Month: April 2020

Posted in Devotional, Self Help

Wonder Why

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Ever wonder about the reasoning behind why things happen or why we choose to focus on the thoughts we do?

Lately, I’ve been catching myself asking the why in everything. Not that it’s necessarily bothering me, but rather providing me a sort of peace of why some things just have to happen.

Today, after reading my devotion I started to wonder why all the situations happening in my life are a surprise to me. A flood of questions filled my mind, but I know there’s only one that holds the answers.

5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

James 1:5-6

Of course in these times, when so much is going on around us, I can’t help but include cancer in the equation. And, I cannot help but think perhaps somehow this is all connected. One thing always leads to another.

Lives are intertwined, I do believe that, and only God could produce such a complex masterpiece.

Even in these uncertain days, we have enjoyed the togetherness. Still, that is transparent because deep down I know, in the middle of all of this, there is something else.

I would like to imagine our family meals, hours spent with each other and slower pace of life comes without strings attached; however, in the back of my mind I know that cannot be true.

As the calendar turns the page, it reveals a new treatment timetable, billing cycle and appointment schedule. Time doesn’t stop and neither does life, nor the roles it holds.

For every thankful moment we have, another one is taken from us, and there are some we simply cannot get back.

Weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, funerals, proms and graduations. Those days will come and go and be lost forever. However, time lost in some situations is time gained in another. No matter what the scenario, we will never regret what we acquired with those we love.

And, I am reminded these days will be made into memories my children will cherish as a period spent with their dad which otherwise they may not have had.

The treatments will continue, the bills will pile up, the monthly appointments rescheduled, the occasions lost, but the impressions will always remain.

Call it a catch-22 or call it a blessing, but for my children I will call it a silver lining.

My heart breaks for all the lost events and celebrations, the unfairness of it, the selfishness, the choices that have cost so much.

Every family is going through their own uncharted waters, manuevering our way the best we can, leaving a sort of emptiness behind. In a sense it is unsettling, but I am careful not to overlook the blessings before me. There are two sides to every coin.

Don’t be naïve and ignore the grace of God. We have it in our life every single day. In every bad situation, we can all find a silver lining if we just look for it.

16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Hebrews 4:16

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6
Posted in Family

Head of the Household

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits
Blaze Jenna Blake Roscoe aka TORNADO

We all need some Joy in our lives at the moment, right?

Well, several weeks ago we got a new head of the household.

For I don’t know how many months, years my youngest son has wanted a dog. It’s not like we haven’t had dogs his entire life. I guess they haven’t been the kind of dog he has wanted. Although, he has always been an animal lover.

When we have had to be away at the hospital he is the child who takes the dog to sleep with him and keeps him company, since his four-legged sister passed last year. I can always count on him to give the dog a little attention.

Hubby and I swore that after our two elderly dogs were gone that would be the end of our pet parenthood. With his illness and our travels, we just cannot handle “one more thing.”

Well, so we thought.

When it was certain my oldest son was going away to college, and my youngest son was still begging for a puppy, I sat hubby down for a serious talk.

Come fall we will be down to one child in the house. That is going to be very weird for me, and probably even weirder for our son. I’m sure it will take some adjusting for him to get used to being an only child.

I started thinking about it, worrying about it even more so.

What if we had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night?

What if we were away at the Cancer Center and had to stay over, and he is home alone?

What if treatments get more intense and we are away for a week or more?

The questions flooded my mind, and I started to wonder how I would handle any of those situations. Of course, he is old enough to stay alone, BUT would I want him to be home at night, all night, for multiple nights AND all alone?

NO!

Insert my idea and the reason for the serious talk with hubby.

In order for him to not interrupt with a quick retort, I asked him to hear me out and began with the obvious. Considering his poor health and the path life may take us down, I suggested we should “consider” getting our youngest a dog of his own. Someone to keep him company when his brother leaves for college, someone to stay with him if we have to go to the hospital, and someone who can offer just a dose of HAPPY we could all use right now.

Surprisingly, without much more effort than that we were all researching dogs, putting in our two cents and coming up with just what we needed. Of course, I wanted a non-shedder, not too big, a good family dog, and a protector. My son wanted a dog that he could take hunting and fishing and train to be his best friend.

I was thinking a dog by summer. School would be out, summer would be a perfect time for training and it would give us a little time to save.

