Posted in Cancer

ScAnxiety

People don’t realize there’s a difference between general anxiety and scanxiety. For those of us with scanxiety, it’s not about 
what might happen, 
it’s about what did happen. 
Telling a person with scanxiety 
to “just let go because worry won’t help” or 
“the things you worry about may never happen” cannot only 
be confusing to us, but it can be damaging. 
Because the things that cause our anxiety 
already happened. For us, it’s not so much about worrying. 
It’s about remembering.

It’s almost like I want to hold my breath until it’s over. Do you know what it feels like to wait in anticipation for something that you just want to get over with, to get through?

About every two and a half months I start wishing my life away. Taking the days for granted, itching for the time to pass quickly, then remembering to be careful what I wish for.

Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It’s a perpetual battle inside my head. One I am reluctantly always fighting, even though most days I want to quit. I want to abandon the fight, make it disappear, move on, and end the worry that I find myself engaging in regardless of my efforts to just have faith.

Sometimes I forget, or maybe I lose focus. I zone out, my mind wanders, and everyone questions where my mind has drifted. Sometimes, I honestly cannot answer that question. Sometimes I get so lost in my thoughts I don’t know where I’ve been. My memory fails me. I lose myself and all sense of my surroundings.

Just have faith.

Meditate.

Find contentment.

Find peace.

Trust.

Hand it over.

I know it’s what I need to do, what I should focus on, where I must turn my attention. It takes a constant energy to stay out of the dark abyss that I cannot seem to escape.

I plant my feet firmly on the ground. I get my head on straight, my mind right, and then it happens. One day, I wake up and it consumes me. The anxiety, the worry, the stress. It affects every inch of me, every aspect of my life, and I struggle to stay smiling, positive, happy. I struggle just to be.

It is a never-ending cycle that just plays out, over and over inside my head and in my life.

It’s a reminder of what has happened. It’s a reminder of what may happen again.

Three more days. Just three more, and I can breathe.

Extinguish the outside noise.

Turn up the peaceful Christmas piano tunes.

Focus my mind on cooking and baking.

Search for laughs

Relish the time with family and friends.

Enjoy the glow of all the Christmas lights.

Regain PEACE in one tiny corner of my world.

And, discover JOY in all the moments.

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