Posted in Cancer

Essentials Only

Do you ever just have a bad feeling about something? 

You just know it in your gut because you feel the start of this uneasiness. That’s me.

 It’s like clockwork, like the rise and fall of a breathing machine. My journey is consumed with unexpected twists and turns, and I never know what’s going to jump out in front of me next and send me in a tailspin.

Everyone has been worrying about this crazy virus, but me, I’ve been worrying about this crazy cancer. And, let me tell you sarcoma is an unforgiving beast with a strength that is unknown to men.

The fierceness it has is unimaginable, like “the terminator,” unleashing fury and regenerating itself. It fights back harder than you know, with an unstoppable force. It’s scary because nothing seems to kill it, not for long if at all.

I can only imagine what it looks like under a microscope, from one day to the next, taking over and consuming everything in its path like an evil force.

I’m sitting here in the ER parking lot crying in the car alone, as my husband is in the ER alone getting treated. It is without my knowledge of who is the doctor or what they are doing. And that, that is unsettling to me.

I am his caregiver. He is the father of my children. I have been right there the whole way, going through this as if it is me fighting for my life.

Those of you who know my story know this is unsettling to me and you know why. I don’t want him to be here, but it’s the best option at the moment. I have no control, and I can’t stand it.

I understand this virus is serious, and I understand the why of where I am right now. But, I don’t have to like the fact he is alone in there, and I am out here.

I’m not judging any of you, but if you are out doing non-essential things please stop. Please?

Trust me, you don’t want to need medical care right now. You don’t want to go to the hospital and be alienated from your family. Believe me when I say it’s not a feeling you want to experience at the moment

Have you even thought about that?

Our family has been fighting this cancer for 606 days…TOGETHER!

13 Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. 16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

James 5:13-16

I bet our healthcare providers, ER workers, first responders, and all those other essential people want to sleep at night and not worry about infecting their families. People, please stay home so this will go away because I don’t wish my today on anyone. xo