However, with the discovery of a great breeder, Bingham Kennels, and a litter on the way due by mid-February, we were destined to become the new family for a German Wirehaired Pointer.

So about a month ago, we became the proud “grandparents” to a new pup.

Yeah, right! I’m her mommy, and we all know it. I put her to bed every night in my bathroom, and wake up with her many mornings unless of course hubby is feeling well, hears her awake and beats me to it.

She has been a “burst of joy” in our house. And, I do mean burst.

Some days, I think we are crazy for taking on this journey. Can’t afford this journey. Don’t have time for this journey.

BUT…

When I see that sweet little puppy hopping around the yard like a bunny, pouncing on a squeaky toy, or whining to sit on my lap, she touches my heart. She has her moments, but she has brought so much pleasure to our house.

Sometimes she bites too hard, sneaks through the fence, chews my throw pillows, snatches my dish towels or won’t walk properly on her leash, but she is a great snuggler, furnishes several laughs a day and melts our hearts more often than we can count.

The best part of all is the one person who wanted a puppy the least is the one person who adores the puppy most. Hubby walks her down the driveway, sits out on the deck with her, plays tug of war and fetch and will even get up early to give her some exercise.

Puppies may not be miracle workers, but they sure can heal hearts that are hurting.

Welcome to our family Blaze Jenna…you are like a tornado at 8 in the morning, make our world more than a little crazy at times, but oh you bring many laughs and so much JOY! xo

Posted in Cancer, Family

Used to be…

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Ever wonder how good life used to be?

Today, I was talking to a friend about how things are going for our families, and it made me realize how good life used to be. I don’t mean to be pessimistic, but seriously life has been forever changed.

For all of us!

We didn’t know how good we had it until a pandemic hit. And, I wonder all the time how life will go back to being normal.

Rather, what will our new normal be?

The last two winters my family has practiced a sort of social distancing to an extent, during flu season and during chemo treatments, just to be on the safe side and avoid having any sickness in the house. Now, we have learned a little more about social distancing and how we take life and our freedom for granted.

I wonder though how much socializing we will want to do after this?

I know for many people, you are in a rush to get back to your life. Get back to your social get togethers, weekend meet-ups on the island, boating, beaching and all the other fun times that go along with summer.

I am ready for that, too. But, in the back of my mind I know it won’t be happening.

It seems this situation has become a sort of political power struggle in a sense, and honestly, I don’t really care what your opinions are. I’ve never witnessed anyone changing political sides in the middle of a debate or discussion. I doubt anyone ever will. Just like most don’t want to hear opposing political views, I don’t really care at all what your views are.

We all have our own opinions, but I have no desire to discuss them with anyone outside of my family. I don’t really get into “discussions” about politics and religion. Mainly because I find they never end well.

Regardless, the what, why, when, where and how of all this is irrelevant to me. Bottom line is that it’s a real virus, and our family cannot afford to take a chance on someone in our house contracting it. Period. It doesn’t matter how or why it came about, the fact is it’s a real thing and with hubby’s health issues I don’t know if he could survive it.

That’s our situation.

Period.

So, whether or not life goes back to anything similar to what it was, our family will be cautious of what’s lurking in the background. We can’t risk it being any other way. We just can’t.

Life as we knew it is idle.

But, life as our family knew it was gone before this pandemic hit.

I think in uncertain times we learn life is not invincible, and neither are we. Bad things happen to good people, and maybe that’s essential to help someone else.

I tell my children all the time maybe their dad got sick for a reason that we cannot yet see. We don’t always know why certain things happen, but we know God has a plan for all of us.

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.”

1 Corinthians 13:12

It is essential that we go through trials and suffering. It is our opportunity to trust in God and prepare us for His glory.

 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

I am far from perfect, a bigger sinner than I want to confess, and I struggle daily more often than I care to admit. However, if I have learned anything in the last two years it has been to find hope and have faith. In turn, I have been graced with a sense of peace, patience, and humility.

Living takes a daily effort.

We were never promised an easy life, and I believe the longer we walk this Earth the more apparent that fact is to us. Life is a challenge, and we have to accept that. We must adapt to the situation, keep moving forward and trust in God.

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.”

Matthew 6:10
Posted in Self Help

Early Morning Thoughts

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

It’s an early morning for me. Ironically, my favorite time when the house is quiet, and I am alone with my thoughts in spite of the fact I’m not at all an early riser. I’m a night owl, but I love my sleep when it decides to finally come to me.

