!

Find Joy!

Maybe we can’t create total Peace on Earth! But, we can show a little kindness, be a good friend or neighbor, help our children through the uncertainties, and surround ourselves with positivity.

Be optimistic, there is light at the end of the tunnel. We just have to look for it.

Posted in Cancer

Essentials Only

Do you ever just have a bad feeling about something? 

You just know it in your gut because you feel the start of this uneasiness. That’s me.

 It’s like clockwork, like the rise and fall of a breathing machine. My journey is consumed with unexpected twists and turns, and I never know what’s going to jump out in front of me next and send me in a tailspin.

Everyone has been worrying about this crazy virus, but me, I’ve been worrying about this crazy cancer. And, let me tell you sarcoma is an unforgiving beast with a strength that is unknown to men.

The fierceness it has is unimaginable, like “the terminator,” unleashing fury and regenerating itself. It fights back harder than you know, with an unstoppable force. It’s scary because nothing seems to kill it, not for long if at all.

I can only imagine what it looks like under a microscope, from one day to the next, taking over and consuming everything in its path like an evil force.

I’m sitting here in the ER parking lot crying in the car alone, as my husband is in the ER alone getting treated. It is without my knowledge of who is the doctor or what they are doing. And that, that is unsettling to me.

I am his caregiver. He is the father of my children. I have been right there the whole way, going through this as if it is me fighting for my life.

Those of you who know my story know this is unsettling to me and you know why. I don’t want him to be here, but it’s the best option at the moment. I have no control, and I can’t stand it.

I understand this virus is serious, and I understand the why of where I am right now. But, I don’t have to like the fact he is alone in there, and I am out here.

I’m not judging any of you, but if you are out doing non-essential things please stop. Please?

Trust me, you don’t want to need medical care right now. You don’t want to go to the hospital and be alienated from your family. Believe me when I say it’s not a feeling you want to experience at the moment

Have you even thought about that?

Our family has been fighting this cancer for 606 days…TOGETHER!

13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

James 5:13-16

I bet our healthcare providers, ER workers, first responders, and all those other essential people want to sleep at night and not worry about infecting their families. People, please stay home so this will go away because I don’t wish my today on anyone. xo


Posted in Self Help

Love Your Life

When my husband got sick with cancer it felt like I was living in a glass house. Scared and afraid to make a move not knowing how to navigate my way.

Until that point, I spent so much time looking for a happiness that didn’t exist. I was lost, wandering around in my life without a destination or a roadmap.

Sure I was a mother of four, a wife, a volunteer, a sister, a baseball mom, a daughter, a niece, a friend. In a sense though, I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I had become a stranger to my own world and didn’t know where I fit in.

I needed a purpose. I needed to have my own meaning.

Most of us would like to sit back and pretend we don’t know what I’m talking about. Many would point to their picture perfect life with a white picket fence, a praiseworthy marriage, and a June Cleaver suburban lifestyle. But, let’s face it, we all know, honestly, we are lying. To ourselves and to each other.

Stop being a pretender.

When you try to change yourself to pretend to be somebody else, you don’t feel comfortable. It is beautiful to be what you are.

Jean Paul Gaultier

If we are being honest, and I’m telling you we ARE being honest, none of us have exactly that do we? Not all of it, and not all the time. We have troubles with our children, fights with our spouse, fed up moments we want to run away, or insecurities or doubts about what the heck we are doing.

We are sick of selfish partners, tired of spoiled or fighting children, broken from being walked on or taken for granted, and envious of our friends who we think have it all. We are lost somewhat without a purpose and scrambling for a way to find one.

All of us feel some of that and some of us feel all of that. Let’s be real. I’ll be the first to admit my life is far, far from ideal even if you take the cancer out of it. I thought that before, and now it’s more accurate and obvious than ever.

Life is a challenge. It’s a challenge for all of us. We all have our troubles. And, it’s OK.

We are fighting battles not everyone knows about. Do you really think the only pain, the only struggle I have in life right now is my husband having cancer?

Don’t be so naïve. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a pretty private person. Everyone was going to find out about the cancer eventually. I’m just trying to get through it, and hopefully help someone else get through their crusade. It helps me to talk about it.

