Posted in Cancer, Self Help

Hurry Up and Wait

Jan 16, 2020, morning

I sit here tonight in solitude. The house is so quiet as if sound has escaped existence. It is a peaceful quiet at first, but I have a feeling of restlessness inside. The noiseless night makes me uneasy and allows the darkness to creep up into my thoughts. Scanxiety has set in as scans are only a week away.

Is my uneasy mind justifiable or just nerves shaking my sanity?

I close my eyes and breathe in deeply in hopes of exhaling all the negative emotion. Only one week to get through this leg of the journey before we set out on another unknown. I sense my peace…out there lurking in the shadows desperately searching for my soul. Somehow it will find it’s way to me. 

 Jan 16, 2020, evening

Today, was somehow a somber day. I could feel hubby’s uneasy mind in the room. He sat there and stared off into the morning, and I watched and wondered what thoughts filled his mind. One week until we discover the next journey. Some days I wonder what thoughts consume him. I worry he will tire of the fight and simply take the hand he is dealt without a thought to trade the cards. It wears on my mind, this journey. Giving up only means you’ve extinguished your options, or they’ve annihilated you. I pray for strength and positivity. This has to be just a wind in the road, doesn’t it?


As I look back on my journal entries, nearly four months ago, I realize I am in the midst of another wind in the road. This long road is taking me on a journey I don’t know how to navigate, yet I am here staying within the lines, doing the best I know how.

Familiar scenes surround me, yet they are still foreign to me. I will never get used to the unwelcoming landscape, no matter how hard it tries to consume me.

I sit and wonder why I am where I am. What is the purpose God has for me on this path?

Some days I can ease my own mind knowing it is my fated trek, but on other days like today I am anxious to know the why. I know we are supposed to trust the Lord to lead us, but I can’t help my soul is restless.

At times, it is hard to live and go through life not knowing what the purpose of it all is and the reasoning behind it. Maybe I am heading down a dead end with all my inquisitiveness, but sometimes my subconscious can’t let it go.

I know my journey has a purpose unknown to me, and someday it will reveal itself just like a clear day.

Until then, I must wait patiently and trust God will see me through.

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Isaiah 41:10