This morning I awoke early, unable to rest, my mind flooded with worry and thoughts of everything I’m dealing with in life. The mounding stack of medical bills to pay, the incessant virus, the relentless quarantine, unable to see my

distant family, my daughter still away, cancer, kids, and on and on my mind spiraling out of control.

How did my sanity get here this early? Sometimes I can feel my thoughts reeling as I’m sleeping. And how do I know this? I awake restless, tense with my thoughts racing. I just know.

The bedlam in my life creates a perfect storm in my head. So many obstacles to overcome. Thoughts of the future, what tomorrow brings and what yesterday has done.

The commotion puts me on overload. I have been crying inside for days, at moments unable to hold back the tears, the pain, the brokenness I feel inside. My shoulders feel heavy, my heart aches, I have a pit in my stomach.

It happens every so often. I go through an ungovernable cycle.

Many times it begins the week we travel to the Cancer Center, the mental exhaustion sets in, impressions are made resulting in realities of the situation. Like a balloon it gets bigger and bigger, so full until it finally bursts.

Most would tell me to pray, trust in God, have faith. And, I’m telling you I do.

A year ago the process was debilitating, but time and hope, friends and faith have led me to the place I now reside. I’m better, really I am.

For those who have never walked in my shoes and even know all that I am dealing with, it is a load to process. I simply cannot just dump it all at once without sorting it out inside my brain. At times I feel like I must declutter and try to process what exactly I am dealing with before I can hand it over.

As some would say, it’s just the way I’m wired.

I read a lot. Not books lately, but a lot of everything else. A cluster of topics including cancer, ailments within my family, devotions and quotes, spiritual works and anything else that my mind makes me wonder about.

This morning, I can’t sleep and contrary to everything running through my mind my thoughts revert back to God. 

Regardless of the mountain in front of me, I have so much to be grateful for. Simple things that easily get overlooked. More money needs to go out than is coming in, but we still have the obvious necessities of life…food, a roof and don’t forget toilet paper.

My daughter is safe with friends and family who will look out for her. She is not alone, and I will get her home soon, one way or another.

I can still talk to my family, even though I can’t see all of them right now. They are here with me. 

For the most part my children are healthy. I have friends, family and people who check in on me. There’s a sweet teacher friend who brought us a delicious dinner, has been there if I need an ear and helped with something I mistakenly forgot. She has made me gracious with her caring and kindness.

And, I have so much love and appreciation for everyone who has chosen to be a part of my world. It is not an easy task to be my friend right now, but a few have remained irregardless.

I have hope, I have faith. And, I have the Lord. I am blessed in so many ways, and there’s an abundance of gratitude in spite of it all.

Life is full of battles, and heartbreak and pain and struggles, but if I look closer it’s full of so much more. There is room for my grateful heart.

Life is difficult. It is mostly uphill. Remember that.

The sooner I accepted it, the easier it got and my expectations changed. We cannot alter life to fit our wants and needs. Most of the time it alters us.

Life is a challenge in our changing world filled with turmoil, selfishness and disgrace. It’s a reminder what we should seek the most are not the objects many of us desire.

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”

Matthew 6:33
Posted in Cancer, Family, Self Help

Optimism, Realism

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Do you ever think about dying?

It’s a topic no one willingly likes to discuss, but yet it’s the end and the beginning to our life. This week I’ve been thinking about it more and more.

I don’t know why.

But, it’s on my mind often, and that scares me a little.

25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

John 11:25-26

Today, I was chatting with an old high school friend over text, and I asked about her dad. Her mom passed away two years ago, and I told her I hate to think our parents are at that age.

She said, “…it’s so hard to think about. We spend our whole childhood wishing time away and then wake up one day and wonder where it went.”

My grandmother lived until her late 90s. My Pawpaw until his mid 90s and my Granny until 90. That’s some longevity in my family, but there have been others who died young.

I wondered what is really “that age.”

Yesterday, on the way home from the Cancer Center, hubby and I had a consequential discussion. Normally, when I ask him to talk about his feelings he says, “What are feelings?” It’s his wittiness, but he doesn’t talk about feelings much unless I am upset, he’s talking about cancer or our family.

We discuss death. And, like I explored with him yesterday and my friend today, there is no such thing as “that age.” That age can be 5, 25, 55 or 95.

As hubby told me, he will die when it’s his time, when the good Lord decides, and there is no worry in that.