I’ve been a writer my whole life. Sometimes professionally and sometimes for myself. It is my passion. That’s why I do it because I LOVE it. It is what I have always wanted to do, I just took several detours to get here.

Trust me, the illness is one of the many conflicts in my life right now. I could blow you away and make you wonder how I’m still sane. But, that’s my life story. One that I’m not completely ready to talk about with the world quite yet and honestly not anyone’s business.

Think about how much curiosity I’ve sparked and then look in the mirror. It’s so much easier to deal with everyone else’s downfall, from afar, and take the focus off yourself. A safe place to whisper, to judge, to empathize, feel sorry, gossip, or whatever it is you like to do.

If my sad story makes you feel better about yours, then you’re welcome. Take your time and deal with your life when you’re ready.

I’m not going to lie and say it’s an easy place to be. I’m not going to say I don’t struggle with “why?” on several days. I will admit I cry A LOT. For myself and my children and for their dad. It’s hard to face the reasoning of why you have to suffer so much and lose a loved one. There’s nothing easy about it and there’s no silver lining in sight.

If I’ve learned anything… it’s OK to not be OK. It’s fine to cry, to scream, to be mad at God or not understand the reasoning. Some questions just can’t be answered for us.

The will of God will not take us where the grace of God cannot sustain us.”

Billy Graham

You aren’t alone if you don’t have a perfect relationship with your spouse, your children, your boss, or your mother-in-law. You’re not isolated if you have a family feud going on or if you have an addict in your house, your spouse doesn’t give you attention, you can’t pay your bills, or you worry about your children’s future. Everyone is going through something and many of us are going through A LOT.

You’re not alone people. Stop making yourself miserable thinking you are and believing everything you see on social media. Stop comparing. People aren’t posting about their kid flunking math or their spouse staying out til 3 am without an excuse.

Don’t let others make you feel bad about yourself. Just don’t!

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.

Steve Jobs

I have talked to friend after friend about all of this nonsense. Many say they don’t use social media because they can’t stand the negativity or the perfect little life posts. Some say they have struggles with their marriage, worries with their kids, and concerns about careers, families, or their mental well being.

You aren’t the only one going through it. Stop worrying about everyone else. Don’t try to one up people, put down others to make yourself feel better, act like you have a flawless life, or envy others. Spend your time making your life the one you love and long for. In the end, your life is the only one you have to live. xo

Posted in Cancer

Cancer and a Virus

March 12, 2020

As I sit here in the radiology waiting room I look around. Surrounded by the sick, cancer patients, and those struggling through life. The television plays in the background with uninterrupted talk of the coronavirus, cancellations, travel warnings and threats to our everyday world and economy.

Have we all not suffered enough lately? Broken dreams for some of us, private struggles, lots of tears, lots of unknowns, unusual school semesters, family illnesses and life as we always knew it…gone in an instant. It’s a lot to handle, to digest to even think about. There are no words for the pain, uneasiness, regret, and heartbreak. I want life to just be normal, but sadly none of us know what that even is anymore.

I know our family isn’t the only one grappling with reality, but can’t we just make all this stop? Can’t we just catch a break? Can the hurt just cease?

My heart aches for my children. Dealing with their dad being ill is hard enough, but now everywhere we turn things are “messed up.” I keeping asking why and then I stop and remind myself how I need to pray harder.

A feeling of doom enters my space and I stop. Just stop! I know the devil likes it too much and he’s the last one I will give in to. Anger consumes me, and I feel like screaming. I will NEVER let him get to me…EVER.

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.

1 Peter 5:8-9

I looked back at that quick journal entry I wrote last week while in the cancer center and think about how I felt that day and now what it means to me reading it today. It had a significant meaning that day, and today it has another one as well. Fighting cancer is a lot like fight this virus. We are all at the start of a path that we have no idea where it leads.

I’ve already lived one day like that before. I’m not really excited to relive it. This round is a little like a double-edged sword for us.

Uncertainty, unknowns, and fears. Not to mention those who hoard, talk of conspiracy, and the economy. I wish we had the choice to ignore the warnings, go about our business, think this is media hype, but we don’t. And, in all honesty we can’t afford for anyone else to think that way either.

