Posted in Self Help

On this Road

Is anyone else happy to see October?

I will admit I’m a summer girl, and I hate nothing more than saying goodbye to the season.

BUT, this year (as if it could get any worse…no, I did not just say that) September was about to do me in. It was about to do the whole family in.

Definitely, not a month I want to include in the best memories.

I have been spending so much time making sure everyone else is OK that I’ve neglected myself. The last month and a half I knew I was slipping back into that hole I spent so much time dragging myself out of earlier this year. I have known I needed to step up, stop the process, and do something about it before I was consumed with that darkness.

Some days I would find myself in a daze, wondering where the hours went, looking back in search of the time that had escaped. At times, I felt as if I was in a dream, unable to speak or comprehend what was happening around me. Wathcing in slow motion as my days disappeared without much recollection.

My mind couldn’t focus on anything because it was too crowded with “stuff.”

Worry. Guilt. Sorrow. Pain. Heartache. Confusion.

The judging, the thinking, the feeligs just go on and on.

I have been thinking…get a real job (but who even wants to hire me), find a new hobby (but what this time), come up with something to do that makes me happy (but what is happy).

The truth is I don’t know where to start, where to continue, or when to give it up. Read that sentence again.

Yeah, I know. It makes no sense. Imagine that inside your head?

Today, while reading my devotional, it dawned on me I’m not really ready for some things. I know I’m too fragile minded to handle some situations or tasks. Maybe it’s not my turn, and maybe that’s OK.

As I told my aunt today, I realize God really does know what he’s doing when things don’t transpire in the time you want them to happen. I’ve been at home, with my son, and that’s where I’ve needed to be. Sometimes things just happen for a reason. Sometimes they happen the way they are suppose to happen.

A part of me has this tug at my soul. As I’m navigating my way through the twists and turns of this path I’m on, I’m feeling my way through the darkness. At times, I feel the light shining down on me, and at those seconds I can see clearly. Other moments I find myself in the dark, lost, disoriented, not realizing if I’m moving forward or backwards.

I know two years ago God put me on this track. I sensed it then, and I know it now. My life took that turn for a purpose.

To do good. To make a difference. To make an impact.

I have grown inpatient trying to decipher the reasoning while attempting the navigation of my route. I know I am close, because I can feel it in my heart, yet, I cannot interpret the nebulous message.

I find myself struggling to see clearly and concentrate, like awakening from a vague dream. I sense it buried somewhere within me, one day divulging itself like a melodramatic revelation.

I can close my eyes and feel the anxiety climb from the pit in my stomach. The anticipation high, my patience scattered, and my quest near.

One deep breath after another and all in due time.

Plenty can happen on this road we’re on.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Psalm 23:2-3
Posted in Journal

In My Darkness

Lights flicker, the world goes dark.

And, I feel like I just left the top of that slope on a gargantuan roller coaster, racing downward, gasping for air, and praying my stomach will settle back down in my belly.

WHY is life like this?

Why do we have quintessential days where we imagine we can take on anything the world throws at us, and seconds later we are falling?

It’s similar to a dream, and I have to stop and ask myself if it really happened.

At times someone is talking to me. I hear their voice. Yet, seconds later I can’t recall what they said. I sit and stare as if the world is starless.

Just a reverie?

Sometimes, I have to think about it. Sometimes it makes no sense.

I talk in my sleep, I have mysterious dreams, I remember bits and pieces, and try to put the puzzle together. I have vague impressions in my mind, and I try to decipher if they are real or made up within the night.

I know it sounds crazy. Maybe I am?

I sleep way less than I used to. Some nights I’m awake til two or three in the morning. Some mornings, I wake at five or six or seven, and I’m up. Other times I doze back off and suddenly awake out of a deep sleep and wonder how I slept so long. Ironically, that intense sleep for a couple of hours after sunrise, after others have started their day is my best rest.

Maybe it’s exhaustion. Or maybe, it’s my subconscious trying to heal.

I don’t know why, but I suspect I dream an awful lot at night. Unpleasant bits that weigh on my mind. Some of them I struggle to interpret, others I just ask myself why. The bits and pieces clutter my mind, and I stumble while trying to make out their message.

I used to believe dreams consisted of my fears, but now I wonder if in my dreams it’s my fears I’m running from.

My mind does not shut off easily. It virtually has to run out of the fuel that feeds it in order to go idle, to rest, or calm my soul.