God takes us when He is ready to take us. Yes, there are miracles, but perhaps God only grants those once in a while and saves them for special circumstances?

I realized on our drive home, hubby believes in miracles, he just doesn’t believe there’s one for him.

Society looks at dying in regards to life expectancy, but that’s not how dying happens. We expect to live until 80. We are blessed to live into our 90s. And, if we die before “our time” we say it’s too soon.

No one wants to see a mother lose a child. A wife lose her husband. A child lose his parent.

We have no say in who gets cancer, has a fatal accident or loses someone they love. We all have an expiration date, and sadly, not all of them are as lengthy as others.

We are not born with a guarantee on life, or how long we will walk on Earth.

Rarely, do I have this conversation with others; however, hubby and I have these disconcerting talks often. These circumstance are not necessarily planned for, but in this situation they are inevitable. I don’t always understand how he is so at peace, but he is and for that I am grateful. For myself, there is still a lack of acceptance, a disquiet about my children where my heart is impaired.

I know it is hard for my friends and family to understand. As my daughter alluded to, there are times we sense something is coming and catch ourselves just waiting for the other shoe to drop. We take aim at positivity, but in the back of our mind we are searching for level headedness.

Being a realist and being optimistic are not always the same nor do the two invariably go together. I think it is hard for someone trying to encourage us to stay positive to comprehend how we walk a fine line within the two. I understand, my husband understands, my children understand, but to others they don’t always understand.

It is difficult for everyone to decipher the thought process and the task of protecting the heart. It’s hard to be positive, pray for a miracle and accept the facts, the odds, and the reality of a situation. Somewhere in that mix we have to find a happy medium where our heart can safely flourish. A place we can live comfortably, a place we can accept whatever is handed to us and be able to survive the outcome.

Maybe some of you don’t view this as a sense of positivity, but at some point we find ourselves seeking a survival mode. Just maybe, we weigh on the cautious side. We have to live in a sector where we can manuever our path, even in heart-rending times.

That means preparing for the worst, while hoping and praying for the best.

All we need from everyone else is to pray for us. xo

17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.18 Therefore encourage one another with these words.”

 1 Thessalonians 4:17-18

Posted in Family

Memories, Fear Not

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

2/23/2020

Tonight, I lie in bed alone with my eyes fighting sleep, but my mind is racing. All sorts of thoughts running through my head, reminiscing about my life when I was a child. Why is this on my mind tonight?

I don’t know why I am reminded of running around barefoot in the cold blades of grass, out to the garden where my Pawpaw drove the tractor, where I ran behind it with the cold dirt sifting between my toes as I picked up potatoes. Why tonight do I remember that so clearly?

And why is it on my mind?

I look back at my life and the vision is just as if it were yesterday. But, for some reason today seems blurry, and I can hardly see right in front of me. I close my eyes and imagine I am right there outdoors at this moment. I never thought I would be here where I am now. It’s not the image I had embedded inside my memories, it’s not what it’s suppose to be.

This is not the way my story was supposed to go.

I close my eyes and try to focus on the moment, the present, but it’s hazy, hidden in the darkness.

Lost.

I remember the nights I would sit on my bed and stare off into the blankness, focusing on the tiny blue flowers on my wallpapered wall, so deep in thought I didn’t know if I was real or not.

Maybe I was lost then, too.

10 Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

That was another one of my sleepless nights, and I don’t know why I was thinking about my childhood. It’s ironic how we are reminded of particular moments when we have certain situations going on in our life.

I guess most of us don’t really end up living the life we envisioned in our childlike mind. I’m not exactly sure how I expected my life to be, but I know I didn’t expect what it is right now.

I find it interesting, sometimes funny, the memories my mind chooses to pick out and remind me of at specifc times in my life. I often wonder if I suppress individual memories, saving them for another time, or maybe not at all.

Perhaps, I am protected from some, or maybe they are just savored for another day.

I frequently stare at the family picture above the fireplace, when my children were young, and wonder what filled their minds. All the smiles, the cuteness, the innocence. I speculate they have memories of that day like I do, but different ones stick out in their mind.

Sometimes I think about what their dreams were, what they thought their life was like and would become. I know for me I thought many situations would be something other than what they are. I didn’t think I would worry so much about them, have some of the conflicts we have, or even the wounds as a result.

Many variables have made today what it is. Numerous situations that life has dealt have affected us all in a way that will go unchanged. Many conversations, good and bad, never forgotten. Many situations lodged forever in our mind.