I’m concerned about new diagnoses, upcoming treatments, and honestly how this all is going to play out. Not for the virus, but for the cancer. How is one going to affect the other?

We are in cancer treatment mode. Everything else is just an unwanted bonus that we don’t need or want.

If things do get bad who’s going to get turned away if the medical facilities are too full? Who’s going to get the respirators and who’s going to get the last bed for treatment?

I’ve heard elective surgeries will be postponed, but will chemo treatments get administered or put off? Will scans get done in a timely manner? If you can comprehend how nodules double in size in two months, you probably realize someone may not have time on their side. This virus has the potential to provide roadblocks for the seriously ill.

It’s a lot to think about, and a lot to try NOT to worry about. But, the fact of the matter is…I do.

Posted in Devotional, Self Help


There are so many situations in my world that I can’t fix or repair right now. So many times I want to flip a switch and make everything OK.

But, I know I can’t. That’s not the way life works is it?

It’s crazy how all the blessings we take for granted in life, and what has to happen in order for us to realize we can never let one second of joy escape us.
Life is hard enough without having to dwell on situations we can’t relinquish.
So many times I talk about forgiveness and putting things in the past, yet it’s difficult to achieve. We all know forgiveness is sometimes hard and forgetting is most of the time impossible. Our heart just can’t entirely let go.

What if we could go back and change all the situations we have messed up?

What if we had a big life eraser to blot out the mistakes?

I think we all have regrets in living. That’s an easy one to agree on, but can we forget the regrets we have and move on?

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.”

C.S. Lewis

Can we live with the mistakes we make? And how can we save ourselves the pain and not make them in the first place?

I don’t know if it’s harder to forgive and forget other’s choices or our own. They say we only have to live with our own decisions, but is that really true?

Sometimes I believe we live with the choices of others, but maybe that’s because we choose to. Let’s face it relationships should be, but aren’t always, 50/50. We would be lying to ourselves if we thought one person doesn’t give more than the other. The best thing we can hope for is we aren’t always the only one giving.

I guess the only truth worse than living with a wounded relationship is worrying about someone you love living in one. We all want to be happy, and we want that for our loved ones as well. It’s hard to watch someone we care so much about struggle, and it’s even worse realizing we can’t nor we should try to fix it.

So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”

Matthew 7:12

People generally have a valid reason for feeling the way they do. Not that it’s always accurate, but you can’t constantly help how you feel.

We can all be selfish at times, downright stubborn, or we can be forgiving and empathetic. Either way it doesn’t make it a given that you are going to be on the positive side. Relationships take work and until both parties are ready to meet in the middle and compromise it’s never going to get resolved. 

I was having a conversation with my daughter today regarding something she was upset about. She said it wasn’t fair. I thought to myself…we are going to talk about life being fair?

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

John 14:27

I didn’t want to go down that road with her because ultimately what I consider “unfair” in life affects her as well. If we want to have that conversation I can pretty much spend hours building my case. Fact of the matter is life is NOT fair. I will just go ahead and get that out of the way. If you think you are owed anything, then step off your high and mighty and have a seat.

I proceeded to tell my daughter that if she thinks life is going to EVER be easy, then she needs to change her attitude. Go ahead and count on life being hard. An uphill road. A constant struggle. Disappointment. Sadness. Pain. Heartbreak. Depend on life being a battle and count your blessings when something good happens or works out in your favor.

I say this because life is an uphill road with a mirage of twists and turns. Don’t expect anything more and you won’t be disappointed.

We are all fighting to stay afloat. We have all been violated or mistreated or dealt a difficult hand. We are all struggling with something going on in our life. Don’t play the victim, don’t hold a grudge, don’t let people take advantage of you, but do be the better person in the situation.

Maybe we can’t always take the higher road, but just remember life is hardly ever fair. And, we were never promised it would be.

Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:8

I pray for peace in all of our hearts, that we can find joy somewhere. Remember our struggles are to make us stronger in our faith and prepare us for what’s to come. With each tribulation I wonder what suffering will transpire, but it is not my story to write, nor my worry.

