Does sadness need a motive?
I’ve felt kind of sad all day today thinking about everything going on in my life.
I watched the live feed from the church my daughter attends at college this morning with the boys, hoping that being close to God would make me feel less gloom.
I’m not sure why I’m in this state of melancholy. My blog post last night was something I just needed to get out, something that was building up inside me and just needed releasing.
I took a step forward, trying not to overthink everything going on with my kids, and I still have this sense of sorrow and aching in my heart.
It has just become a process, a cycle and now I’m on the downswing. I’ve realized after so long it’s just unavoidable.
I know all my friends will call or text tomorrow with their concern, but I’m letting you all know it’s just a rotation that I’m in, and this is a somber moment for me. Sadly, one of many, despite my positive attitude, my prayers, and my relentless effort to smile and stay upbeat.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds“Psalm 147:3
Today, it’s just a mood, just a mode, just a day I need to cry and let it out. A friend told me crying is good, it’s okay to cry sometimes. And, it’s true. It’s a sort of cleansing of everything you’ve kept inside in order to remain strong.
As much as I try to ignore the uneasiness I feel, I know it’s just getting to me. The mounding incidents, setbacks, barriers start to pile up, and suddenly they crash down knocking the breath out of me, suffocating me.
My husband says I shouldn’t read the sarcoma pages I follow. He says I should stop, but I can’t.
Reading those pages, understanding how others are fighting, and offering words of hope and encouragement to them is a sort of therapy for me.
I know he doesn’t understand. He thinks it makes me sad and upset, and if I’m being honest he’s right.
What he doesn’t recognize is I need to know. I need to feel that, to understand, and to offer anything I possibly can to help others. It is part of my own treatment, helping others feel like they are not alone in their own suffering. It’s comforting to me knowing I am not isolated in my life.
It is the reason I started this blog…to help myself and to help someone else.
He and others do not comprehend this is a solo journey for me. No, not in a physical sense, but very much in a mental way. I am on a voyage that is unfamiliar. I am navigating and trying to watch over my children at the same time.
And, in all truthfulness there is no one there to guide me other than God. I know in my heart that is enough, but my mind makes me second guess myself. I will get back on track tomorrow.
But, the battle goes on inside my head.