I gaze at that picture hanging, and I pray they will all find their peace within this life. They will all keep those smiles they donned that day, the glimmer in their eyes will never fade and they will manuever their way through the roadblocks they encounter. I pray they will find a state of happiness that will endure and overcome the hurdles that may haunt their dreams.

Whether or not they thank me or blame me for problems they have endured, situations they have faced, or the life they have been dealt, I hope they will know I am their mother who offers unconditional love and support that only comes with the price of respect.

6 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”

Ephesians 6:1-3

Being a mother, although not always the best one, has been my greatest joy and reward of my life. Being a family, being one another’s best friend, and knowing we have each other’s back ALWAYS has been a wonderful bonus.

In spite of roadblocks and twists and turns ahead, I hope my two pair, my four corners of my world, know that I will always be their mother no matter where their journey takes them. A part of me that is woven into my soul, they will forever be in my heart, even at times when it may be broken. xo

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3



Posted in Self Help

Renewed Hope

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

I anticipate with the celebration of Easter this past weekend everyone is feeling a renewed sense of hope in the midst of these trying times? When we look at the conditions Jesus withstood it makes our problems shallow in comparison.

I have had many pep talks from friends as well as within my own mind over the last several days trying to get over the hurdles we are facing. Our household has been a little stressed with individual circumstances, along with the the big obvious one affecting our whole family.

Last week, I was about at my breaking point, finding myself depressed and lost. I was out of my regular routine and so was everyone else. Life was a little tense to say the least.

Easter came at a good time for all of us.

It was a reminder of trials and tribulations we all face, and it was a good reminder of all we have to be thankful for in spite of our situation.

I watched Andrea Bocelli perform Amazing Grace in Milan, and it was just another confirmation that the mercy of God can save us from despair.

Our family watched Renovation Church’s Easter message yesterday morning and it just brought everything to fruition. We were reminded of these things:

The Lord gives us peace and hope, and Jesus is greater than bad news whether it came in the past, comes today or tomorrow. We are God’s masterpiece, and He has a purpose over our life to do good things.

8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, 9 not of works, lest anyone should boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”

Ephesians 2:8-10

I know some of us are stronger believers than others, and we all waver in our commitments at times, but I promise you without hope I don’t know where I would be.

It has been the one consistent thing in my life that has kept me moving forward. Some days I find myself struggling, doubting and drifting back into the darkness, but there is light. We just have to look for it.

Today, I went back through my journal and read some of the entries that I had written back in the fall. Some were filled with gloom and hopelessness. I know this is a vicious cycle that replays itself every so often, but I was thinking to myself…Not today Satan.

I have been in that tragic state once too often lately, and today, I am feeling hopeful. I don’t want to be there right now. I don’t want to feel bad, or depressed, or worried. I don’t want to deal with chaos or opinions or rants. I don’t want to be reminded of the bad news.

It takes so much out of me and it’s exhausting. I just want it to stop. Just for a day, a minute. We have a trip to the Cancer Center this week, and that brings enough anxiety on its own. Today, I need to be strong and positive and full of renewed hope. I don’t have the energy for anything else.

We don’t need to listen to the news, or let social media consume us, or even think about the days to come. The bad, the darkness will exhaust us if we let it.

Today, we simply need to enjoy the sunshine, think positive thoughts and focus on all the good in our lives. It is right in front of us. Find hope, find peace…the Joy comes with it. xo

Posted in Devotional, Self Help

Keep Moving

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

It’s a beautiful day outside, but I’m not feeling like the weather. I guess I should have spent more time outdoors today instead of working inside.

Why is life such a rollercoaster right now?

Everytime I get on track to having good days, I stumble and regress. I’m tired of this mindset, but I know I am the only one who can fix it. I just feel like I’m running around in circles.

Today, I read it is possible this could last until August, with people staying home and businesses closed. My heart sank, the pit of my stomach ached and in all truthfulness I wanted to cry.

August?

Really?

That’s the whole summer. That would mean no graduation, no vacations, no beach days, no July 4th celebrations, no family visits, no chance at a rebounding economy and no relief in sight. I ALMOST want to say no hope, but I won’t.

I know that’s what the devil wants me to do, but I won’t. No matter how tired I get, I will never lose hope. I’m going to keep telling myself that because it’s all I’ve got.

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit,which is the word of God.18  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.19 Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassadorin chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.”