It is hard to trust in what we cannot see, but we aren’t suppose to lean on our own understanding. Dig deep, grasp your faith, pray, trust not in your own understanding. Affliction builds strength, but we must not walk alone. Build faith, learn to trust, study God’s word, and work against negative forces.

I’ve realized this walk will take years, perhaps a lifetime. But, I have my road map. I just have to study it, and trust it’s meant to get me where I’m going.

Posted in Self Help

Fighting Fear

I barely get through one hurdle and I am fighting another one. Does it ever end?

Every time I think I have found peace some force comes from out of nowhere and slams into the back of me. It’s like I can see it in my rear view mirror, but I can’t get ahead of it. It always catches up with me.


In the last six weeks I’ve experienced every emotion imaginable. There are so many issues I’m dealing with and so many people I’m trying to help.

The other night, I thought to myself how am I doing all this?

How am I not a hot mess right now?

How has all this not affected me more negatively, pushed me back down in that pit?

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:6-9

I did feel myself going back down, falling into that pit. The pessimistic emotions were creeping back up on my mind, pushing me down and I could feel myself slipping.

Sadly, it felt familiar, almost comforting but in a vulnerable way. I felt almost in a comfort zone. Misery loves company. It was a common place that I once lived in and it got to be too comfortable. I could live there and make myself numb, shut out the outside world and just accept life as the devil wanted me to accept it.

The only problem living there was it’s unhealthy and diseased. Much like an addict cannot easily rid themself of drugs and alcohol until they admit they have a problem and seek help is similar to how a depressed soul lives. It’s a vicious cycle, and one you become accustomed to living because you can’t find your way out.

I felt that self pity and depressed spirit taking over and it felt natural. But why did I feel like that was a good place? A comfort zone?

It was as if I was telling myself this is where I should be, stay here it’s familiar. It was a weird feeling, and for a second I was almost convinced I needed to stay.

But, a light bulb went off, and there was screaming to fight back. I wasn’t going there without a fight. That common feeling wasn’t suppose to console me. It was easy, but it wasn’t good. Maybe it was a trap.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

1 Peter 8-9

Fighting was going to take effort so I repositioned my racing mind with a conscious attempt to pull myself out. Looking back maybe the devil had ahold of me, whispering in my ear telling me that was a place I wanted to be again. I started praying that night and I prayed and prayed. I was lying in bed dozing and in and out of sleep, restless in my attack until I finally drifted off. I awoke early, tired, with a troubled mind, and I prayed until I again veered off in my sleep. This time I found peace.

A few nights later came another night thinking about what I fear, and what I know from experience. Another hurdle, another bad bout, another hurdle. Why do they keep coming at me?

The death of an old childhood friend shook me this weekend. Cancer, bad news, death, sudden death…it doesn’t stop. Is it the way of the times or just reality with age? Some of these people aren’t that old, and the truth death can come at any day doesn’t leave me without an uneasiness.

It’s not that I’m scared of death, but rather scared of the pain of losing everyone I love. Why do I fear the pain so much?

What am I suppose to do? I don’t know the reasoning behind all this chaos. But, am I suppose to know the reasoning behind all the barriers in life? I don’t think that is how life works. I think back about where I’ve been, that dark place I came from and how I got to now. How am I still standing? And what’s to come?

All rhetorical questions I know, but still ones that cross my mind time to time when I suffer in a weak moment.

Don’t doubt God and don’t question him. It’s not our worry. I know this, but I still allow myself down this road every now and again. It is a dangerous place to travel with those demons.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.

By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.

Hebrews 11:1-3

Even in my faith I sometimes find wonder. I do not claim to know it all, as I am always learning the word of God. This could be the calm before the storm where feelings live somewhere in a hidden delusion. And, maybe I’m not really OK. 

Posted in Devotional, Self Help

Find Joy

Do you ever feel like the past won’t let go of you?

I know we aren’t suppose to dwell on what’s over and done with, but just because something is in the past doesn’t make it finished. Sometimes we feel the need to finish it ourselves.

Often, I say I dislike social media. I guess that’s not totally true since there are obvious perks to using it, but I guess I mean to say I dislike what social media does to people.

Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent.

Proverbs 11:12

Sometimes people use social media as a platform to portray this make believe life. Why do people paint this perfect little life that doesn’t exist?

I don’t understand why someone would make a comment on social media they would never say to someone’s face.

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago, and she said she doesn’t do social media because it makes her feel bad. She said she feels like people display this flawless life and it just makes her feel depressed about her own problems. Then, she feels she’s the only one struggling to get through the week.

I didn’t tell her I’m kind of envious of her for not succumbing to the social media pressures. However, I like it gives me the excuse to talk on the phone with her to catch up and engage in real conversation. I miss the days of talking on the phone and hearing the comfort of someone’s voice rather than getting a dry text message with a quick hello.

Our conversation made me start thinking about what she said and sadly, she’s right. I’ve actually had the same feelings myself. I’m probably one of the few people who has only been on social media in the last five years, and honestly I was just as happy before, maybe even happier.

No, not maybe. I was happier.

Lately, I have tried to limit my time, mainly just using it to post an occasional picture of my children to show how much I miss them all being together, to know I’m thinking about them, and for sharing my blog or inspirational quotes.

Many people only share the part of their life on social media they want people to know about. Then, there’s the other side who scours every nook and cranny to debate, argue and call people out.

And, let’s not forget the dreadful realization kid’s use it to bully other kids. Or worse, the parents bully.

The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but the perverse tongue will be cut off. The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable, but the mouth of the wicked, what is perverse.

Provers 10:31-32

Don’t get me wrong, social media is beneficial in a variety ways, and offers an easy avenue for promoting and getting the word out. We know society as a whole is curious. It’s our human nature, and most of us are guilty of being curious.

However, social media isn’t the real problem. Just like in most cases it’s not how it’s used, it’s how it’s abused. We, as in people, are the problem.

I have never been one to overshare my personal life. I like to be a private person, only sharing with those I’m closest. In the past I have shared my feelings, my struggles and my life with some acquaintances, mistaken for friends, but I learned the hard way not to do that anymore.

Not in that way. Now, I share my story for many reasons, but not necessarily my personal life. Some ways are obvious, and some would spark too many questions I am not obligated to answer. Regardless, I want you all to know you are not alone in your battles.

Many times, I have felt out of place, out of my comfort zone, and honestly, alone.

I realized I can be surrounded by a million people and feel like the only one in the room. I’ve been there more than once. Who am I kidding, I’ve been there more often than not.

Recently, my husband and I were talking about several years ago when the boys played sports and we traveled around. I loved it for the kids, but I hated it for myself. I never felt part of the group, never felt I had a place and looking back don’t think it was necessarily a happy experience for any of us. Perhaps, it was an eye-opening, learning experience.

During those days I wanted so desperately to have a group of friends, have a squad, have support. I had none of that. I don’t really see or talk to those people anymore, and honestly that’s fine. I know many of them are probably battling their own hidden demons, and I am here battling mine in the open.

I’m at peace. I have what I need. And, for once in my life I am fine with that, and I don’t really care what other people think. Not at all. If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this.

I think it takes a life changing event, or a come to Jesus moment in order to get to this point, this comfort zone. Or maybe, it just comes with age, a dose of reality and trusting in God.

So much pain that no one even knows about. So many inner struggles. So much brokenness. So much heartbreak people cannot begin to understand.

But, that is for another day when I am ready to talk about it.

It is so easy to sit back and judge others’ struggles. Empathetic hearts break because of your pain while apathetic ones judge and relish. Or maybe, in a sense, they are just broken, too.

Don’t try others when you have no concept of the storm they are in. Some people are so oblivious to their surroundings, but then again maybe that’s because they choose to be. I have shut so many people out of my life for that very reason, but they have no seat around my table.

I have my inner cirlce, and I have an outer circle. And, the two never touch.

No one has a perfect life. Look around at all the people who seem to have everything money can buy.

Happiness isn’t something you can achieve through social media or social status for that matter. It’s not something money can buy. It’s not a level you can get through in life and hold onto forever.

It doesn’t get you the golden ticket for sure. Not to heaven anyway.

