Posted in Journal

In My Darkness

Lights flicker, the world goes dark.

And, I feel like I just left the top of that slope on a gargantuan roller coaster, racing downward, gasping for air, and praying my stomach will settle back down in my belly.

WHY is life like this?

Why do we have quintessential days where we imagine we can take on anything the world throws at us, and seconds later we are falling?

It’s similar to a dream, and I have to stop and ask myself if it really happened.

At times someone is talking to me. I hear their voice. Yet, seconds later I can’t recall what they said. I sit and stare as if the world is starless.

Just a reverie?

Sometimes, I have to think about it. Sometimes it makes no sense.

I talk in my sleep, I have mysterious dreams, I remember bits and pieces, and try to put the puzzle together. I have vague impressions in my mind, and I try to decipher if they are real or made up within the night.

I know it sounds crazy. Maybe I am?

I sleep way less than I used to. Some nights I’m awake til two or three in the morning. Some mornings, I wake at five or six or seven, and I’m up. Other times I doze back off and suddenly awake out of a deep sleep and wonder how I slept so long. Ironically, that intense sleep for a couple of hours after sunrise, after others have started their day is my best rest.

Maybe it’s exhaustion. Or maybe, it’s my subconscious trying to heal.

I don’t know why, but I suspect I dream an awful lot at night. Unpleasant bits that weigh on my mind. Some of them I struggle to interpret, others I just ask myself why. The bits and pieces clutter my mind, and I stumble while trying to make out their message.

I used to believe dreams consisted of my fears, but now I wonder if in my dreams it’s my fears I’m running from.

My mind does not shut off easily. It virtually has to run out of the fuel that feeds it in order to go idle, to rest, or calm my soul.

Yesterday was such a good day, but today, yesterday seems so far away. So many thoughts of positivity and strength and hope.

Lost.

Faded into the darkness, in a blink.

It’s ironic how one day can make a difference.

Change your whole outlook.

Switch off the light.

And, turn your world dark.

How did this anxiety find me?

In my darkness, the reminders are EVERYWHERE.

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