Yesterday was such a good day, but today, yesterday seems so far away. So many thoughts of positivity and strength and hope.

Lost.

Faded into the darkness, in a blink.

It’s ironic how one day can make a difference.

Change your whole outlook.

Switch off the light.

And, turn your world dark.

How did this anxiety find me?

In my darkness, the reminders are EVERYWHERE.

Posted in Self Help

Pass it on…

Is it really almost September?

I look back and think the last eight months have been pretty much a blur. Kids had an extended break from school, were back and forth from college, and at times cancer even took a back seat in my mind thanks to a much needed break from dealing with it.

So many people have said they just want this year to be over with, but I tend to not lean in that direction thinking it could be precious time I’m giving up. None of us are promised tomorrow, so what if that meant we were wishing our last days away?

I imagine that’s not something any of us are ready to think about.

I’ll be the first to admit I want life to be more like it used to be, back to normal (whatever that is), and a little less stressed and uncertain. But, like I’ve said before, cancer took all that away from our family long before this virus did.

Cancer has taught me a lot, and this virus is teaching me even more.

I’m tired of wearing a mask, tired of social distancing, tired of not being able to get out as much. However, I’m not tired of being with my family, having the kids at home more often, or focusing on being together more than being on the go. I’m sure part of me will look back on this year and find there’s much about it to love.

Time is something we cannot get back, and our kids will never be as young as they were this summer. They aren’t getting younger, and our time with them is precious.

I hope people haven’t forgotten to stop and smell the roses. Too busy arguing or debating or disagreeing about whether or not the pandemic is valid. Not enough time looking for a silver lining.

We are all dealing with something.

If you believe in fate, or everything happens for a reason, or the way it’s suppose to happen, then maybe, just maybe all this is part of a bigger picture. Maybe this is a wake up call for us to get it together.

Maybe we should just be nice or build each other up or throw out a compliment here and there and maybe, just maybe, respect other opinions even if they aren’t our own. Maybe we should be thinking of this “break” from life as something that is much needed.

I know I will never regret the extra days, extra moments, extra memories my children got to share with their dad this summer. In the back of my mind, I know it is golden.

I do realize enough is enough though.

Summer is coming to an end. Kids are attempting to get back to class.

Our mental health is at stake in many cases. More often than not life is a challenge, and it takes a conscious effort to stay positive and upbeat.

We cannot let what is happening in our society divide us or keep us down. We can’t afford that.

Success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts.

Winston Churchill

I know depression and anxiety are mounding, people are struggling, and no one can take much more. People are grappling with this restricted way of life. They don’t get up, get dressed, put on makeup. They don’t leave the house, or get out, or have much social interaction. They’ve let themselves go.

Physically and mentally.

And, that’s not a good thing.

I made a new friend on social media last week, because I felt the need to help someone who needed some encouragement. It reminded me of the chaos my life has been in for the last two years, the times I felt I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it, and it also reminded me of how much better I am because of it. So, I decided I needed to pass that on.

It’s not an everyday thing we wake up with. Strength that is. I pray for it all the time, sometimes multiple times in a day.

Especially in a world where there is so much commotion, we have to learn to quiet the noise in our head. It is our hope. And, I don’t want anyone to lose hope.

Ever!

If you’re going through hell keep going.

Winston Churchill

If you ever feel yourself losing hope, losing your positive edge, keep going. Some days hope is all we have, and we can never lose sight of it.

We are better than that.

We are strong, beautiful souls.

So I say, lift each other up. Give a compliment a day, say hello to a stranger at the grocery, smile, check on a friend. It simply takes a minute to say a kind word, to brighten someone’s day, give them a boost, to pray for them. Pass on your positivity.

And, we just may be the one person who brightens someone’s day, who makes a person realize how valuable they are, or gives a ray of hope to someone who has lost it.

Positive thoughts. Positive vibes.

They can be contagious. Pass them on.

In a couple of weeks I may be a hot mess, but today, I know I am strong and focused and in the right mindset.

Today, that’s all I need to think about.

One day at a time. Pass it on.

I know where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. And, I know where I want to go. I may not always know how to get there, but the Lord is leading me on my path, and I know I can trust the journey.

Today, it’s a good day. Pass it on…

Posted in Self Help

Stop the Noise

Stressful days seem to be a dime a dozen these days, don’t they?

I slipped away from my family tonight to take a short walk, talk to my daughter on the phone, and hit reset in my mind. It’s just one of those days where life is hitting below the belt and weighing on my mind.