Life is hard. We are all struggling and God never promised you it would be easy.

Happiness doesn’t come from things, or even people. Happiness comes from within yourself. It is a mood, an emotion.

Joy comes from God when we trust in Him. Seek God and your life will be an abundance of joy.

Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

John 16:24

Don’t look at social media or at others for your joy. Look at your faith.

Everyone around you isn’t really without struggles even though some days it seems that way. I promise you’re never going to see a post about all the worries or insecurities in someone’s heart. It’s easier to conceal our pain within ourselves than to admit to the world that it’s real.

I have realized if I can help someone else, then I should help them. It may be painful, but within that pain I have found my JOY. xo

Posted in Self Help


I have a confession to make.

Well, one I will share.

This past weekend I read my recent blog post about Forgiveness over and over.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to forget everything I had stored at the very back of my mind. I wanted to erase some of the past from my memory, and I wanted to go back to feeling the way I’ve been feeling lately.

Confident. Happy. At peace.

But, I felt none of that.

You see cancer is always a portion of my worry, and my heart well, that’s another story. Lately, so many bad memories have been rehashed all over again. Hurdles I encountered long ago, and now another one.

It’s hard to trust again when your heart has been broken, and it’s even harder to forgive yourself when you let it happen. Of course, it’s perplexing when there’s a slew of circumstances that are intertwined and mangled, creating a host of emotions.

No matter how many times you choose to forgive someone, there’s always that moment when you question what you’re doing and if they are worthy of it once again.

That is a question you need to discuss with God, because I’m not sure I have the answer for anyone’s situation. Even my own. Although, I did ask a friend once how many chances does someone get, and they said you do it until you can’t do it anymore. I assume that’s the same as God, who wants us to never give up.

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

Matthew 18:21-22

Just because we don’t stop forgiving doesn’t mean we shouldn’t stop letting someone hurt us. At some point in life we have to take our well being into our own hands, whether it be our physical well being or our mental self, and ask God for help.

Forgiving is the easy part. It’s forgetting that’s hard.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

Psalm 34:17-20

I confess it over and over, I have a hard time forgetting. I have to fight with everything I’ve got not to let the devil take ahold of me and take me down that sinful alley road. It’s like your mind can forgive, and forget…for awhile. Push it into the back of your brain, bury it, conceal it and lock it away.

In reality, it’s still there unless we let it go. It’s somewhat like a helium balloon, watching it float away, out of sight until it’s lost forever. We never look back, never give it another thought.

It’s not that I can’t forgive, it’s my heart won’t let me forget.

Is it even possible?

Are we actually capable of forgetting?

I admire people I know who are self disciplined always radiating willpower. It takes a strong mind and an unwaivering trust in God. Attractive traits I’m in love with, nonetheless.

However, in my life I’m still a work in progress.

The heart, the mind, the soul are all connected and sometimes, despite our frantic attempts in search of a cause, there is not a reason. There’s no answer to our “Why?”.

Why we can’t forget, or why we have to forgive someone over and over is a question that sometimes doesn’t have an answer.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

I think we have such a hard time because we need a motive and it’s difficult to accept maybe there’s not one. Maybe it’s just part of a bigger plan, and we have to wait for it to play out. Sometimes circumstances don’t make sense in the beginning, but they eventually come full circle.

I think rather than focusing on forgetting we need to focus on letting it go, just like that balloon. Why do we want to hold onto the bad memories? In doing so, we are only hurting ourselves more, filling our heart with pain and resentment.

It’s hard to know what someone’s heart holds. That is for God’s eyes only. They are the only ones who has to answer for their sins. The only move we can make is to trust or to be wary. It’s our choice. How you guard your heart is up to you. God wants us to forgive, not hate, but he doesn’t say forgive and forget or forgive and trust again.

Now, we come full circle with the question how many chances does someone get?

I look at my situation and think that’s irrelevant. It may not change my heart, but it may change the answer. It teaches a valuable lesson. Whatever you choose make it a choice you can always live with. Sometimes there are no second chances.

Hold onto what’s precious and let everything else go. Somewhere in all of that is where you will find your answer.