Ephesians 6:10-20

Keep moving forward.

Someone I knew during my childhood actually died last week after contracting the virus. Look around, I know you all know or know of someone who has been affected. It’s a devastating realization, but it’s inevitable.

And, depressing. Sad. It steals our joy. We are the only ones who can hold onto it, but yet, it is a challenging task at hand.

How do we not lose our joy?

7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me. 8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.

Psalm 138:7-8

Keep moving forward.

When we were at the Cancer Center last week the nurse told me perfectly healthy people are dying from this virus. She said for her that is the scariest thing about it. The fact that scares her, terrifies me.

We are living in some dark and uncertain times, and it just goes to show how vulnerable we really are. I know we are living under God’s plan, but I still can’t help but feel some sort of uneasiness.

I know there are more dark days ahead until we get through the peak of this. I know our lives are probably forever changed, but I pray the Lord will get us through and bring some light.

Keep moving forward.

I have been reminding myself all week that it’s Holy week. I have had some wonderful souls tell me to trust in God to get me through all this and that he will carry me. They have reminded me of what Jesus endured during this week and how I am stronger with the Lord by my side.

I know I am stronger, and I know we can get through this. Stay hopeful and keep moving forward. Today, I pray for strength for all of us and wish everyone a Happy Easter. xo

Posted in Cancer, Self Help

Effects

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

My son woke me up at 2:30 am this morning. That was definitely OK, but I had a hard time falling back asleep.

Who doesn’t have a lot on their mind lately, right?

I’ve been worrying about the usual life conflicts these days along with this virus, but more recently I’ve been focused on other issues.

Some of them have to do with the chemo treatments my husband is receiving right now and the effects those treatments are having on him, mentally and physically.

I read about “chemo brain” and “chemo rage” and his well being and how he is doing with all this concerns me. Many cannot understand how all this makes me feel, and I cannot understand what he feels. It is a vicious mind game that wears on my sanity.

Never mind the obvious effects of this horrible disease, the effects it has on your body as it invades it and the effects of the treatment to try to stop it. He and I are both battling from different ends of the spectrum. And then, there are our children.

I want to fight this, but this illness, the responsibilities and the effects bring a whole new level of stress to our lives, which in turn requires a higher level of faith, trust and hope.

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. 3 He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 23:1-4

I cannot explain the overwhelming moments, days, weeks I have as a mom and wife being responsible for a household, finances and taking care of someone I so desperately want to get through this without the added worries of life.

Being a caregiver is difficult, and if you’ve never lived that life 24/7 you can only imagine what it’s like.

I gladly accept my job, the challenge, because it is what I need to do, but I am not going to lie….this is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do in my life.

I know I need to just give it to God, but like I said this has all moved to a higher level. It’s time to up my game.

With all the new challenges this virus has brought to us I feel engulfed in yet another battle. A life altering one that makes me sometimes feel as if I’m in a pool of water, caught in a current spinning out of control and about to be sucked down a drain.

Helpless.

I don’t know if any of you ever feel this way, but sometimes I get so inundated with what’s going on around me, I forget to stop and ask God for help. Instead, I’m grasping for anything to hold on to as my mind takes over, and I lose sight of the very fact that I have the power to stop the thought process.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family time, having my kids home and sharing the dinner hour with everyone, BUT sometimes I need a break.

We are supposed to be social distancing, right?

I miss going to lunch with my friends, spending an hour to go out and take my time at the grocery, or just browsing the craft store or a shop or two. I miss my “me time,” every few months getting my hair done and getting together with the people I miss so much .

For a girl who feels lonely in a crowd of people on many days, I seriously could use some alone time right now. And, don’t judge, but I just mean some time to get away from the daily grind and recharge.

A caregiver, a mom, a wife. Some days the jobs all run together. Driving to appointments, being the cook, the cleaner, the bill payer and everything else that involves running a household and taking care of a sick patient and kids. Sometimes I just want to refocus my brain and think of something else, something fun or happy, or maybe think of nothing.

Don’t get me wrong, my kids are great at helping around the house and doing chores, and I appreciate everything they do. My most favorite job in life is being a mom, but we are just so out of our routine. Some days I welcome staying home, in my comfort zone, and others I just want to get out.

On days we go to Duke I dread the drive, but it’s a time I look forward to getting out of the house. On the other hand, it’s mentally exhuasting being at the Cancer Center and physically exhausting getting up early, traveling and getting little sleep.

