Cancer will take you through hell and back, but yesterday we just had to travel through a snowstorm.
How did everyone like our snowy weather?
The boys would have loved a little more on the ground this morning to go out and be boys in, but for me I was out in it enough last night.
The drive to the Cancer Center yesterday was filled with non-stop rain. After emerging from our two-hour visit in the basement, out of touch with the outside world, we were greeted with a blanket of white, and snow falling like crazy. I couldn’t believe how hard it was coming down.
The drive home wasn’t too bad, other than witnessing the after effects of accident after accident. But, the snow continued to fall, slowly mixing with rain the closer east we got.
I was ready to be home, but so hyped from the day that sleep wasn’t on my mind.
Another round of treatments over with and a short break before we go to the next step. I welcome the break, but there’s always the “what’s next” part that’s lurking in the back of my mind.
Why does life have to be plagued with next steps?
I guess the answer is pretty simple. The alternative may not be a better option.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
It got me thinking how one choice, one decision, one thought, one incident, one diagnosis leads to what happens next. Every thing we do, think about, decide and under some circumstances have no control over ultimatley affects what comes next.
I know it’s up to the Lord, and we as mortals have no say so in what happens throughout our life, even when we like to think our decisions and choices matter.
Do our choices really not affect our destiny? We are the ones who live with them.
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9
We’ve all had one of those moments where we have thought to ourselves one choice or action prevented something else bad from happening, or maybe something good.
Last week after leaving the grocery, I decided to make a quick last minute stop before heading home. It was only about a 10 minute detour, but I realized later if I had headed straight home I may have been involved in an accident that was ahead of me.
I couldn’t help but think maybe that was God’s work.
Yesterday, on the drive home I had some of the same thoughts.
I don’t want someone in my family to have to fight cancer. I don’t want this to consume our lives. I don’t want my children to struggle. I don’t want this to be happening at all.
But, in reality I’m helpless. Powerless. Defenseless. In a fight that isn’t fair. In a fight that I have no control over.
Then, I think what is fair about life? And, am I really paralyzed?
For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. Deuteronomy 20:4
I could name 10 things off the top of my head that’s unjust and keep going. The thought makes my eyes burn. My heart aches. My stomach is uneasy.
Other struggles pop up in the back of my mind, but I quickly push them back. I can’t solve the problems of everyone today, even though I know at some point in the days ahead I will have to face them.
That’s for some tomorrow in the near future. Today, I concern myself with what is here in front of me at the moment. Just take things one step at a time everyone says.
Although, is one day at a time, one step at a time really the answer? I get tired of people telling me that all the time. They don’t know what I’m dealing with. And, if I have any faith in God, why do I need to take things one day at a time?
Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31
It’s so ironic how we spend our lives planning out our days, our weeks, our months. Planning meals, vacations, carpools for the week. Scheduling appointments, birthday celebrations, play dates and dinner parties. Saving for college, graduation, anniversaries. All to get ahead and make life more manageable. Yet, when we come to a road block, a hurdle, or a challenge, we have to take it easy, not get ahead of ourselves and take one day at a time.
It doesn’t make sense in a way. It seems kind of backwards.
Do we live life in reverse?
People always say don’t worry about the future. Don’t worry about tomorrow?
But, don’t we spend our whole life planning for that? Don’t we plan for the future all the time?
Why do we have all these double standards?
Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be established.
It is hard to accept we are not in control of our lives, or what happens to us or our loved ones. It’s difficult to swallow the fact we cannot protect those who matter the most.
We all have to be willing to accept the consequences of our actions and acknowledge we are not in control. Some things just happen. Call it fate, because it is inevitable.
Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny. Ecclesiastes 6:1
All these questions in my mind. Many, I already have the answer, even though it may be hidden somewhere in front of me in plain sight. Others, I’m searching for validation and fighting to accept. Obviously, some I don’t want to acknowledge, not quite yet.
Does time really heal all pain?
I hope so.
I have a right to be sad about some things some days. Some days I just have a right to be sad. But, don’t let your heart be mournful about it or feel the need to answer my rhetorical questions. I know the writing is on the wall, facing full-frontal, but sometimes the heart just needs another day before it sees what the mind already knows.
And, some days we just need a few minutes alone to regain our peace.