There’s nothing new, it’s just I need some idle time.

Some days I can’t explain why I’m feeling more anxious or overwhelmed or stressed. I just am not myself. There are moments I can’t remember what “my old self” is even like. I don’t think I can find my way back there, and if I did I think I wouldn’t be surprised to find the old me doesn’t exist.

There are times I feel like my mind is in a traffic jam, horns and noise all around me, and I cannot figure out where to go. I’m not lost, I just don’t know where I am. And, I’m struggling to find my course.

Maybe it’s the lack of sleep I’ve been getting. The traveling. Maybe it’s the sleepless nights that plagued me over the last few weeks. Maybe it’s just the pandemonium among us.

It’s possibly the thought in the back of my mind that I know of three people who have died in the last six weeks of cancer. That alone is hitting close to home, and it’s hitting me hard.

Perhaps it’s hearing everyone talk about their future plans, and me pushing those thoughts to the back of my mind.

Last night, I read something that really got my mind reeling. Something that has been on my subconscious, but didn’t really settle in until I saw it written out.

I immediately had a response regarding the commotion that surrounds me.

I’m tired of all the noise.

I’m tired of hearing all the static. All the whining. All the self pity. All the dead end debates.

I’m tired of it.

Tired of all the racket.

Tired of the negativity. Tired of the complaining.

I’m tired. Tired of it all.

Tired of social media. Tired of people. Tired of opinions. Tired of quarantine debates.

Tired of it all.

Actually, I’m sick of it.

Sick of people. Sick of opinions of what I should and should not do. Sick of the school debate. Sick of hearing about unjust.

I’m tired of online or in person. I’m tired of mask or no mask.

I’m tired of the debates. The this vs. that.

I’m tired people.

I’m sick and tired!

I don’t mean to offend anyone. I don’t mean to hurt feelings. Really, I don’t.

I just cannot take one more minute of it.

We are all struggling to some degree.

And, I don’t want to hear the noise. I don’t want to listen to it.

I imagine no one else does either.

So, if you’re causing any noise?

STOP! Please, just stop.

Stop the noise.

Posted in Self Help

Disconnect to Connect

Know what it means to Disconnect to Connect?

I read that yesterday at the end of a mentally tough day, and it dawned on me I knew exactly what it meant. Well, what I think it means for me.

In a world where so many people are struggling I feel the urge to pick up and run.

Just. Run.

Not away or any place in particular. Just run. The only stumbling block would be getting away from my own mind.

I can close my eyes and see myself. There’s nothing in front of me. Nothing within my peripheral vision.

In the rear, I sense there is something hoovering over me. All around me is a lightly wooded area headed into nowhere. It’s cloudy and gray, surrounded by nature. There’s simply nothing in sight.

What does all that mean?

I really have no sense of curiosity because in my muddled sanity I know it’s nothing good. I want to say there’s a sense of hopelessness, but I don’t dare think that way.

There is always HOPE. I won’t forget that even on my darkest days. Survival depends on HOPE.

Always.

Another person lost a loved one to cancer, another person cried for help, and so many I know are mourning a life we lost months ago, within a matter of days. In a split second it seems our mere existence flashed in front of us, and we are living in a divergent world.

Life can be such a desolate spot at times, but I remind myself life is harsh. We need to remind ourselves of that daily, especially in these times. Everyone around us is struggling.

Everywhere there is a sense of unknown.

We spend our entire childhood wanting to grow up, thinking at that point we can do what we want, we will be happy, and life will go along perfectly as planned.

We start to live as if life owes us. We have such unrealistic expectations of what living is, what defines success, what brings us happiness, and what our whole existence is made up of that we cannot decipher what’s real and what’s not.

Or maybe it’s not until we have all those things and realize somethig is still missing.

Maybe we just don’t know how to measure life?

Or maybe we all need to Disconnect from what we expect life to be and Connect to what life actually is.

It’s hard.

An uphill battle.

Full of hardships, tears, tragedy, and heartache. Overflowing with challenges, hard choices, and disappointment. If we stop having such high expectations and focusing on “things,” it’s possible we could actually appreciate the little treasures life has to offer.

They are there. We just have to look for them and stop imagining a life filled with fireworks and bliss.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Appreciate moments, not things, because you can never go back in time.

