March 12, 2020
As I sit here in the radiology waiting room I look around. Surrounded by the sick, cancer patients, and those struggling through life. The television plays in the background with uninterrupted talk of the coronavirus, cancellations, travel warnings and threats to our everyday world and economy.
Have we all not suffered enough lately? Broken dreams for some of us, private struggles, lots of tears, lots of unknowns, unusual school semesters, family illnesses and life as we always knew it…gone in an instant. It’s a lot to handle, to digest to even think about. There are no words for the pain, uneasiness, regret, and heartbreak. I want life to just be normal, but sadly none of us know what that even is anymore.
I know our family isn’t the only one grappling with reality, but can’t we just make all this stop? Can’t we just catch a break? Can the hurt just cease?
My heart aches for my children. Dealing with their dad being ill is hard enough, but now everywhere we turn things are “messed up.” I keeping asking why and then I stop and remind myself how I need to pray harder.
A feeling of doom enters my space and I stop. Just stop! I know the devil likes it too much and he’s the last one I will give in to. Anger consumes me, and I feel like screaming. I will NEVER let him get to me…EVER.
8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.1 Peter 5:8-9
I looked back at that quick journal entry I wrote last week while in the cancer center and think about how I felt that day and now what it means to me reading it today. It had a significant meaning that day, and today it has another one as well. Fighting cancer is a lot like fight this virus. We are all at the start of a path that we have no idea where it leads.
I’ve already lived one day like that before. I’m not really excited to relive it. This round is a little like a double-edged sword for us.
Uncertainty, unknowns, and fears. Not to mention those who hoard, talk of conspiracy, and the economy. I wish we had the choice to ignore the warnings, go about our business, think this is media hype, but we don’t. And, in all honesty we can’t afford for anyone else to think that way either.
I’m concerned about new diagnoses, upcoming treatments, and honestly how this all is going to play out. Not for the virus, but for the cancer. How is one going to affect the other?
We are in cancer treatment mode. Everything else is just an unwanted bonus that we don’t need or want.
If things do get bad who’s going to get turned away if the medical facilities are too full? Who’s going to get the respirators and who’s going to get the last bed for treatment?
I’ve heard elective surgeries will be postponed, but will chemo treatments get administered or put off? Will scans get done in a timely manner? If you can comprehend how nodules double in size in two months, you probably realize someone may not have time on their side. This virus has the potential to provide roadblocks for the seriously ill.
It’s a lot to think about, and a lot to try NOT to worry about. But, the fact of the matter is…I do.