It’s a balancing act I need to control and perfect. I need to work harder at gettting myself on a new schedule, find a new norm in these coming days and just tell myself to relax and breathe.

I know I am stronger than I imagine, and the Lord is the one who will help me through.

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2
Posted in Devotional

Holy Week

Posted on by gracelovebiscuits

Did anyone ever dream we would be in the middle of a pandemic during Holy Week, or ever for that matter?

24 But on the first day of the week, at early dawn, they went to the tomb, taking the spices they had prepared. 2 And they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, 3 but when they went in they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. 4 While they were perplexed about this, behold, two men stood by them in dazzling apparel. 5 And as they were frightened and bowed their faces to the ground, the men said to them, “Why do you seek the living among the dead? 6 He is not here, but has risen. Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee, 7 that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise.” 8 And they remembered his words, 9 and returning from the tomb they told all these things to the eleven and to all the rest. 10 Now it was Mary Magdalene and Joanna and Mary the mother of James and the other women with them who told these things to the apostles, 11 but these words seemed to them an idle tale, and they did not believe them. 12 But Peter rose and ran to the tomb; stooping and looking in, he saw the linen cloths by themselves; and he went home marveling at what had happened.”

Luke 24:1-12

My dad said he never thought he would see times like this, and I imagine many people thought the same.

I never thought I would be in the midst of my husband battling cancer at my age either. I never thought it would get to this point. I never thought it would get worse. I never thought after he was diagnosed that we would face many more hurdles along the road.

I think many times when life is going down a rough path we tell ourselves, “things can’t get any worse.” When we think we’ve hit rock bottom sometimes we realize we were simply on a cliff, and we fall even lower.

I’ve learned to NEVER say things can’t get any worse. Trust me, they can and most likely will before they get better.

I’ve also learned to find hope, pray harder and seek peace when you’re scared and worried.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

And, I am worried. I was uneasy about life before all these virus concerns came up. I constantly fret about someone being exposed or getting sick. Going out in public.

Even more, I am undoubtedly concerned with the effect it has on everyone’s mental state. I know for me it has been a fight within myself not to fall into a depressed state, panic, feel lonely, or lost.

When all you have is time to think, it can be a war within your mind.

I’ve had a sort of resistance going on for awhile now. Things were just starting to settle down to a new normal in our household. I was cautiously beginning to relax a little, get used to how it was going and then, panic hit.

I have heard many people say they are going crazy staying home, feeling depressed, and having a hard time adjusting to an unfamiliar routine. It’s tough to adapt to a new way of life and not exercise your freedom.

We have had plenty of other unfamiliar adapting to do in our house in recent months. But, I do think it is essential to abide by the rules in order to not overwhelm the system. And, I want it to stop. If we don’t stop giving it something to feed on, I fear it never will.

I can’t help but wonder why all this craziness is happening in the world. Is it a sign of the times, an economic attack, a prediction from the Bible?

3 As he sat on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately, saying, “Tell us, when will these things be, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?” 4 And Jesus answered them, “See that no one leads you astray. 5 For many will come in my name, saying, ‘I am the Christ,’ and they will lead many astray. 6 And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not alarmed, for this must take place, but the end is not yet. 7 For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be famines and earthquakes in various places. 8 All these are but the beginning of the birth pains.

Matthew 24:3-8

No social gatherings, no church services, no lunch with friends, no school, no baseball games, no sleepovers, no restaurant dining, no shopping, and the list of NOs goes on.

It sounds bad, but it could be so much worse. And sadly, for some people it is.

On top of all of what’s obvious, some of us have other obstacles. Some have lost their jobs, gotten laid off, have to spend time away from family members, have no savings to fall back on, live alone, can’t stay home because of their job, are lonely, fighting an illness, have a bad marriage, battling an addicition or who knows what else. Everyone is grappling with something.

EVERYONE.

One thing we still do have is each other, our community, our nation. We can still pray at home, FaceTime family and friends, get takeout and shop online (if we can afford to).

We can all find something in our life to be thankful for no matter how bad it seems.

Holy Week and Easter both offer a time of new hope, new beginnings. Let’s use it to pray for our community and our country.

A time to be thankful for the things in life we have, the people who are important, the family time we share, the people we have fighting for us and working to keep us safe and healthy and all the simple blessings we overlook and take for granted each day.

We are all blessed! xo