I have caught myself a few times this week wishing I could go back. Go back to the way life used to be, when it seemed much simpler, my children were small, and we laughed more than we cried. Living in the past is a hard way to live though, and it hinders our ability to grow and learn and adapt.

Sometimes we just have to disconnect from the idea of what we thought our lives should look like, and connect to the reality of what it really is. It’s not the end of the world, it’s just a bend in the road. Adjust, and keep moving forward.

Posted in Self Help

TIME

Do you ever find yourself not being able to keep up with time?

I feel like I am always wishing the days away or begging them to slow down. It’s never easy enough to simply enjoy the moment because the moments constantly have me holding my breath or fretting over what’s to come.

Speed up.

Slow down.

It’s from one extreme to the next.

And, it’s always one or the other, but never just in between.

There’s a part of me who always wants both.

With cancer, test after test and treatment after treatment, days are spent living in between what’s next. Part of me wants this break from treatment to be over because I’m worried about progression, but another part of me wants it to never end.

Can’t we just live like this forever, never having to deal with the “WHAT IFs?”

It’s a nice thought, and one that serenades my mind all the time. What if we could just stop cancer in its tracks by forgetting about it? We just live in the moment without a second thought of ever having to deal with it again.

No more treatments, no more scans, no more cancer.

If only it worked that way. If only we could get rid of the agony of time.

Hurry up and wait. That’s what life is like much of the time. But, most of the time I just want to know.

I want to know what’s going on. What to prepare for next. What are the next steps. The next plan of attack. I just want to know.

Being in the dark is a scary thing. I know God sheds light on my darkness, but sometimes no knowing is worse than knowing.

Not knowing is an agonizing chore. The anxiety builds, the mind spirals out of control, and there’s not a clear, rational thought in sight.

It’s confusing to the point I don’t know which is worse.

I think of my children, and I want time to slow down. Then, the wait doesn’t seem so bad.

Be careful wishing for time to pass quickly. It will pass quickly on its own, and we will wake up one day and wonder where we are.

Kind of like I did with this week. I’ve been thinking…I have all month with the kids, and now I look around and think it’s half over, already.

And I wonder, where did the time go? Wasn’t it just Monday?

They will all be back to college soon, and then we are one away from being empty nesters. And, what will I do then?

More time to think about time?

I think time is simply an illusion that consumes us, yet, it takes so much from us. Our thoughts, our actions, our mind. Is it even real?

But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.”

2 Peter 3:8

Every second goes by, every minute, hour, day, night.

Gone forever. Never seen or heard. Just there in our head, but nonexistent.

In my mind I know time is simply how we measure a week, a month, a year. The truth is we never really know how much “time” we have on Earth. I tell myself “one day at a time,” but that is much harder to live than to say.

The reality is living any other way than a day at a time is simply a “waste of time.” What if we lived our last day worrying about a tomorrow that never came?

yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”

James4:14
Posted in Self Help

Out of Touch

Can we be honest?

I’m not going to lie! Lately, I’ve been a little out of touch because I have been wrestling with staying upbeat. I mean I’ve been super busy with family and kids and life, but who can’t say that?

Hubby mentioned the other day he hadn’t seen a blog post in awhile. Yeah, it’s true. I have been off the grid a little more than normal, but actually, I kind of like it. It’s hard to be social and happy while grappling with the weights on your shoulders.

Not that cancer isn’t enough of a nasty curve ball, but this crazy pandemic, a country divided, all the hate and evil amongst us.

What happened to us?

What happened to the free and the brave?

What happened to our America the Beautiful?

It’s shameful the only unity we have is we take life for granted. Think about that for a minute.

Well, unless of course you’re dying or terminally ill.

Do you realize ALL the people who are dying of cancer?

I bet those people don’t abuse the life they were given, wasting it away on fighting with their neighbors.

Life is much easier in a bubble.

I’ve never thought of myself as socially shy. I don’t have a problem talking to people, but I do have a problem pretending. And, I do get social anxiety. It takes a lot of effort to put on a smile and pretend I am mentally strong. It takes energy to make everyone believe I am OK when I’m not.

I AM mentally strong. Some days I just don’t want to be.

Living with cancer in your household is emotional. It’s a roller coaster, ups and downs, twists and turns. Even when it’s not front and center, it’s there lurking. Just a thought away, a reminder somewhere you turn.

You live with it, without a choice.

All.

The.

Time.

I am learning to manuever that obstacle. For myself, to support my children, my hubby. I’ve learned if I don’t take care of ME, there won’t be enough to go around.

Family is priority so I hope no one takes it personally when I decline an invite, or seem disengaged, or silent. Sometimes our schedule doesn’t allow for socializing, and other times we would love to hang out. And sometimes, we just aren’t up for company.

It has been a hard few months. Cancer just took one dear soul from us. I know people who recently got diagnosed. I know lots of people who are fighting. And, it all hits too close to home.

There’s a daughter taking a last minute trip to see her dad who is fighting for his life. There’s a mother counting down the debilitating chemo treatments she takes her terminally ill son to every couple of weeks. There’s a wife in the cancer center who is puzzled about how her husband got mesothelioma but was never exposed to the contaminants. There’s the husband grieving for his wife, the children who lost their mother, the women who lost their best friend.

None of them have a choice.

I look at my children, my husband and then in the mirror at myself.

It’s difficult to cope some days, and I can sense the world wanting to crumble around me. All the suffering and pain just floods my head to the point I feel like I’m drowning in it. My head hurts. I’m tired. No energy. No will to do anything.

Some days it’s too much. But, that’s not every day. I’m not going to set up camp there.

Some days are good. Some days I’m motivated and have the drive to conquer the world.

Some people tell me not to focus on all those situations or not to be a part of those cancer groups because it just makes me upset. What they don’t realize is what else it does to me.

It helps me NOT feel so alone.

Summer has been good for me in the sense I can just focus on my family and stay out of any kind of scene. It’s a good distraction to be able to listen to the ocean, sit out and soak up the sun, hang out with my family. It’s been good to make the most out of a bad time in our country by us all just being together.

Some days I’m happy to not share anything or feel vulnerable. I don’t mind sharing when I have my head on straight and the energy to help others; however, when a battle is going on inside my head, it’s hard to help myself much less anyone else.

Sometimes it’s just easier to cope when you stay out of touch.

“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”

Matthew 7:13-14
Posted in Devotional, Self Help

Helpless

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

Mark 11:24

Do you ever just feel uneasy and can’t put your finger on why?

Lately, I have felt out of sorts in a way, but I can’t figure out the exact culprit. Maybe it’s a combination of things or maybe I’m just tired and overwhelmed.

When in my life have I not felt overwhelmed? It is hard to remember.

It seems to be a recurring role that I can’t rid myself of for one reason or another. I just keep hitting snags, unable to settle back into a rhythm.

Last year at this time, I would say I was in somewhat of a downward spiral. Not one of my finest moments in life, but sadly I was in a very critical place mentally and emotionally. I was a mess to say the least, and for the next few months I continued to descend.

It felt something like when you get to the top of that climb on a monster rollercoaster and feel as if you are going to stall that second before you are full speed ahead in a downhill fall. Gravity is tugging at you so hard you can’t pull yourself up or breathe.

The sad reality of it all is no one noticed.

No one.

Not my friends, not my family, not even the real me. Not until one night, when my hubby was smacked with a sudden truth about the trouble I was in.

I took myself to the doctor, multiple times, and I prayed for strength, multiple times. And, every day, every week, every month I was slowly able to pull myself back together.

I started my blog shortly after that, started taking better care of myself physically and mentally, eating healthier, exercising more, doing things I enjoy. I was in a very good place…and then the virus hit.

It has taken an extra mental effort to get through the last few months, but I am well aware of the struggle. I feel like the social distancing and other precautions were already starting to take place in our lives last year when chemo began. With the virus it was all of a sudden not a choice of when we should distance ourselves, but rather a constant of just having to do it.

Tonight, I was talking to a friend from the past who has been struggling with her own personal hardships for about the same two years as me. Different situations for us, but ironically some of the same harsh effects. Hers was sudden, where my situation is ever evolving.

I realized many of us are going through a variety of troubled waters these days resulting from different situations, but we are suffering from the same emotional and mental difficulties.

We all feel helpless. We all struggle. We all are heartbroken. And, we all have to find the strength to keep moving forward.

In these times, we cannot allow ourselves to slip backwards, to fall, or allow ourselves to suffer mentally. We just cannot.

And, I won’t. I have the strength, and I have the Lord to help me. I know that.

Pray for each other. Build each other up. Show support. And, most of all take notice when you know something just doesn’t seem right with those around you. Don’t ignore what’s staring you in the face.

We all have the opportunity to help someone, each other. And, sometimes we may be helping someone without even realizing it.

Like I always say…if you can help someone, then help them. The reward is far better than paradise.

And remember, if we all pray for each other, someone will always be praying for us. xo

Posted in Cancer, Self Help

Hurry Up and Wait

Jan 16, 2020, morning

I sit here tonight in solitude. The house is so quiet as if sound has escaped existence. It is a peaceful quiet at first, but I have a feeling of restlessness inside. The noiseless night makes me uneasy and allows the darkness to creep up into my thoughts. Scanxiety has set in as scans are only a week away.

Is my uneasy mind justifiable or just nerves shaking my sanity?

I close my eyes and breathe in deeply in hopes of exhaling all the negative emotion. Only one week to get through this leg of the journey before we set out on another unknown. I sense my peace…out there lurking in the shadows desperately searching for my soul. Somehow it will find it’s way to me. 

 Jan 16, 2020, evening

Today, was somehow a somber day. I could feel hubby’s uneasy mind in the room. He sat there and stared off into the morning, and I watched and wondered what thoughts filled his mind. One week until we discover the next journey. Some days I wonder what thoughts consume him. I worry he will tire of the fight and simply take the hand he is dealt without a thought to trade the cards. It wears on my mind, this journey. Giving up only means you’ve extinguished your options, or they’ve annihilated you. I pray for strength and positivity. This has to be just a wind in the road, doesn’t it?


As I look back on my journal entries, nearly four months ago, I realize I am in the midst of another wind in the road. This long road is taking me on a journey I don’t know how to navigate, yet I am here staying within the lines, doing the best I know how.

Familiar scenes surround me, yet they are still foreign to me. I will never get used to the unwelcoming landscape, no matter how hard it tries to consume me.

I sit and wonder why I am where I am. What is the purpose God has for me on this path?

Some days I can ease my own mind knowing it is my fated trek, but on other days like today I am anxious to know the why. I know we are supposed to trust the Lord to lead us, but I can’t help my soul is restless.

At times, it is hard to live and go through life not knowing what the purpose of it all is and the reasoning behind it. Maybe I am heading down a dead end with all my inquisitiveness, but sometimes my subconscious can’t let it go.

I know my journey has a purpose unknown to me, and someday it will reveal itself just like a clear day.

Until then, I must wait patiently and trust God will see me through.

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Isaiah 41:10
Posted in Devotional, Self Help

Wonder Why

Ever wonder about the reasoning behind why things happen or why we choose to focus on the thoughts we do?

Lately, I’ve been catching myself asking the why in everything. Not that it’s necessarily bothering me, but rather providing me a sort of peace of why some things just have to happen.

Today, after reading my devotion I started to wonder why all the situations happening in my life are a surprise to me. A flood of questions filled my mind, but I know there’s only one that holds the answers.

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

James 1:5-6

Of course in these times, when so much is going on around us, I can’t help but include cancer in the equation. And, I cannot help but think perhaps somehow this is all connected. One thing always leads to another.

Lives are intertwined, I do believe that, and only God could produce such a complex masterpiece.

Even in these uncertain days, we have enjoyed the togetherness. Still, that is transparent because deep down I know, in the middle of all of this, there is something else.

I would like to imagine our family meals, hours spent with each other and slower pace of life comes without strings attached; however, in the back of my mind I know that cannot be true.

As the calendar turns the page, it reveals a new treatment timetable, billing cycle and appointment schedule. Time doesn’t stop and neither does life, nor the roles it holds.

For every thankful moment we have, another one is taken from us, and there are some we simply cannot get back.

Weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, funerals, proms and graduations. Those days will come and go and be lost forever. However, time lost in some situations is time gained in another. No matter what the scenario, we will never regret what we acquired with those we love.

And, I am reminded these days will be made into memories my children will cherish as a period spent with their dad which otherwise they may not have had.

The treatments will continue, the bills will pile up, the monthly appointments rescheduled, the occasions lost, but the impressions will always remain.

Call it a catch-22 or call it a blessing, but for my children I will call it a silver lining.

My heart breaks for all the lost events and celebrations, the unfairness of it, the selfishness, the choices that have cost so much.

Every family is going through their own uncharted waters, manuevering our way the best we can, leaving a sort of emptiness behind. In a sense it is unsettling, but I am careful not to overlook the blessings before me. There are two sides to every coin.

Don’t be naïve and ignore the grace of God. We have it in our life every single day. In every bad situation, we can all find a silver lining if we just look for it.

16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Hebrews 4:16

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6